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Bicycle repairman

Vajpayee and Bush are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Vajpayee?"

The barman says "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Hello, what are you guys doing?"

Bush says, "We're planning world war 3"

The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

And Vajpayee says, "Well, we're going to kill 14 million Pakistanis and one bicycle repairman."

And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?"

Vajpayee turns to Bush and says, "See, I told you!! No one would worry about the 14 million Pakistanis!"

 

 

In the jungle all the animals eat PAN PARAG but the girafee eats MANIKCHAND. Why?? 

because OONCHE LOG OONCHI PASAND MANICKCHAND

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Researchers studying current obesity patterns say that by the year

2230 100% of the population will be overweight. The good news is, if

you are fat already, you're ahead of your time.

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A man and his wife were having an argument about who

should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up

first, and then

we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking

around here and you should do it, because that is

your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it

is in the Bible

that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament

and showed him at the top of several pages, that it

indeed says....

"HEBREWS"

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Murphy’s Laws

1. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

2. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when

they fall in love.

3. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.

4. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

5. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.

6. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

7. Smile . . . tomorrow will be worse.

8. Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant.

 

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Lufthansa Airlines

Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the

captain :"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have

lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean".

The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation but were

somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an

emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that

all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the

swimmers are on the right side of the plane after this announcement all

the passengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain's

request.

Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean. The

captain once again made an announcement:

"Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean. All of the

swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and

quickly swim away from the plane.

For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane... -Thank You For

Flying Lufthansa- ".

 

 

 

British Airways

 

"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to

welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London.

We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the

Atlantic."

"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft,

you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.

"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that

the port wing has fallen off."

"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little

yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That's me your

captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a

recorded message."

 

 

Delta Airlines

 

At the airport for a trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding

announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address

system saying,

"We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board

from Gate 41."

So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41.

Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570

would in fact be boarding from Gate 35. So again we gathered our

carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate.

Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke "Thank you

for participating in Delta's physical fitness program."

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A retired astronaut opened an unsuccessful restaurant on the moon.

The food was great, but there was no atmosphere.

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George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war.

After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand

and George asks him what his name is. "Bob".

"And what is your question, Bob?"

"I have 3 questions.

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?

And

third, what happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush

informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we?

Oh that's right --- question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts up his hand . George

points him out and asks him what his name is. "Steve"

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade

Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are

you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third,

what happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the

recess bell go 20 minutes early? And fifth, where is

"Bob?"

 

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On a high school science quiz, there was the question, "When water

becomes ice which of its physical properties increases?"

Everyone answered, "Its volume.." Except one wise guy who wrote,

"When water becomes ice, its price increases."

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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'. ~Joe Namath

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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop

dying. ~Ed Furgol

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If you've ended up in hell with someone, and you're still mad at

him/her, where do you tell that person to go?

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Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of

the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert.

The saying;"If you don't use it, you will lose it," also applies to the brain,

so..... Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss

of intelligence. Take The following test and determine if

you are losing it or are still "with it."

OK, relax, clear your mind

and....begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," then give up now

and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said,"bread," go

to

What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please

do not attempt the next question.

Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat.It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate, such as Children's World." If you said water," proceed to

question 3. If a red house is made from red bricks, and a blue

house is made from blue bricks,

and a pink house is made from pink bricks

and a black house is made from black bricks,

what is a green house made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said,

"green bricks,"

what the devil are you still doing reading

these questions?????

If you said"glass," then go on to

Question 4. Twenty years ago, a plane was flying at 20,000 feet

over Germany.

If you recall, Germany at the time was politically

divided into West Germany and East Germany.

Anyway, during the flight,

TWO of the engines failed. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining

engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure.

Unfortunately the third engine fails before he has time to attempt an emergency

landing, and the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East

>>Germany and West Germany.

Where would you bury the survivors? . . .

in East Germany or West Germany or in"no man's land"?

Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you

said

ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to

rescue anyone from a plane crash.

Your efforts would not be appreciated. If

you said, "Don't bury the survivors," proceed to

5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60 of a degree

every minute how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?

Answer: One degree! . If you said, "360 degrees" or

anything other than "one degree," you are to be congratulated on

getting this far, but

you are obviously out of your league.

Turn in your pencil,and exit the

room.

Everyone else proceed to the final question.

6. Without using a calculator -- You are driving a bus

from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on

the bus.

In Reading,six people get off the bus, and nine people

get on.

In Swindon, two people get off and four get on.

In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on.

In Swansea, three people get off and five

people get on.

In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then

arrive at Milford Haven.

What was the name of the bus driver

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember?

It was

YOU!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Boy : Jaan-e-man... is dil me aaja na!

Girl : Sandal nikalu kya?

Boy : Pagli, yeh mandir nahi... aise hi aaja:)

 

 

 

 

 

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Q. Why couldn't the chicken find her eggs?

A. She mislaid them.

 

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The teacher asked her fifth-grade class, "How was Columbus treated

when he returned from his third voyage?"

One student said, "Lots of people met him at the pier, and they all

had a great time."

Sternly, the teacher said, "You didn't read the assignment!"

The student brought the textbook up to the teacher's desk and showed

her where it read, "Columbus received a cool reception when he

returned from his third voyage."

 

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A hospital posted a notice in the nurses' mess saying: "Remember, the

first five minutes of a human being's life are the most dangerous."

Underneath, a nurse had written: "The last five are pretty risky, too."

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Subject: First you think of Santa Claus then....

 

There was a woman out Christmas shopping with her two

children. After many hours of looking at row after row

of toys and everything else imaginable and hearing

both her children asking for everything they saw on

those many shelves, this woman finally made it to the

elevator with her two kids.

She was feeling what so many of us feel during the

holiday season time of the year: Overwhelming

pressure to go to every party, every housewarming,

taste all the holiday food and treats, get that

perfect gift for every single person on our shopping

list, make sure we don't forget anyone on our card

list, and the pressure of making sure we respond to

everyone who sends us a card.

Finally the elevator doors opened--there was already a

crowd in the car. This woman pushed her way into the

car and dragged her two kids in with her along with

all her bags of stuff. When the doors closed, she

couldn't take it anymore and said out loud, "Whoever

started this whole Christmas thing should be arrested

and strung up!"

From the back of the elevator, a quiet calm voice

responded, "Don't worry ma'am, I believe they

crucified Him."

 

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The bathtub was invented in 1850.

The telephone was invented in 1875.

This might not seem like much but, if you had lived back then,

you could have sat in the bathtub for 25 years without being

bothered by the phone.

 

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Subject: Lonely Frog

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.

His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful

young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.

"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."

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Gifts 4 Mama

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful ...

doctor, engineer, accountant and lawyer and prospered.

Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together.

They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly

mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said,"I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the

house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600."

The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the

Bible and you know she can't read it anymore because she can't see very

well. I met this priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the

entire Bible. It took twenty priests 12 years to teach him. I had to

pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but

it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the

parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote: "

Milton, The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I

have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries

delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you give me an expensive theater with Dolby sound. It could

hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and

I'm nearly blind.. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the

same."

"Dearest Melvin, You were the only son to have the good sense to give a

little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

 

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A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.

Because both had jobs they found it difficult to coordinate their travel schedules, so it was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day.

Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. In his room there was a computer so he decided to send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left out one letter in mail-id, and

sent the e-mail, without realizing his error.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. The dearly departed was a minister who had been called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

> > > To: My Loving Wife

> > > Subject: I've Arrived

You're probably surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is hot down here!

 

Technologically Challenged

 

Take heart, anyone among you who believes you are technologically

challenged, you "ain't seen nuthin" yet. This is an excerpt from a Wall

Street Journal article:

 

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to

"Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any"

key is.

 

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was

hard to control with the dust cover on.

The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

 

3. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer

to fax anything.

After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man

was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor

screen and hitting the "Send" key.

 

4. Yet another, Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no

longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and

water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and

washing them individually.

 

5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged

because his computer had told him he was "bad and invalid."

The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid"

responses ..... shouldn't be taken personally.

 

6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents He

told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find

printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face

the printer -- but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

 

7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get

her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was

plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the

power button.

Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing

happens."

The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

 

8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new

computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in

and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen.

When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked,

"What power switch?"

 

9. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for

support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in

the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to

put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in."

The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" implied to- remove Disk 1

first.

 

10. A story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

CALLER: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

TECH: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

CALLER: "The cup holder on my PC is broken, and I am within my warranty

period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

TECH: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

CALLER: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

TECH: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am Did

you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you

get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

CALLER: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a

promotional. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't

stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load

drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive.

 

 

11. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.

The tech asked her if she was "running it under windows."

The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a

good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window

and his printer is working fine."

 

12. And last but not least:

TECH SUPPORT: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the

same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now

type the letter P to bring up the Program Manager."

CUSTOMER: "I don't have a P."

TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Bob."

CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?"

TECH SUPPORT: "P on your keyboard, Bob."

CUSTOMER: "I ain't gonna do that!"

 

The Teacher asked, "All right children, who can

tell me what a chicken gives?"

Mary answered, "A chicken gives eggs!"

The Teacher then asked, "Now who can tell me what

a goat gives?"

And Paul answered, "A goat gives goat milk!"

And finally the Teacher asked, "Well now, who can

tell me what the cow gives?"

And Little Johnny replied, "Homework!"

 

 

WOMEN !!!

Diary of a YOUNG WIFE

 

Monday:

Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook

for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "beat 12

eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had

to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine though.

Tuesday:

We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "serve without

dressing." So I didn't dress. But Tim happened to bring a friend home

for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them,

I think it was the salad.

Wednesday:

I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "wash thoroughly

before steaming the rice." So I heated some water and took a bath before

steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the day. I can't

say it improved the rice anyhow.

Thursday:

Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, prepare

ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I

hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got one, I tossed my

salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for over one hour so

the dog would not take it. Tim came over and asked if I felt all right.

I wonder why? He must be stressed at work, I'll try to be supportive.

Friday:

Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "put all ingredients

in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did,to my mum's place. There must have

been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home

again, it looked the same as when I left it.

Saturday:

Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress

it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never

noticed back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress and it's little

cute shoes. I thought the hen looked really cute. When Tim saw it, he

started counting to ten. Either he was really stressed because of his

work,or he wanted the chicken to dance.

When I asked him what was wrong he started crying and shouting out "why

me? why me ?"

Hmmm....It must be his job.

 

Ramjibhai meets Kanjibhai shopping at the mall and sees he has a small gift wrapped box.

"It's my wife Rupaben birthday tomorrow." Kanjibhai said. "Last

week I asked her what she wanted for her birthday."

"And???" Ramjibhai asked.

"Well, she said 'Oh, I don't know - just give me

something with diamonds in it'."

"So what did you get her?" asked Ramjibhai.

Kanjibhai replies, "I bought her a deck of cards!"

 

 

 

 

 

Why you should no longer study

Because :

No Study = Fail ....................... ( I )

Study = No Fail ............................ ( II )

By Adding ( I ) & ( II ) :

=====> ( No Study + Study ) = ( No Fail + Fail)

By Taking ( Study ) as a common factor in the left hand side And Taking ( Fail ) as a common factor in the right hand side

=====> Study ( No + 1) = Fail (No + 1 )

By Dividing both sides by ( No + 1)

=====> Study = Fail

SO PLEASE STOP STUDYING

 

 

 

 

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for

his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves got sick and the trainee

elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular

ones so Santa was

beginning to feel the pressure of being behind

schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to

visit. This stressed

Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer,

he found that three

of them were about to give birth and two had jumped

the fence and were out;

heaven knows where to... More Stress!

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the

boards cracked and the

toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

Totally frustrated,

Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a

shot of whiskey. When

he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hit

the liquor and there

was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped

the coffee pot and it

broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the

kitchen floor. He went to

get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw

it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his

way to the door. He

opened the door and there was a little angel with a

great big Christmas

tree.

The angel said: "Where would you like to put this

tree, fat man?"

And that my friend is how the little angel came to be

on top of the

Christmas tree.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reasons not to mess with a child

 

1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

 

 

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

 

 

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

 

 

2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

 

 

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

 

 

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

 

 

3. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

 

 

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

 

 

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

 

 

 

 

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

 

 

4. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

 

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."

 

 

5. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.." "Yes," the class said.

 

 

 

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

 

 

6. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

 

 

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

 

 

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chipcookies.

 

 

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3 men were chosen for a job interview at a firm; namely, Mr. Smith, Mr. Brown and Mr. Sukwinder. They were all asked to come up with a sentence using all these 3 words, green, pink and yellow.

Mr Brown: The first thing i see in the morning is the yellow sky, then the green grass and look forward for a pink day.

Mr Smith: I always eat a yellow banana in the morning, a green apple in the afternoon and watch pink panther at night.

Mr. Sukwinder: Every morning when i wake up i hear the phone green! green!! i pink up then phone and say yellow!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Bill Gates,

This letter is from Banta Singh from Punjab. We have got a computer in our home and we face some Problem, which I want to bring to your notice.

After connecting to Internet we planned to open an email account. But when ever we fill the Form of Hotmail, in password field only * comes. But in rest of the fields whatever we typed comes but we faced The problem only in

Password field. We checked with Hardware vendor and he said that there is no problem in keyboard. Because of this we have opened the email account with password *****. But I request u to check this as we our self don't

know what is the password!!!

The next one is that we are unable to enter anything after we shut down the computer. There is a button for start but not for pause, stop as in stereo recorder. We request u to add the same in future.

There is a option as RUN in menu. This one of my neighbor after clicking started running and he has run up to Amritsar from Chandigarh. So we request u change that to SIT. So that we can click that by sitting.

One doubt is that can I click Re cycle bin. I own a scooter in my home.Is there a separate option as Re scooter bin available in the system?

In Microsoft outlook we are able to see the outer view of the mail. Is there an in look through which we can have inner view of the mail?

The last one is my wife has lost the door key of our house. So I searched for the same in search option of start icon. But I did not find the same there also .Is it a bug?

Rest In next letter.

Yours Anonymously,

Banta Singh

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung

Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean.

It was a romantic full moon, when Huan Cho said "Hey baby, let's play

Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Jung Lee.

"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and

its the perfect time," Huan Cho begged.

"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."

"Please Jung Lee, just once play Weeweechu with me."

Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu."

Huan Cho then grabbed Jung Lee's hand and (scroll down)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Picked up his guitar and they both sang.....

 

 

 

 

"Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas,

Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas,

Weeweechu a melly Chlistmas,

and a happy New Year."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Subject: WIFE & HUSBAND 1.0

WIFE 1.0

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that

the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot

of new space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon

was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and

launches during system initialisation, where it monitors all other

system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys

Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the

system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep wife 1.0 in the

background while attempting to run some of my other favourite

applications.

I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall

does not work on this program.

Can you please help me?

Signed:

A Troubled Husband

-----Reply Separator-----

Dear Troubled Husband,

This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due

to a primary misconception....many people upgrade from Girlfriend

7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES &

ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed

by it's creator to run everything.

It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert

back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system

would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files

from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0

because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up

with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual

under "Warnings-Alimony/Child support". I recommend you keep Wife

1.0 and deal with the situation. I suggest installing background

application program C:DEAR to alleviate software augmentation.

Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I might also suggest you read the

entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You

must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might

occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be

to enter the command C:. In any case avoid excessive use

of C:DEAR because ultimately you may have to give the APOLOGIZE

command before the operating system will return to normal. The

system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the

GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high-maintenance.

Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of

Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 3.1 and Diamonds 2K. Warning : Do not,

under any circumstances install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3.

This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to

cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of Luck,

Tech Support

==============================================================

HUSBAND 1.0

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed

that the new program began making unexpected changes to the

accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry

applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs,

such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL

5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning

2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to

fix these problems, but to no avail.

Signed:

Desperate Wife

-----Reply Separator-----

Dear Desperate Wife,

Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while

Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I

THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then

automatically run the following 2 applications Guilty 3.0 and Flowers

7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to

GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad

program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files. DO NOT install

MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not

supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited

memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying

additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend

HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Keep-a-nice-body ver 1.01

Best of luck!

Tech Support

 

 

 

 

An Indian was travelling in a train in Pakistan, along with his pregnant wife. A few Pak army officers were also travelling in the same compartment.

As every body knows ,the pakis think they are a little too smart and also try to show their superiority in all aspects,they tried to act little smart and

embarass the Indian.They thought at the same time, it would be a good time-pass too. So, one of them went and sat beside the man.

The Smart officer asked the man, "Are u an Indian?????".

"Yes", the man replied proudly.

The officer then said, "Is ur wife pregnant????"

"Yes", replied the man. He was a bit annoyed by the question as it was obviously visible that his wife was pregnant and the officer still asked

that question. But he kept quiet. Now, the officer thought it was time to have some fun.

He asked the Indian, "If it is a boy, what would u like him to be?????"

"I'd make him a Software Engineer", the man said proudly.

"What if it is a girl ????" asked the officer.

"I'd make her a doctor", the man replied.

Now, the officer gave the man a naughty grin and said, "What if it is neither a boy nor a girl?"

Now the smart Indian realised the whole point of this officer speaking to him. He realized that these officers were trying to embarass him so he decided to give it back to them.

He thought for a second, returned the same naughty smile back to the officer and said, "In that case, he will join the Pakistan army......."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What if the I.T. industry starts producing movies

Here are some newer movie titles...

 

** Login Karo Sajana

** Haan Meine Bhi Debug Kiya

** Shaheed Hacker Singh

** Password De Ke Dekho

** Mr. Network Lal

** Terminal Sajaake Rakhna

** Hackers Ka Raja, Debuggers Ki Rani

** Kyonki Mein Debug Nahin Kartha

** Phir Theri Java-script Yaad Aayi

** Hang To Hona Hi Tha !!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court", and are things people

actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court

reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were

actually taking place.

________________________________________

_____________________________________

Q: What is your date of birth

A: July 15th.

Q: What year

A: Every year.

________________________________________

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

_____________________________________

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory

A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've

forgotten

_____________________________________

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you A: Thirty-eight or

thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you

A: Forty-five years.

____________________________________

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that

morning

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy"

Q: And why did that upset you

A: My name is Susan.

_____________________________________

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the

occult

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo

A: We do.

Q: You do

A: Yes, voodoo.

_____________________________________

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he

doesn't know about it until the next morning

_____________________________________

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he

_____________________________________

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken

_____________________________________

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August

8th

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time

____________________________________

Q: She had three children, right

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls

____________________________________

Q: How was your first marriage terminated

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated

____________________________________

Q: Can you describe the individual

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female

_____________________________________

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice

which I sent to your attorney A: No, this is how I dress when I go to

work.

_____________________________________

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people

A: All my autopsies were performed on dead people.

_____________________________________

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK What school did you go to

A: Oral.

_____________________________________

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time A: No, he was sitting on the

table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

____________________________________

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample

____________________________________

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the

autopsy

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless A: Yes, it is

possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

 

 

 

 

 

 

WEEK AT THE GYM; ONE MAN'S STORY - If you read this

without laughing out loud, there is something wrong

with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever

attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary...

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear)

purchased a week of personal training at the local

health club for me. Although I am still in great shape

since playing on my college football team 25 years

ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and

give it a try. Called the club and made my

reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda,

who identified herself as a 26-year old aerobics

instructor and model for athletic clothing and

swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to

get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to

chart my progress.............

Monday: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of

bed, but and it was well worth it when I arrived at

the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is

something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair,

dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.

Woo Hoo!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She

took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She

was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I

attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra

aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in

which she conducted her aerobics class after my

workout today. Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging

as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already

aching from holding it in the whole time she was

around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally

made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back

and push a heavy iron bar! into the air-then she put

weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the

treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's

rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!!

It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday: The only way I can brush my teeth is by

laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my

mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a

hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I

didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO

in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with

me, insisting that my screams bothered other club

members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in

the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally

whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got

on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair

monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to

simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators

Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and

enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

Thursday: Belinda was waiting for me with her

vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips

were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help

being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie

my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells.

When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's

room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment,

put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.

Friday: I hate that bitch Belinda more that any human

being has ever hated any other human being in the

history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little

cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could

move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with

it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't

have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in! the

floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or

anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am

sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and

graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill flung

me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.

Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the

drama coach or the choir director

Saturday: Belinda left a message on my answering

machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I

did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want

to smash the machine with my planner. However, I

lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and

ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather

Channel.

Sunday: I'm having the Church van pick me up for

services today so I can go and thank GOD that this

week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife

(the bitch) will choose a gift for me that is fun -

like a root canal

 

 

 

ASSICONS

(_!_)Regular ass

(__!__)Fat ass

(!)Tight ass

(_*_)Sore ass

(_o_)Well used ass

(_e=mc2_) Smart ass

(_x_)Kiss my ass

 

 

 

 

We always hear "the rules" from the female side.

 

Now here are the rules from the male side. These are the rules! Please

note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

 

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put

it

down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining

about

you leaving it down.

 

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the

tides.Let it be.

 

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it

that way.

 

1. Crying is blackmail.

 

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do

not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just

say

it!

 

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every

question.

 

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's

what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

 

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

 

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In

fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

 

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect

us

to act like soap opera guys.

 

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

 

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the

ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

 

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it

done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it

yourself.

 

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during

commercials.

 

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

 

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.

Peach,

for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We

have

no idea what mauve is.

 

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

 

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like

nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the

hassle.

 

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer

you don't want to hear.

 

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is

fine...

Really.

 

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to

discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster

trucks.

 

1. You have enough clothes.

 

1. You have too many shoes.

 

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

 

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the

couch

tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like

camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

 

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.).

We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will immediately be placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and your managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.).

Those who fail to take (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.) seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.AT. S.H.I.T.).

Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore and are full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T. you may be interested in job training others.

We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR of INTENSITYPROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF

TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL

SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ramayana by Bill Gates...

 

LAN, LAN ago, in the SYSTEM of I/O-dhya, there ruled

a PROCESSOR named DOS-rat. Once he EXECUTED a great

sacrifice PROGRAM after which his queens gave an

OUTPUT of four SUNs--RAM, LSIman,BUG-rat and

SED-rughana. RAM the eldest was a MICROCHIP with

excellent MEMORY. His brothers, however, were only

PERIPHERAL ICs. Once when RAM was only 16MB, he

married princess 'C'ta. 12years passed and DOS-rat

decided to INSTALL RAM as his successor. However,

Queen CIE/CAE(Kayegayee), who was once offered a boon

by DOS-rat for a lifesaving HELP COMMAND, took this

opportunity at the instigation of her BIOSed maid (a

real plotter), and insisted that her son Bug-rat be

INSTALLED and that RAM be CUT-N-PASTED to the forest

for 14 years.

At this cruel and unexpected demand, a SURGE passed

through DOS-rat and he kollapsed, power-less. RAM

agreed to LOG INTO forest and 'C'ta insisted to

LOGIN with him. LSI-man also resolved on LOGGING IN

with his brother. The forest was the dwelling of

SPARCnakha, the TRAN-SISTOR of RAW-van, PROCESSOR of

LAN-ka. Attracted by RAM's stature, she proposed that

he marry her. RAM, politely declined. Perceiving 'C'ta

to be the SOURCE CODE of her distress, she hastened to

kill her. Weeping, SPARC-nakha fled to LAN-ka,

where RAW-van, moved by TRAN-SISTOR's plight,

approached his uncle MAR-icha. MAR-icha REPROGRAMED

himself into the form of a golden stag and drew RAM

deep into the forest. Finally, tired of chase, RAM

shot the deer, who, with his last breath, cried out

resperately for LSI-man in RAM's voice.

Fooled by this VIRTUAL RAM SOUND, 'C'ta urged LSI-man

to his brother's aid. Catching the opportunity,

RAW-van DELINKED 'C'ta from her LIBRARY and changed

her ROOT DIRECTORY to LAN-ka.

-----------------------------------------------------

INTERVAL

-----------------------------------------------------

RAM and LSI-man started SEARCHING for the missing

'C'ta all over the forest. They made friendship with

the forest SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR SU-greev and his

powerful co-processor Ha-NEUMAN.

SU-greev agreed to help RAM. SU-greev ordered his

PROGRAMMERS to use powerful 'SEARCH' techniques to

FIND the missing 'C'ta. His PROGRAMMERS SEARCHED all

around the INTER-NETworked forests. Many tried to

'EXCITE' the birds and animals not to forget the

'WEBCRAWLERS' (Insects) and tried to 'INFO SEEK'

something about 'C'ta. Some of them even shouted

'YAA-HOO' but they all ended up with 'NOT FOUND

MESSAGES'. Several other SEARCH

techniques proved useless. Ha-NEUMAN devised a RISKy

TECHNOLOGY and used it to cross the seas at an

astonishing CLOCK SPEED. Soon Ha-NEUMAN DOWNLOADED

himself into LAN-ka. After doing some local SEARCH,

Ha-NEUMAN found 'C'ta weeping under a TREE STRUCTURE.

Ha-NEUMAN used a LOGIN ID (ring) to identify himself

to 'C'ta. After DECRYPTING THE KEY, 'C'ta believed in

him and asked him to send a 'STATUS_OK' MESSAGE to

RAM. Meanwhile all the raakshasa BUGS around 'C'ta

captured Ha-NEUMAN and tried to DELETE him using

pyro-techniques. But Ha-NEUMAN managed to spread chaos

by spreading the VIRUS 'Fire'. Ha-NEUMAN happily

pressed ESCAPE from LAN-ka and conveyed all the STATUS

MESSAGES to

RAM and SU-greev. RAW-wan decided to take the all

powerful RAM head-on and prepared for the battle.One

of the RAW-wan's SUN (son) almost DELETED RAM &

LSI-man with a powerful brahma-astra. But Ha-NEUMAN

resorted to some ACTIVE-X gradients and REFORMATTED

RAM and LSI-man. RAM used the SOURCE CODE secrets of

RAW-wan and once for all wiped out RAW-wan's presense

on earth. After the battle, RAM got INSTALLED in

I/O-dhya and spreaded his MICROSOFT WORKS and other

USER FRIENDLY PROGRAMS to all USERS and every one

lived happily everafter.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Someone once said, "The difference between the right word and the wrong

word is like the difference between lightning and the lightning bug." Here

are examples of what he was talking about.....

* * * * * * *

Spotted in a toilet of a London office:

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

In a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES. PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT

GOES OUT.

In a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.

In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR

FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE

DRAINING BOARD.

Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING, BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR

WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.

Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE CENTER

ON THE FIRST FLOOR.

Notice in a field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL

CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.

On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T

WORK).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Divorce:

Future tense of marriage.

 

Lecture:

An art of transferring information from the notes

of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without

passing through "the minds of either"

 

Conference:

The confusion of one man multiplied by the number

present.

 

Compromise:

The art of dividing a cake in such a way that

everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

 

Tears:

The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power

is defeated by feminine water power...

 

Dictionary:

A place where success comes before work

Conference Room:

A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and

everybody disagrees later on.

 

Classic:

A book which people praise, but do not read.

 

Smile:

A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

 

Office:

A place where you can relax after your strenuous

home life.

 

Yawn:

The only time some married men ever get to open

their mouth.

 

Etc.:

A sign to make others believe that you know more

than you actually do.

 

Committee:

Individuals who can do nothing individually and

sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

 

Experience:

The name men give to their mistakes.

 

Atom Bomb:

An invention to end all inventions.

 

Philosopher:

A fool who torments himself during life, to be

spoken of when dead.

 

Diplomat:

A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way

that you actually look forward to the trip.

 

Opportunist:

A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally

falls into a river.

 

Optimist:

A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says

in midway "See I am not injured yet."

 

Miser:

A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

 

Father:

A banker provided by nature.

 

Criminal:

A guy no different from the rest....except that he

got caught.

 

Boss:

Someone who is early when you are late and late

when you are early.

 

Politician:

One who shakes your hand before elections and your

Confidence after.

 

Doctor:

A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills

you with his bills.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How do u CUT roads?????

By LAUGHING.....

Because "Haste Haste Cut jaye Raste"

===================================================================

Luv and Kush are going to a village & in between comes

A well. Luv falls into the well. Why???

Because Luv (love) is blind !!!!!

Now , Kush also jumps inside. Why??

Because Luv ke liye saala kush bhi karega!!!!

===================================================================

Jackie Chan ki saas ka naam kya hai?.. ???

socho....... nahi pata..??

Answer- D'Cold......Chan ki saans - D'cold

Chalo ab batao

Jackie Chan ki bahu ka naam kya hai ?

This is quite simple.. .....

Ans: D'Cold again.......Kyunki saans bhi kabhi bahu thi :-))

=================================================================

 

A beggar meets another beggar.

A software engineer meets another software engineer.

Both of them ask the same question to each other.

What is the question ???

So, Which Platform are you Working on ???....

================================================================

Question: What will u call a person who is leaving India??

Answer : Hindustan Lever (Leaver).

Question: What will u call a person who leaves India, but doesn't

travel

much??

Answer: Hindustan Lever Ltd (Limited).

=================================================================

Q - RAM SITA HAI ... TO RAM KAUN HAI ??

Ans: TAILOR

Q - SITA RAM HAI TO SITA KAUN HAI

Ans: Sita MEMORY hai

==================================================================

Q -Kalidas ka ek bhai joote banata tha us ka naam kya tha ?

Ans: Adidas.

===================================================================

Q - Prasad asks Kumble to bring a pepsi... Kumble brings a bottle

of pepsi

but goes directly to Tendulkar. why ?? why ?? :-)

Ans: Tendulkar is an opener

Q - What is similarity between "Satynarayan Pooja" and "Indian

Cricket Team"

Ans: Dono ke ant me "Prasad" aataa hai

===================================================================

Q - Who is Joe?

"Kambakth ishq" - Because "Kambakth ishq hai Joe!"

And of course, the grand finale............The Madrasi said, I

want to see

the movie 'heart is umbrella'. Which movie did he really want to

see?

Dil Chhata Hai.......

 

 

 

 

For those of you who watch what you eat... Here's the final word on

nutrition and health.

 

It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical

studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than

the British or Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the

British or Americans.

3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart

attacks than the British or Americans

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer

heart attacks than the British or Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats

and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently

what kills you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Recently the father of physics made a visit to earth

to watch a movie.

 

He watched a few Indian movies and had his head

spinning. He was convinced

 

that all his logics and laws in physics were just a

huge pile of junk and

 

apologized for everything he had done.

 

In the movie of Mithun chakravarthy Newton dada was

confused to such an

 

extent that he went paranoid. Here are a few scenes:

 

 

1) Mithunda has a Brain Tumor which, according to

 

the doctors can't be cured and his death is

imminent.

 

 

 

In one of the fights, Our great Mithunda is shot in

the head. To

 

everybody's surprise, the bullet passes through his

ears taking away the

 

tumor along with it and he is cured.

 

Long Live Mithunda

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2) In one of the movies, Mithunda is confronted with

2 gangsters.

 

Mithunda has a Gun but unfortunately only one

 

bullet. Guess, what he does.......

 

He holds a knife in his hand and shoots the bullet

 

towards the knife. The knife cuts the bullet into 2

pieces and

 

kills both the gangsters.

 

Then, Mithunda utters the following dialogue

 

 

 

"Apun ka naam hai HIRA, Apun ne sabko Chiraa".

 

 

 

3) Mithunda is chased by a gangster. Mithunda has a

 

revolver but he got no bullets in it. Guess, what

he does.

 

 

 

Nah not even in your remotest imaginations. He waits

 

 

for the gangster to shoot. As soon as the

 

gangster shoots, Mithunda opens the bullet

 

compartment of his revolver and catches the bullet.

Then, he closes the bullet

 

compartment and fires his gun.

 

 

 

Bang... And the gangster dies....

 

 

 

4) The heroine is tied to an electric chair and the

 

remote is in the hands of the villain about 100 km

away. As

 

usual, the villain confronts the hero saying

"Hathiyar phek do warna main yeh remote ka button

dabake tumhari mehbooba ko mar doonga".

 

 

 

The usual fight occurs and just as the hero makes

 

the final blow, the villain dies but not before he

presses than damn

 

button. Now what to do?

 

 

 

Sure enough, there is a horse and the hero jumps on

 

it. Now there is a race:

 

The current in the cable connected to the electric

 

chair is moving fast but our hero and his horse are

desperately trying to

 

catch up....

 

goes on for a few km and just as the current would

hit

 

the chair, the hero jumps from the horse and picks

the girl away from

 

the chain and husssshhhh. She is saved.

 

The poor electric current only goes to an empty

 

chair. Climax, taaalian.

 

Hero! Hero!! Hero!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This was too much for our Newton to take and he was

 

completely shaken and he decided to go back. But he

happened to see a

 

Rajnikanth movie for one last time and thought that

at least

 

one movie will follow his theory of physics.

 

The whole movies goes fine and newton is happy that

 

all in the world hasn't changed. Oops not so fast.

The climax finally

 

arrives. Rajni gets to know that the villain is on

the other side of a

 

very high wall. So high that Rajni can't jump even

if he tries like one

 

of those superman techniques that our heroes

normally use. Rajni has

 

to desperately kill the villain because

 

its the climax Newton dada is smiling since it is

 

virtually impossible)..

 

Rajni suddenly pulls two guns from his pocket

 

(Probably a backup).

 

He throws one gun in the air and when the gun has

 

reached the height of the wall,he shoots at the

trigger of the first gun

 

in air, with his second gun.

 

 

 

Now the first gun fires off and the villain is dead.

 

 

 

 

Newton faints.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It must have been a very rainy day when you were born, but it wasn't rain, it was the sky who was crying bcoz it lost its most beautiful star and that was you.

Its not an achievement to make 100 Friends in a Year, but an achievement is to make a FRIEND for 100 years, n I know I've made ONE, that U.

Friends Come & Go.... me ?? NEVER !!

I'll stay and trouble you as long as I Can. ;-))

The Ants are behind You !! Why ???

Bcoz you are so sweet :-).

A sweeter smile, A brighter day, Hope everything turns out great for you today !!

Good Morning, Have a Nice Day.

Do you like me as I am or do I have to pray GOD to ... Improve your taste ;-)).

Positive thinking is like this.

A little bird in the sky, U look up n it shits in ur eye & u dont cry.

U just thank GOD that Cows dont fly.

GALILEO: Great Mind.

EINSTEIN: Genius Mind.

NEWTON : Extraordinary Mind.

BILL GATES: Brilliant Mind.

ME : Master Mind.

YOU : Never Mind.

She came at night, explored my body, got on top of me, touced me, she bit, sucked, swalloed, when she was satisfied, she left, I was hurt... stupid Mosquito.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sardar as the Railway Driver

A train which was going peacefully on the rail-tracks suddenly deviated

from the tracks and went to the fields nearby and then came back on the

tracks. The passengers were horrified. On the next Railway station the

driver was caught : He was found to be a Sardar . He was questioned .

He explained that there was a man standing on the tracks and he was not

moving from there even after lots of honks etc .

Then authorities questioned : Sardarji are you mad! just to save life of one

person you put life of so many passengers under danger.You should have

overran that person .

Sardar said : Exactly, that is what i also decided, but this idiot started

running towards the field when the train came very close

Parents

Santa singh and Banta singh were always boasting of their

parents achievements to each other.

Santa singh : 'Have you ever heard of the Suez Canal?'

Banta singh : 'Yes, I have'

Santa singh : 'Well, my father dug it.'

Banta singh : 'That's nothing, have you ever heard of Dead

sea?'

Santa singh : 'Yes, I have.'

Banta singh : 'Well, my father killed it.'

Sardars on a fishing spree

Two surds go fishing. They catch a lot of fish and return to shore.

The first surd says: "I hope u remember the spot where u caught all those fish."

The other answers: "Yes,I made 'X'on the side of the boat to mark the spot."

"U idiot!"replies the first."how do u know u will get the same boat tommorrow."

The three Convicts

Three convicts escaped from prison. One was a Madrasi, one a Gujarati,

and one a Sardar. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn

where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up,

they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for

camouflage.

About an hour later the Prison Warden and his assistant came into the barn. The

warden told his assistant to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got

up there the warden asked him what he saw and the assistant yelled back,

"Just three gunnysacks."

The warden told him to find out what was in them, so the assistant kicked the

first sack, which had the Madrasi in it. He went, "Bow-wow", so the assistant

told the warden there was a dog in it.

Then he kicked the sack with the Gujarati in it. He went, "Meow", so

the assistant told the warden there was a cat in it.

Then he kicked the one with the Sardar in it, and there was no sound at

all. So he kicked it again, and finally the Sardar said, "Potatoes".

Sardar at railway Station

 

Our Sardar, one day is at the railway station.

He asks one man "When will Rajdhani Express go from here"?

Man Replies 12.30.

"When will Punjab Express go from here"?

Man Replies 10.30.

"When will Deccan Queen go from here"?Man Replies 12.30.

Thus the sardar goes on asking for all the trains.

Now the man gets fed up and asks whether he wants to go to punjab by

train or not. Sardar replies, "NO. I only want to cross the tracks!"

Sardar and the lie detector

An Englishman, an American and a Sardarji are called upon to test

a lie detector.

The Englishman says:

"I think I can empty 20 bottles of beer".

BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector.

"Ok", he says, "10 bottles".

And the machine is silent.

The American says:

"I think I can eat 15 hamburgers".

BUZZZZZZ,goes the lie detector.

"Allright, 8 hamburgers".

And the machine's silent.

The Sardarji says:

"I think...",

BUZZZZZZ goes the machine.

 

Sardar and the race

 

 

Once, a Hindu, a Sardar and an American were travelling in an aeroplane.

Suddenly, something went wrong and the engines stalled. They had no

parachutes with them. So all the three of them decided to risk their lives

and jump out of their planes.

First, the Sardar jumped out. He removed his turban, used it as a

parachute and jumped. Using the turban he slowly floated down.

Then the Hindu removed his dhoti and jumped out. Again his dhoti acted as

a parachute and he also floated down gently. Seeing this, the American

removed his shirt and pant and jumped out.

Unfortunately, they did not do well as a parachute and he began to fall

rapidly from the plane to the ground. He passed by the Hindu who said

" May Bhagwan help you". Then he passed the Sardar. The Sardar looked

at the American zooming past him and was puzzled. So he said - "I see!

You want a race! Let us see who is faster" Saying so, he let go of his

turban.

 

Examination

Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final

examination which consists of Y/N type questions.

He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question

paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his

wallet out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the

answer sheet - Y for Heads and N for Tails. Within half an hour he is

all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.

During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately throwing the coin,

swearing and sweating.

The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.

"Oye, I finished the exam in half and hour". "But yaar", he says,

"I am rechecking my answers and am not able to tally them with what I

wrote."

 

Buying a horse

Banta and Santa buy one race horse each after learning about big money in racing. Says Banta, "How do we

identify which horse is mine and which one is yours?" Santa Singh replies, "I will cut the tail of my horse and

so the horse without a tail will be mine and the one with a tail will be yours." So they cut the tail of the horse.

But in the night their naughty kids cut the tail of the other horse too. And the next day

Banta Singh is worried and says, "I will cut one of the ears of my horse so the horse with one ear will be mine

and the other one will be yours." The next night the kids cut the other horse's ears too. And so it goes on until

the horses lost their ears, eyes, had broken noses etc. And in the end both horses were left only with bare legs

and were just barely living. Both Santa and Banta were frustrated.

At last Banta says, "BAHUT HO GAYA. SAFED WALA GHORA MERA, KALA WALA TERA"

 

 

Delhi to Bombay

A Surd was going by train from Delhi to Bombay.

He kept getting off at every station to buy a ticket till the next station.

When the train reached Delhi, the Surd's co-passengers asked him why he kept on buying tickets instead of buying a ticket for the entire.

The Surd replied that his doctor had advised him against taking long journeys.

***********************************************************************************************

Pay or No Pay

Our sardarji was filling up an application form for a job.

He promptly filled the columns titled NAME,AGE,ADDRESS etc.

Then he came to the column Salary Expected :

He was not sure as to what to be filled there.

After much thought he wrote : Yes

***********************************************************************************************

Railways

A sardarji was working as editor in a daily newspaper. Once he was travelling to Bombay to deliver a speech about railway department improvements. His coach was the last coach in the train. The train was moving very fast and so sardarji's coach was jerking heavily. This made him not to prepare anything for the speech.

Annoyed by the event, next day in the meeting, his first point towards improvement of railway department was "There should not be last coach in any train."

***********************************************************************************************

What Problem?

Sardarji ( to doctor ) : 'Doctor, I have a problem.'

Doctor : 'What's your problem?'

Sardarji : 'I keep forgetting things.'

Doctor : 'Since when do you have this problem?'

Sardarji : 'What problem?'

***********************************************************************************************

Bomb + Sardar = Trouble

Sardars Hari Singh and Gani Singh got fed up with the Indian Govt and decided to blow up the parliament. They took 2 bombs, put them in a suitcase in the front seat of their car and set off.

Hari Singh asks "What happens if the bombs blast off now".

Gani Singh says "Don't worry. I have a spare bomb in the back seat"

***********************************************************************************************

How many idlis in a empty Stomach

Once Banta Singh goes to dinner with his friends.Just to have some fun one of his friends ask's Banta, "How many Idlis can you eat when your stomach is empty?". For which Banta answers promptly - "8 idlis".

His friends laugh at him and say,nobody can eat 8 idlis when their stomach is empty because when they eat the first idli their stomach would no longer be empty.

Banta enjoys the joke very much and as soon as he comes home calls his wife and asks, "How many idlis can you eat when your stomach is empty?". She replies - "5 idlis".

Hearing this answer Banta gets furious and replies, "You fool! Had you said '8 idlis' I would have told you a good joke!"

***********************************************************************************************

New in Town

Once a sardarji went to the city of Mumbai for the first time to meet his father. His father had asked him to keep walking in the direction of the sunrise until he eventually reached his house.

Since, the sardarji was new to the city he decided to ask a passerby the direction in which the sun rose in, east, west, north or south?

The passerby also a Sardarji thought for some time and then said, "Main bhi is sheher mein naya aaya hoon!"

***********************************************************************************************

Tragedy in Punjab

Did you hear the news about the 747 that crashed in a cemetery in Punjab recently?

The Surd officials have so far retrieved 4000 bodies.

Did you hear about the latest tragedy in Punjab?

There was a terrible power failure in a large shopping mall, people were stuck on the escalators for 4 hours!

***********************************************************************************************LLatest Invention!

Did you hear about the latest Surd invention? It's a solar-powered flashlight.

***********************************************************************************************

But wait theres More!

A Surd was jumped by two muggers and fought like hell, but was finally subdued.

His attackers then proceeded to go through his pockets. "You mean you fought like that for 57 paise?" asked one of the muggers increduously. "Is that all you wanted?" moaned the Surd.

"I thought you were after the 400 Rupees in my shoe!"

Santa Singh was walking on the road and paused to read the graffiti on the wall.

It read "Padne waala gadha."(one who reads it is an ass.)

Santa Singh thought for an hour, erased it and wrote back,"Likhne waala gadha."(One who wrote it is an ass).

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mrs. Banta Singh was in the habit of having long conversation on the telephone, sometimes going on over an hour. One day she hung up after 25 minutes."What is the matter today? asked her husband. "Today you had less than half an hour conversation on the phone."

"I got a wrong number," replied Mrs. Banta Singh.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Banta Singh was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defence.

"They should nto put up such misleading notices,"said Banta Singh." It said , FINE FOR PARKING HERE."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mrs Kartar had bought a beautiful sweater for her husband . She sent it to her husband by parcel post along with a note. The note said : ' The buttons of the sweater are removed since they where too heavy and added to the postage . You will find them in the right hand pocket of the sweater .

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Avtar & Kartar used to stay in same building . Avtar on the Ground floor & Kartar on the 25thfloor. One day when the lift was not working , Kartar invited Avtar for a Dinner. Avtar trudged up to 25thfloor to find Kartar's flat closed from outside and had a note which read : ' How did you enjoy your dinner ? '

Not to be outdone , Avtar wrote under it , ' Sorry , I could not make it . '

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Santa Singh : 'Look Banta, what type of glasses they have made.

The top is closed. How can you fill lassi in it ?'

Banta Singh : 'Yes, that's funny. And even if you make a hole at the top, how will

the lassi stay in the glass when the bottom is open?'

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A sardarji with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But .. what happened to your other ear?" "The scoundrel called back."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A sardar sees lot of guys running on the highway. Asks a bystander as to why are the guys doing what they are doing. The bystander,"A Marathon race is going on. Sardar : What do they get from that? Bystander : The winner will get a prize Sardar : Then why are the others running?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Then there`s the one about the Sardarji who brought his binoculars to a funeral where they were going to bury a distant relative of his...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sardar Checks Spellings

Do u know What Surdarji will do after taking Xerox ?

He will compare it with the original for spelling mistakes !!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sardar takes xerox

6. Do u know what surdarji will do if he wants a white paper

? (he

already has one and he wants one more..) He takes a Xerox of

the white paper !!!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

A successful husband is one who earns more money than his wife can spend.

A successful wife is one who can find such a husband.

 

It is entirely wrong to say that Mr. Khushwant Singh is a habitual drinker. He drinks only on two days one when it rains and other when it does not rain.

 

-At a bar in New York, the man to Laloo's left tells the bartender, "JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE." & the man's companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE." The bartender approaches Laloo and asks, "AND YOU, SIR?" Laloo replies: "LALOO YADAV, MARRIED."

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

Practice makes perfect.....

But nobody's perfect......

so why practice?

 

 

 

------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

If your father is a poor man,

It is your fate but,

If your father-in-law is a poor man,

It's your stupidity.

 

 

 

-------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

I was born intelligent

Education ruined me.

 

 

 

-------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station....

what more can I say..........

 

 

 

-------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

If it's true that we are here to help others, then,

What exactly are the others here for?

 

 

 

-------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Since light travels faster than sound,

people appear bright until you hear them speak.

 

 

 

-------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

How come "abbreviated" is such a long word ?

 

 

 

-------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Success is a relative term.

It brings so many relatives.

 

 

 

-------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

"Your future depends on your dreams"

So go to sleep

 

 

 

-------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

There should be a better way to start a day

than waking up every morning

 

 

 

-------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

"Hard work never killed anybody"

But why take the risk !

 

 

 

-------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

"Work fascinates me"

I can look at it for hours !

------------------

-------------------------------------------

God made relatives;

Thank God we can choose our friends.

 

 

 

-------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The more you learn, the more you know,

The more you know, the more you forget

The more you forget, the less you know

So.. why learn.

 

 

 

 

 

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

 

the great debate with pope

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Sardars had to

leave Italy. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Sardar community. So

the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the

Sardar community. If the Sardar won, the Sardars could stay. If the Pope

won, the Sardars would leave.

The Sardars realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged

man named Santa Singh to represent them. Santa Singh asked for one

condition to be added to the debate. To make it more interesting, the

debate was to be conducted using sign language and neither side would be

allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Santa Singh and the Pope sat opposite

each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed

three fingers. Santa Singh looked back at him and raised one finger. The

Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Santa Singh pointed to

the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine.

Santa Singh pulled out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Sardars

can stay. "

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what had

happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the

trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was

still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around

me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the

ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the

wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an

apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What

could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Sardar community had crowded around Santa Singh. "What

happened ?" they asked. "Well", said Santa Singh, "First he said to me that

the Sardars had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of

us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of

Sardars. I let him know that we were staying right here."

"And then?", asked the crowd.

"I don't know," said Santa Singh, "He took out his lunch and I took out mine".

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the

Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful

lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be

anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and "Poof" she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and "Poof" she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just

doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St.

Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and

says...."No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid

by 1,400 men in 6 months!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife said, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the hunter, "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

 

HEIGHT OF TECHNOLOGY

 

Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut . May I have your..."

Customer: "Heloo, can I order.."

Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"

Customer: "It's eh..., hold on...... 6102049998-45-54610"

Operator : "OK... you're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan

Kayu. Your home number is 40942366, your office 7645 2302 and your

mobile is 014 266 2566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"

Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?"

Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"

Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."

Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"

Customer: "How come?"

Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood

pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"

Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"

Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it"

Customer: "How do you know for sure?"

Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from

the National Library last week Sir"

Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, how

much

will that cost?"

Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total

is $49.99"

Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"

Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card

is over the limit and you owe your bank $3,720.55 since October last

year. That's not including the late payment charges on your housing

loan, Sir."

Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw

some cash before your guy arrives"

Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your

daily limit on machine withdrawal today"

Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready.

How

long is it gonna take anyway?"

Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always

come and collect it on your motorcycle..."

Customer: " Wat!"

Operator : "According to the details in system , you own a Scooter,

...registration number E1123..."

Customer: " *'!^ *%^**%^I7*"

Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987

you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman... ?"

Customer: [Speechless]

Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"

Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free

bottles of cola as advertised?"

Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're

also diabetic....... "

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Few interestin Q's and Ans'.................

Q. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?

A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack!

Q. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?

A. No time at all -- it is already built.

Q. Which would you prefer to have, an old ten-dollar bill or a new one?

A. An old ten-dollar bill is worth ten times as much as a new one dollar bill.

Q. Approximately how many birthdays does the average Japanese woman have?

A. Just one. All the others are anniversaries.

Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?

A. Very large hands.

Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?

A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand.

Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?

A. He sleeps at night.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Kaun banega crorepati ?

* Big B : How much is 4 3 - 8 0 ?

* Karishma Kapoor (Counting on her fingers) : Too tough...I forgot my laptop.

* Ajit : Very simple... 4 3 = 3 4 ; baki ka kam mera assistant karega.

* Rajnikaanth : I shall charge no less than Rs.1 crore for answering this question. By the way, anything added to zero gives zero..too trivial !

* Salman Khan : Grow up to thums up ! Have a Coke and recharge ur brains !

* Shahrukh Khan : 4 ? Ye dil maange more ...! Aha...

* Lalluprasad Yadav : Bihar may hum paise dekar koi bhe result badalwa sakte hain ! Ap answer change karne ka kitna lete hain wo Rabriji ko phone par bataiye....

* Kate Winslet : I am perplexed..! How strange....I'm getting a different answer every time.

* Aishwarya : Oh yesss...! I do remember having mugged up something like that during the MISS WORLD competition. What a nice time we had ! Wow!I think what matters more is whether you are able to grasp the essence of the question.

* Amir Khan : Bus kya? Ye padhai badhai chodo aur Khandala chalo.....ati (?) kya Khandala?

* AMIT HINDUSTANI ( A class II kid from Mumbai) : -1

* Ashok Kumar : To abhi aapne yeh dekha ( wheeze ), ki yahan se Delhi ke Ramesh Kumar ( gasp ), yahan se Rs. 20,000 leke chale gaye. ( groan ).

Kal aur dus logon ko leke phir milenge Hum Log (croak ).

*Kesto Mukherji : Hee-heek. Heek-yeaaaiiiiiik. Apne ko sab kuch do-do dikh rahela hai. Hee-heek. Yeh aath options kidhar se aa gaye ? Hee-yok. Apne ko bahut chad gayeli hai.

*Mithun Chakraborty : Eaeeeeeh ! Tu audience poll karega ?

Aye, yahan ke public ke paas time nahin hai. Kya nahin hai ? Time nahin hai.

*Jagdeep : Bole to Soorma Bhopali - meri jeb ho gayi khaali.

Mere pass to koi cheque nahin hain. Arre mujhko jaane do

*Raj Kumar : Jaani, huuum, hhhuuuum hote to apne dost ko phone kar ke sawaal pooch lete

*Sanjay Dutt : Aye item log, kaye ko udhar khada hai?

Idhar aake mere pass baith jaa.

Kya be chikne - tere ko aata hai to bol dal varna main tere ko idhar-eech phod dalega.

*Amjad Khan : Kitne options the ?

Chaar ?? Soover ke bachchon !

Chaar chaar options !

Bahut na-insaafi hai !

Dhish-keoin Dhish-keoin !

50-50 kar ke do galat jawab main uda diye.

Ab bol, tera kya hoga kaaliya

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

ADVERTISEMENT

 

Once there was a bus conductor, who was very rude to his

passengers. One day a beautiful young girl, of around 18

years,tried to board the bus, but he didn't stop the bus.

Unfortunately the beautiful young girl came under the us and died

on the spot. Angry passengers took the conductor to the police

station, who in turn took him to the court.

The judge was not at all impressed with him and gave him capital

punishment.He was taken to the electrocution chamber. There was a

single chair in the center of the room and a single banana peel at

one corner of the room. The conductor was strapped to the chair

and high voltage current was given to him. But to everyone's

amazement, he survived. The judge decided to set him free, and he

returned to his profession.

After a few months, this time, a good looking middle aged woman

tried to board the bus but the conductor didn't stop the bus.

Unfortunately, this time also,the good looking middle aged woman

came under the bus and died on the spot. Again angry passengers

took him to the police station, who in turn took him to the court.

The judge took one look at the conductor and gave him capital

punishment. The Bus conductor was taken to the same electrocution

chamber where there was a single chair in the center of the room

and a single banana peel at one corner of the room. He was

strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him.

This time also to everyone's amazement, he survived. The judge

decided to set him free, and he returned to his profession.

A couple of months later, an elderly gentleman tried to board the

bus.

This time the Bus conductor, remembering his earlier experiences,

stopped the bus. Unfortunately the elderly gentleman slipped and

died due to his injuries. The conductor was taken to the police

station and then to the court, to the same judge. Though he hadn't

done anything wrong, but considering his past record the judge

decided to set an example and gave him capital punishment. The Bus

conductor was again taken to the same electrocution chamber where

there was a single chair in the center of the room and a single

banana peel at one corner of the room. He was strapped to the

chair and high voltage current was given to him. This time he died

instantly !!!!!!!!!!!

The question is why didn't he die on the first two occasions, but

died instantly the third time??

Try to solve it yourselves. This is rather interesting and answer

is perfectly logical. If necessary read the puzzle once again.

 

 

 

Still you couldn't, Then see below.........

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

think hard

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

tired....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

wanna know the answer????

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Answer :

During the first two times, the conductor was a Bad Conductor,

therefore electricity didn't pass through him. But during the

third

time, he was a good conductor, electricity passed through him

freely and he died!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Resume of George Bush

 

 

GEORGE W. BUSH

Past work experience:

I ran for congress and lost.

I produced a Hollywood slasher B movie.

I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas; company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.

At least I made a sweet profit on the deal.

I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal courtesyof Daddy's friends, and managed to tie in valuable

land around the stadium using taxpayer money.

Biggest move:

Traded Sammy Sosa to the Chicago White Sox.

With my father's help and the name the Rangers deal had made for me, I was elected Governor of Texas.

Accomplishments as Governor of Texas:

I changed pollution laws for oil and power companies and made Texas the most polluted state in the nation.

I replaced Los Angeles with Houston as the most smog ridden city in America.

I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas government in billions of borrowed money.

I set a record for most executions by any governor in American history.

I became president after losing the popular vote by over 500,000 votes, with the help of Republican appointments

to the Supreme Court.

Accomplishments as president:

I attacked and took over two countries.

I spent the country's surplus and bankrupted the treasury.

I shattered the record for biggest annual deficit in history.

I set economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.

I set an all-time record for the biggest stock market drop in its history.

I am the first president in decades to execute a federal prisoner.

I am the first president in US history to enter office with a criminal record and in my first year in office set

the all-time record for most vacation days taken by any president. After taking the entire month of August off for

vacation, I presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.

I set the record for most campaign fundraising trips of any other president in U.S. history.

In my first two years in office over 2 million Americans lost their jobs.

I cut unemployment benefits for more out of work Americans than any president.

I set the all-time record for the most mortgage foreclosures in a 12-month period.

I set the record for the lowest number of press conferences than any president since the invention of television.

I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption was revealed.

I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history and refused to use the national reserves as past

presidents have done.

I cut healthcare benefits for war veterans and set the all-time record for the most people worldwide to

simultaneously take to the streets to protest me (15 million people), shattering the record for protest against

any person in the history of mankind.

I dissolved more international treaties than any president in U.S. history.

My presidency is the most secretive and unaccountable of any in U.S. history.

Members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history. (The 'poorest' multimillionaire,

Condoleeza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her). I am the first president in U.S. history to have all

50 states bankrupted at the same time.

I presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud of any market in any country in the history of the world.

I created the largest government bureaucracy in the history of the United States and set the all-time record for biggest

annual budget spending increases, more than any president in US history, while at the same time proposing tax cuts.

I am the first president in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the elections monitoring board.

I withdrew from the World Court of Law.

I hold the record for most corporate campaign donations. My biggest lifetime campaign contributor, one of my best friends,

presided over one of the largest corporate bankruptcy frauds in world history (Kenneth Lay, former CEO of Enron Corporation).

I am the first president in U.S. history to unilaterally attack a sovereign nation against the will of the United Nations and the world

community.

I am the first U.S. president to have a majority of the people of Europe (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to

world peace and stability.

I set all-time records for the number of administration appointees who violated U.S. law by not selling huge investments in

corporations bidding for government contracts.

I failed to get Osama Bin Laden 'dead or alive'.

I failed to capture the anthrax killer who tried to murder the leaders of our country at the United States Capitol building. After

18 months I have no leads and zero suspects.

In a little over two years I created the most divided country in decades.

I entered office with the strongest economy in U.S. history and in less than two years every economic category plunged.

I had the CIA's Tenet take the fall for a flawed claim in the State of the Union Address then backed him by announcing

I had complete faith in his competency.

I had overtime pay cut for millions of workers.

Records and References:

I have at least one conviction for drunk driving in Maine (Texas driving record has been erased and is not available).

I was AWOL from National Guard.

Records from my tenure as governor of Texas are in my father's library, unavailable for public view.

All records of any SEC investigations into my insider trading or bankrupt companies are sealed and unavailable for public view.

All minutes of meetings for any public corporation for which I served on the board are sealed and unavailable for public view.

Any records or minutes my VP or I attended regarding public energy policy are sealed and unavailable for public review.

For personal references please speak to my daddy or uncle James Baker.

They can be reached at their offices of the Carlyle Group for war-profiteering.

----------------

Booking Travel for Our Congress

Confessions from a travel agent working with the US Congress:

 

I had a New Hampshire congresswoman ask for an aisle seat on the airplane so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

*****************************

I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information.

She interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts."

Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."

Her response ... (click).

****************************

A senior Vermont congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!!!"

*****************************

I got a call from a lawmakers wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?"

I said, "No."

She said, "But they look so close on the map."

************************

An aide for a Bush cabinet member once called and asked if they could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed they only had a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

**********************************

An Illinois congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 am and got into Chicago at 8:33 am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

********************************

A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?"

I said, "No, why do you ask?"

She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight, I think that is very rude!"

After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

*****************************************

A lady senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?"

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever!!"

*********************************

A senior senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa.

"Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."

I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"

****************************************

A New Mexico congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York".

The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"

"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady.

After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere."

The lady retorted, "Oh don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"

The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"

"That's it! I knew it was a big animal", she admitted!!!

 

Now you know why the government is in the shape that it is !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Description= Murphy's (and other's) Laws

Ralph's Observation:

It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.

Farnsdick's corollary:

After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.

 

Firestone's Law of Forcasting:

Chicken Little only has to be right once.

 

Manly's Maxim:

Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

 

Cannon's Comment:

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

 

Murpny's Law:

If anything can go wrong, it will.

 

Murphy's Corollary:

Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

 

Murphy's Corollary:

It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

 

Murphy's Constant:

Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.

 

Quantized Revision of Murphy's Law:

Everything goes wrong all at once.

 

O'Toole's Commentary:

Murphy was an optimist.

 

Scott's Second Law:

When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found to have been correct in the first place.

 

Finagle's First Law:

If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

 

Finagle's Third Law:

In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.

 

Finagle's Fourth Law:

Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.

 

Gumperson's Law:

The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.

 

Rudin's Law:

In crises that force people to choose among alternative courses of action, most people will choose the worst one possible.

 

Ginsberg's Restatement of the Three Laws of Thermodynamics:

You can't win. You can't break even. You can't quit.

 

Ehrman's Commentary:

Things will get worse before they will get better. Who said things would get better?

 

Howe's Law:

Everyone has a scheme that will not work.

 

Zymurgy's First Law of Evolving Systems Dynamics:

Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a bigger can.

 

Non-Reciprocal Law of Expectations:

Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results.

 

Klipstein's Law:

You never find a lost article until you replace it.

 

Glatum's Law of Materialistic Acquisitiveness:

The perceived usefulness of an article is inversely proportional to its actual usefulness once bought and paid for.

 

Lewis' Law:

No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after you've bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.

 

The Airplane Law:

When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.

 

Etorre's Observation:

The other line always moves faster.

 

Etorre's Ovservation:

The chance of the bread falling with the butter side down is directly proportional to the value of the carpet.

 

Hawkin's Theory of Progress:

Progress does not consist of replacing a theory that is wrong with one that is right. It consists of replacing a theory that is wrong with one that is more subtly wrong.

 

Gold's Law:

If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

 

Law of Reruns:

If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode.

 

Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:

1. An object in motion will be heading in the wrong direction.

 

Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:

2. An object at rest will be in the wrong place.

 

Langin's Law:

If things were left to chance, they'd be better.

 

Klipstein's Observation:

If you need n items of anything, you will have n - 1 in stock

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Matchmaker Laloo ...

Laloo Prasad Yadav talks to his son

Laloo : "I want you to marry a girl of my choice"

Son : "I want to choose my own bride".

Laloo : "But the girl is Ambani's daughter."

Son : "Well, in that case..."

Next Laloo approaches Dhirubhai

Laloo : "I have a husband for your daughter."

Dhirubhai : "But my daughter is too young to marry."

Laloo : "But this young man is a vice president of the

World Bank."

Dhirubhai : "Ah, in that case..."

Finally Laloo goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Laloo : "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice

president."

Vice President : "But I already have more vice presidents than I

need."

Laloo : "But this young man is Ambani's son-in-law."

Vice President : "Ah, in that case....."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One day, all of the world's famous physicists decided to get together

for

a party. Fortunately, the doorman was a grad student.

Here are some of his observations.

 

 

 

Avogadro decided the time and date : 6 O' clock on the 23rd of the

month.

When Archimedes heard about it, he was so buoyant that he jumped out of

his bath tub and announced the news to everyone.

Coulomb had to charge him with indecent exposure.

Newton did not show any reaction.

Volt thought that the social had a lot of potential.

Hollerith liked the hole idea.

Heisenberg announced that he may or may not be there.

The Curies were there and just glowed the whole time.

Hilbert was pretty spaced out for most of it.

Newton initially did not move, but once he forced himself to go,

everyone

else seemed to gravitate towards him.

At the party, it was found that Watt was the most powerful speaker.

Young, on the other hand, tried to be coherent but interfered with

everyone else.

Ampere talked mostly about current events which Ohm tried to resist.

Lenz tended to oppose anyone who tried to change his ideas.

Everyone was attracted to Tesla's magnetic personality.

Stefan and Boltzman got into some hot debates.

It was observed that when Faraday and Weber got together, they can sure

generate a lot.

Compton was a little scatter-brained at times.

Bernoulli was less pressurised. His secret was to move quickly.

Cauchy was the only mathematician there. But he still managed to

integrate

well with everyone.

Pauli came late, but was mostly excluded from things, so he split.

Wien radiated a colourful personality.

Meanwhile, Becquerel was beaming with activity.

Hooke also had fun because it was an extension of his natural self.

Pascal didn't enjoy much because he was under a lot of pressure.

Shy de Broglie just stood at one corner and waved to everyone.

Rutherford formed a close nucleus with his associates, he doesn't like

scattering.

At the food table, Thomson was seen to enjoy only plum pudding.

Planck tried to grab food in quanta, but Bohr would only allow him to

take

certain levels.

Careless Milikan dropped his Italian oil dressing.

Hertz went to the buffet table every second.

Faraday had quite a capacity for food.

Bohr ate too much and got atomic ache.

Hamilton went to the buffet tables exactly once.

Hall probed into everything on the buffet table but Celsius just went

for

the ice and the steam.

As for Kelvin, he had absolutely zero intake.

Oppenheimer got bombed.

Einstein thought that he had a relatively good time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Once upon a time... In a village, there came a lion & started troubling

villagers. Being frustrated because of the lion, people decide to take

some action. They decide that after 6:00 o'clock in the evening

everybody will return home and lock the doors from inside. The trick

works, lion comes and finds nothing. Second day also it comes and sees

the same thing everywhere! It happens for 2-3 nights. Then finally one

day, the frustrated lion comes and lock all the doors from outside and

goes back into the forest. Now suggest some good title for the story!

Reminder: You are asked to suggest the title of the story and not the

moral (Try your best and then scroll down for title)

Think of a title

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Scroll down

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Think more...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

SHER-LOCK-HOMES

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A bear has fallen from a height of 10 meters.

It took square-root of 2 seconds for it to fall on the ground

Now can you tell me the COLOR of the bear based on this information?

Please don't think this is a foolish question...

The answer to it is very logical...

After you have solved the puzzle or have picked up something

hard to hit the sender of the mail on the head with ...

scroll down ... (guys this is really good. Trust me on this one!!)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

++++++

Answer

++++++

Let's see how the above puzzle is a logical one.

01. The bear has fallen from a height of 10 m

02. It took square root(2) sec for it to fall.

03. Obviously it's initial velocity is zero (since it's a freely falling body).

04. Let's assume the acceleration due to gravity is: 'a' meters/seconds square at that place.

05. So applying the formula.. S = ut + (1/2*a*t^2)

we know... u = 0, S = 10, t = square root(2) secs

Hence,

10 = 0*sqroot(2) + {(1/2) * a * 2 }

06. Solving the above equation gives a = 10 meters/seconds square

07. For a free falling body 'a' is the gravitational pull which is g = 9.8 m/s^2

08. Hence at that place where the bear fell, the acceleration due to gravity is the highest (its greater than 9.8 and since wkt a)

09. This can happen only at the poles .. (North or South)

10. And we know that only polar bears can survive in the sub zero temperatures of the poles

11. And no points for guessing that the colour of a Polar bear is WHITE !!!

 

 

 

16 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK...

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It leads to more honest communications.

3. It reduces complaints about low pay.

4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.

5. It encourages car pooling.

6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.

7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

8. It makes fellow employees look better.

9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.

13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

16. Sitting "Bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as gross.

 

 

 

 

This is to start your week ahead....

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Saddam is still alive" Saddam decided to send George W. a letter in his own hand writing to let him know that he was truly still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

37OHSSV-O773H

George W couldn't figure it out so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell.

Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA.

No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and the Secret Service and even NASA..... this list got longer and longer.

Eventually, they asked Mossad in Israel for help. Cpt. Moishe Pippich took one look at it and replied: "Tell the President he is holding the message upside down."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

kuch peete hain dard mittane ko..............

kuch peete hain gum chuppaane ko............

hum tho sirf isliye peete hain.....................

kyonki........cheetah bhi peeta hai......!

***********

I mixed RUM in water and got drunk. I mixed BRANDY in water and got drunk.

I mixed WHISKY in water and got drunk again. Now I have decided never to drink water again !!!

*********************

This msg. will refresh your brain in 5 seconds. 5.... 4.... 3.... 2....1....

Error : No Brain Detected !!

*********************

Zindagi mein tum bahut aage jaaoge, kyonki jahan bhi tum jaooge, sab

kahenge, chal be chal aage chal.

*********************

Good morning...Have u done two of the most important things when you wake

up today?

1)Pray, so that u may live... 2)Take a bath-so that others may live too!

*********************

Good looks catch the eyes but Good Personality catches the heart, You are

blessed with both!. FLATTERED?. Don't Be, it was sent to me, I just wanted you to read

it.

*********************

Shah Jahan Ne Taj Mahal Ki Har Deewar Ko Dekha, Har Meenar Ko Dekha, Har

Kaleen Ko Dekha, Har Khidki Se Dekha... Aur Bola...

Maa Kasam, Bahut Kharcha Ho Gaya !!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hindi Definations.......

CRICKET : Gol guttam lakad battam de danadan pratiyogita

CRICKET TEST MATCH : Pakad dandu, maar mandu, de danaadan pratiyogita

TABLE TENNIS : Lakdi ke phalak shetra pe le takaatak de takaatak

LAWN TENNIS : Harit Ghaas par le tada tad, de tada tad

LIGHT BULB : Vidyut Prakashak Kanch golak

TIE : Kanth Langoti

MATCH BOX : Ragdampatti Agni Utpaadan Peti

TRAFFIC SIGNAL : Aavat Jaavat Suchak Jhandaa

TEA : Dugdh Jal Mishrit Sharkara Yukt Parvatiya(pahaadi) Booti

TRAIN : Sahasra Chakra Louh Path Gaamini

ALL ROUTE PASS : Yatr Tatr Sarvatr Gaman Aagya Patr

RAILWAY SIGNAL : Loh Path Gamini Suchak Yantra

RAILWAY SIGNAL : Agni Rath Aava Gaman Soochak Pattika

RAILWAY SIGNAL : Louh path gaamini aawagaman suchak yantra

RAILWAY STATION : Bhabhka Adda

BUTTON : Ast Vyast Vastra Niyantrak

MOSQUITO : Gunjanhaari Manav Rakt Pipasu Jeev

TOILET FLUSH : Kiye karaye par paani fer dene waala yantra

CIGERETTE : Shweta patra mandit dhumra shalakha

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The following is the conversation between

Lallo Prasad Yadav and Bill Gates.

Gates : Hi! you must have heard of Windows.

Lallo : Oh yes! most govt. offices we have the single window

clearanceconcept

Gates : At home have u installed Windows?

Lallo : I have removed all windows due to increased burgalaries in ourhouse.

Gates(Confused): Then what is the system you operate on?

Lallo : OPERATION ? Yes, I had a Hernia operation last month.

Gates(Sweating) : Hope the internet is being used a lot in India.

Lallo: Oh Yes! Due to increased mosquito problems many people aresleeping under the net.

Gates: By the year 2000 India should export computer chips.

Lallo: We are already exporting Uncle Chips.

Gates(Feeling very Uneasy): do you regularly use LapTops?

Lallo: My grand-child sleeps on the top of my lap.

Gates(Heavily Sweating): The Chief Minister of Andhra Pradesh knows a lot about RAM and ROM

Lallo : RUM? Prohibition is being lifted and it will be shortlyavailablein A.P..

Gates(Feeling Dizzy): I would like to take your leave before my

systemcrashes.

Lallo: I have exhuasted all my leave.

Gates: I have no energy left, let us go out and have a bite.

Lallo: BITE? I I believe in non-violence. I will not bite.

Son : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?

Father : No. Why do you ask that?

Son : Well, where did you get mummy then?

-------------------------------------

Lady : Is this my train?

Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.

Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train

to

Kuala Lumpur.

Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy

-------------------------------------

Peter : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green

and one is blue with red spots!

Kirk : Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same at

home.

-------------------------------------

Teacher: Peter, why are you late for school again?

Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the

game

went into extra time.

-------------------------------------

Wife: Do you want dinner?

Husband: Sure, what are my choices?

Wife: Yes and no.

-------------------------------------

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"

Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

-------------------------------------

The girl asked her lover, "Darling, if we get engaged will you give

me a

ring?"

"Sure, " replied her lover "What's your phone number?"

-------------------------------------

A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a

commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded

the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."

The drunkard immediately responded,

"Thank you , your honor, I'll have a scotch and soda."

------------------------------------

'For twenty years my husband and I were very happy'

'What happened then?'

'We met.'

-------------------------------------

Customer: 'If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Brighton in

two

days'

time?'

Post Master: 'Well it might do.'

Customer: I bet you, it won't.

Post Master: Why not?

Customer: It's addressed to London.

-------------------------------------

An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.

'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.'

'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.

'How long has what been going on?' said the man.

-------------------------------------

Girl : Do you love me ?

Boy : Yes Dear

Girl : Would you die for me ?

Boy : No, mine is undying love

-------------------------------------

1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window

2nd thief: But this is the 13th floor.

1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions.

-------------------------------------

Man : How old is your father ?

Boy : As old as me

Man : How can that be ?

Boy : He became a father only when I was born

-------------------------------------------------------------

Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the

field"

Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field Teacher : How ?

Student : Ladies first.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Crappy Date (A True Story)

Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage.

Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night.

Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back.

Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom. After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes. He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again.

So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees.

They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up.

He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise. "Oh crap," he thinks (and feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the outside. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy.

On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap.

Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?" he asks.

"No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies. They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the right, women's fashions are on the left. They split up.

Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) "Just the pants." "What?" asks the Gap girl.

"Just the pants!" (Eyes still trained on his date.) Gap girl: "Oh, OK."

He pays for the pants and walks over to his date; then they leave the store. They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out...just the sweater.

 

 

 

 

 

History Can Be Fun

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be..... Here are some facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

* * * * * *

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children-last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

 

* * * * * * Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

 

* * * * * * There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

 

* * * * * * The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor."

 

* * * * * * The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a "thresh hold."

 

* * * * * * In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

 

* * * * * * Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat."

 

* * * * * * Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

 

* * * * * * Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."

 

* * * * * * Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake."

 

* * * * * * England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."

 

* * * * * * And that's the truth... Now, whoever said that History was boring ?!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

WHAT MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME OR WHAT WE TAUGHT OUR OWN KIDS

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished

cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next

week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.

"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the

store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.

"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have

wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.

"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: my mother taught me about JUSTICE.

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This has got to be one of the most clever E-Mails ever seen. Someone out

there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till

you see the last one!!!) And don't peek!

GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

EVANGELIST: When you rearrange the letters: EVIL'S AGENT

PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY

MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE

And for the grand finale: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: When you rearrange

the letters (With no letters left over and using each letter only once):

TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A stranger was seated next to Little John on the plane when the stranger turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little John, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little John. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.

A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pelleile, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little John, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

RELAX MAN

Importance: High

 

Do U Know !....

 

The population of India is 100 crore.

But 19 crore are retired.

That leaves 81 crore do the work.

There are 25 crore in school,

which leaves 56 crore to do the work.

Of this there are 22 crore employed by the Central Government,

leaving 34 crore to do the work.

4 crore are in the Armed Forces,

which leaves 30 crore to do the work.

Take away from above total the 20 crore people who

work for State Governments

(State Government employees officially do not work!)

And that leaves 10 crores to do the work.

Total unemployed are 8 crore

and that leaves 2 crore to do the work.

At any given time there are 1.2 crore people in hospitals,

leaving 80 lakh to do the work.

Now, according to Indian Statistical Institute,

there are 79,99,998 people in prisons throughout the country.

That leaves just 2 people to do the work.......

 

You and me!!!

 

And currently YOU are sitting at your computer reading mails.

So I am the only person in our country who is working!

And that's why India is surviving!!!

 

Now, please close this mail and do your job because,

for a change, I want to rest. And I don't want India

to suffer because of that!

 

 

 

 

TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS

You hve two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.

You retire on the income.

INDIAN ECONOMICS

You have two cows.

You worship them.

PAKISTAN ECONOMICS

You don't have any cows.

You claim that the Indian cows belong to you.

You ask the US for financial aid, China for military aid,

Britain

for warplanes, Italy for machines, Germany for technology,

France

for submarines, Switzerland for loans, Russia for drugs and

Japan

for equipment.

You buy the cows with all this and claim of exploitation by the

world.

AMERICAN ECONOMICS

You have two cows.

You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four

cows.

You profess surprise when the cow drops dead.

You put the blame on some nation with cows & naturally that

nation will be a danger to mankind. You wage a war to save the

world and grab the cows.

FRENCH ECONOMICS

You have two cows.

You go on strike because you want three cows.

GERMAN ECONOMICS

You have two cows.

You reengineer them so that they live for 100 years, eat once a

month and milk themselves.

BRITISH ECONOMICS

You have two cows.

They are both mad.

ITALIAN ECONOMICS

You have two cows.

You don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

SWISS ECONOMICS

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.

You charge others for storing them.

JAPANESE ECONOMICS

You have two cows.

You redesign them so that they are one-tenth the size of an

ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

You then create cute cartoon cow images called Cowkimon and

market them worldwide.

RUSSIAN ECONOMICS

You have two cows.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

You count them again and learn you have 17 cows.

You give up counting and open another bottle of vodka.

CHINESE ECONOMICS

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest

anyone reporting the actual numbers.

 

 

 

 

Q.How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without

cracking it?

A.Concrete floors are very hard to crack!

 

 

Q.If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall,how

long would it take four men to build it?

A. No time at all it is already built.

 

 

Q.If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand

and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you

have?

A. Very large hands.(Good 1 na?)

 

 

Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?

A. He sleeps at night.

 

 

Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it

will become?

A. Wet.(sorry abt this)

 

 

Q. What gets wet with drying ?

A : A towel.

 

 

Q. Why is it easy to weigh a fish ?

A : Because it has its own scales.

 

 

Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state?

A : Liquid

 

Q: what is the opposite of Nagpanchmi?

A: Nag did not punch me.

 

Q:now what is the inverse of Nagpanchmi?

A: I punched the Nag.

 

Q:Chintu's mom has three sons.What is the name of the

other two?

A:Chin-1 & Chin-3 (maaf, this was the worst 1!)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Old Age

A man asked his doctor if the doctor thought he'd live to be a hundred. The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"

"No," he replied, "I've never done either."

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars and fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.

"No, I've never done any of those things, either."

"Well, then," said the doctor, "why do you want to live to be a hundred?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lawyers in Heaven

An engineer dies and dutifully shows up at the Pearly Gates for admission to Heaven. St. Peter denies him entrance, on the basis that heaven is not accepting any engineers.

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls up Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

"What?!" God shouts. "You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there. Send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Software can do Funny Things !!

In March 1992 a man living in Newtown near Boston Massachusetts received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00.He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another and threw that one away too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return of post. He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they'd take care of it.

The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been cancelled. He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it.

The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.

Finally giving in he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all. A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt.

The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

JACKASS!!!

This is kinda long, but read the whole thing- its quite funny.

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need totake it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!!

Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"

The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.

[Keep reading, it gets better.]

The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking pace. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro came flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass, there sure a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."

I said, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes,"

"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.

I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution :

First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello."

I yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up.

The jackass said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "No."

He said, "What's your name, Pal?"

I said, "Don Hansen."

He said "Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front."

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.

Then I called Jackass #2.

He answered, "Hello."

I said, "Hello, Jackass!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your butt."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!" ,and I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home.

Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.

Glorious!

Watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter and the Channel 13 News Crew, was one of the greatest experiences of my life!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here's how the professors of different subjects define the same word (kiss)

in different ways :

Prof. of Algebra : Kiss is infinity because two divided by nothing.

Prof. of Geometry : Kiss is the shortest distance between two lips.

Prof. of Physics : Kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of

the heart.

Prof. of Chemistry : Kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.

Prof. of Zoology : Kiss is the interchange of salivary bacteria.

Prof. of Physiology : Kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularisoris muscles in the state of contraction.

Prof. of Dentistry : Kiss is infectious and antiseptic.

Prof. of Accountancy : Kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.

Prof. of Economics : Kiss is that thing for which the demand is always higher than the supply.

Prof. of Statistics : Kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.

Prof. of Philosophy : Kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.

Prof. of English : Kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.

Prof. of Comp.Science : What is a kiss? It looks to be an undefined variable.

Prof. of Architecture : Kiss is a process which builds a solid bond between the two dynamic objects

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HEIGHT OF ISOLATION: Two persons sitting side by side using emails to

communicate with each other.

HEIGHT OF COWARDICE: Two persons fighting through emails.

HEIGHT OF HELPLESSNESS: Receiving no emails for a week.

HEIGHT OF FRUSTRATION: The email server being down.

HEIGHT OF CARELESSNESS: Writing a love mail and doing a 'Send All.'

HEIGHT OF ACHIEVEMENT: A person sending email to a girl/boy wanting to

become friends and getting a reply.

HEIGHT OF TIMEPASS: A person sending email to himself

HEIGHT OF EXPECTATION: Sending Indian cricket team an e-mail,wishing them

to win a match

HEIGHT OF REPETITION: Forwarding an email to someone and receiving the same

email forwarded back to you by some one in the receiving chain.

HEIGHT OF BROWSING: You are swimming in the water pond and shout "F1 F1F1 "

instead of shouting "HELP" when you are unable to swim.

HEIGHT of MY FRIENDSHIP: I am always mailing you even though you don't !

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Some of them are Old, but most are neat :-)

 

To live a life, one needs brains, reflex, perception, looks, IQ,

knowledge, way of __expression & many more mental qualities.

Hats off 2 u coz u manage 2 live without them.

|--------------------------------------------------------------------------|

 

If u hide, i'll seek 4 u. If u r lost, i'll search 4 u. If u'll leave,

i'll wait 4 u. If days take u away 4m me, i'll fight 4 u. But, if u stop

sending msgs, i'll kill you.

|--------------------------------------------------------------------------|

 

Beta bola "papa papa mujhe bandar dekhna hai". Papa bole, "Nahi bete, abhi

nahi". "Papa kyon ?" .......... "Bete abhi bandar SMS padh raha hai"

|--------------------------------------------------------------------------|

 

I saw something in a shop window. It was stunning, cute, simply adorable.

I was supposed 2 buy it 4 u, then I realised it was my reflection.

|--------------------------------------------------------------------------|

Shah Jahan Ne Taj Mahal Ki Har Deewar Ko Dekha, Har Meenar Ko Dekha, Har

Kaleen Ko Dekha, Har Khidki Se Dekha... Aur Bola...

Maa Kasam, Bahut Kharcha Ho Gaya !!!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

---

Falling in love is a sweet ambition, finding true love is a life time

mission.. Take my word,

follow the Indian tradition & marry ur dad's ugly decision !

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

---

Good looks catch the eyes but Good Personality catches the heart, You are

blessed with both!. FLATTERED?.

Don't Be, it was sent to me, I just wanted you to read it.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

---

From Mon to Sun, From Jan To Dec, From birth till my death, my feelings 4

u have never changed. For me, you've always been...........

a headache !

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

---

1 day u'll B srprisd 2C ME beside U. U & ME laughing, U & ME crying, U &

ME dreaming, U & ME holding on, U & ME...

just U & ME sitting in a MENTAL HOSPITAL & ME CHECKING U.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

---

I cannot hide this from u any more. I don't want 2 hurt u and I feel it's

best if I tell u, before you hear it from someone else ............

Potato Prices Have Gone Up !

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

---

Could u fax me ur photo very very urgently ? Mind u - it's really very

very urgent, damn serious and very imp .....

I'm playing cards and we've misplaced the JOKER.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

---

Maine puchha chand se "dekha hai kahin mere yaar sa hasin", chand ne kaha

"saale itni upar se dikhta hai kya".

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

---

If u save this msg, it means I'm cute. If u edit this, I'm still cute. If

u fwd this, u r spreading that i'm cute & if u erase this, u r jealous of me

coz i'm

cute!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

---

Zindagi mein tum bahut aage jaaoge, kyonki jahan bhi tum jaooge, sab

kahenge, chal be chal aage chal.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

---

Dark were those days, without your sight. When I was in darkness, you gave

me light. You gave me strength 2 make life bright. Thank you so much PHILIPS

TUBELIGHT

 

 

 

 

DON'T EVER BE LATE

A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the

twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that

parish. A leading local politician, who was a member

of the congregation, was chosen to make the

presentation and give a little speech at the dinner,

but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided

to say his own few words while they waited.

"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the

confessional, can never be broken. However, I got

my first impressions of the parish from the first

confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely

about this, but when I came here twenty-five years

ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.

The very first chap who entered my confessional told

me how he had stolen a television set, and when

stopped by the police, had almost murdered the

officer.

Further, he told me he had embezzled money from

his place of business and had an affair with his

boss's wife. I was appalled. But as the days went on

I knew that my people were not all like that, and I

had,indeed come to, a fine parish full of

understanding and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician

arrived full of apologies at being late. He

immediately began to make the presentation and

give his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest

arrived in this parish," said the politician. "In

fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go

to him in confession."

Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE

 

 

 

Laloo talks to his son

Laloo : I want you to marry a girl of my choice

Son : "I want to choose my own bride".

Laloo : "But the girl is Ambani' s daughter."

Son : "Well, in that case..."

Next Laloo approaches Ambani

Laloo : "I have a husband for your daughter."

Ambani: "But my daughter is too young to marry."

Laloo : "But this young man is a vice president of the World Bank."

Ambani: "Ah, in that case..."

Finally Laloo goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Laloo : "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice president."

President : "But I already have more vice presidents than I need."

Laloo : "But this young man is Ambani's son-in-law."

President: "Ah, in that case..."

 

 

 

 

 

Nursery Rhymes... NOT!

Mary had a little skirt

With splits right up the sides

And every time that Mary walked

The boys could see her thighs.

Mary had another skirt

It was split right up the front

But she didn't wear that one very often.

(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;

Mary had a little lamb

Her father shot it dead.

Now it goes to school with her,

Between two chunks of bread.

(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,

Her clothes all tattered and torn.

It wasn't the spider that crept beside her,

But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;

Simple Simon met a Pie man, going to the fair.

Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,

What have you got there?

Said the Pieman to Simple Simon

Pies, you dickhead.

(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall

Humpty Dumtpy had a great fall

All the kings horses and all the kings men,

Said " F*** him, he's only an egg.

(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;

Mary had a little lamb

It ran into a pylon

10,000 volts went up its ass

And turned its wool to nylon.

(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.

Kissed the girls and made them cry

When the boys came out to play,

He kissed them too, cause he was gay.

(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;

Jack and Jill went up the hill

to have some hanky panky

silly Jill forgot her pill

and now there's little Frankie.

(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;(-;

Old Mother Hubbard

Went to the cupboard

To fetch the dog a bone.

When she bent over

Rover took over,

And gave her a bone of his own.

 

 

 

The Train Commute

Gentlemen: I have been riding trains daily for the last two

years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse

every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a

14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than

that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.

Yours truly, A Commuter

Dear Sir: We received your letter with

reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are

somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of

transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.

Sincerely, The Railroad

Gentlemen: I am in receipt of your letter, and I

think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you

will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will

find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, gentlemen, is

something I have not been able to do on your train in the last

two years.

Yours truly, A Commuter

 

 

 

 

short funnies...

Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs?

Waiter : Sit down, sir, we serve anyone.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Customer : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?

Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste?

Customer : No, I can't.

Waiter : Then does it really matter?

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.

Waiter : Yes Sir, they are not very good swimmers.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.

Waiter : That's all right, Sir, he won't drink much.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.

Waiter : So what! do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea cup?

Waiter : I wouldn't know, Sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.

Waiter : Funny? But why aren't you laughing?

 

Man : Where are you from?

Woman : U.S.A.

Man : Are you here on vacation?

Woman : No! I'm here for lunch.

Man : What!!! All the way from the United States of America!!!

Woman : No! Upper Serangoon Avenue.

Man : !!@#$%^&*!*#

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A lady went to a restaurant and ordered a bowl of soup.

Lady : Waiter, what is this soup called?

Waiter : It is called special chicken soup.

Lady : But I see no chicken in it!

Waiter : That's why it's so special!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Question : Why did you throw the butter out of the window ?

Answer : I wanted to see a butterfly.

 

 

 

 

 

A wise old farmer called Kanjibhai went to town to buy

a pickup truck that he saw advertised in the paper for a

certain price.

After telling the salesman which truck he wanted, they

sat down to do the paperwork. The salesman handed

Kanjibhai the bill and Kanjibhai declared, "This isn't

the price I saw!"

The salesman went on to tell the wise old Kanjibhai how

he was getting extras such as power brakes, power

windows, special tires etc. and that was what took

the price up. Kanjibhai need the truck badly, paid

the price and went home.

A few months later, the salesman called up Kanjibhai the

farmer and said, "My son is in class 4 and he needs a cow for

a project. Do you have any for sale?"

Kanjibhai said, "Yes, I have a few cows, and I

would sell for $500.00 apiece. Come look at them

and take your pick."

The salesman said he and his son would be right out.

After spending a few hours in the field checking out

all the Kanjibhai's cows, the two decided on one and

the salesman proceeded to write out a check for

$500.00.

Then Kanjibhai said--------"Now, wait a minute, that's

not the final price of the cow. You're getting extras

with it and you have to pay for that too."

"What extras?" asked the salesman.

Below is the list Kanjibhai gave the salesman for

the final price of the cow..........

BASIC COW..............................$500.00

Two tone exterior.......................$45.00

Extra stomach............................$75.00

Product storing equipment.......$60.00

Straw compartment...................$120.00

4 Spigots @$10 ea...................$40.00

Leather upholstery.....................$125.00

Dual horns..................................$45.00

Automatic fly swatter.................$38.00

fertilizer attachment...................$185.00

GRAND TOTAL.......................$1,233.00

 

 

 

 

 

If you feel that task in front of you,is very very difficult like ...... ....say ....."getting an elephant in a car",think twice.It may not be that difficult.In fact, it may be the easiest of the lot.Consider this.

Q. What is more difficult than getting an elephant in a car?

A.Getting 2 elephants in a car!!

Q.What is more difficult than getting 2 elephants in a car?(Don't raise the number.)

A.Getting 2 pregnant elephants in a car!!!

Q.What is more difficult than getting 2 pregnant elephants in a car?( Don't use another adjective for elephant).

A.Getting 2 pregnant elephants on a scooter!!

Q.What is more difficult than getting 2 pregnant elephants on a scooter?( Don't change the vehicle or animal).

A. Getting 2 pregnant elephants on a moving scooter!!!

Q.What is more difficult than getting 2 pregnant elephants on a moving scooter?( Don't use another adjective for scooter).

A.Getting 2 pregnant elephants on a moving scooter,up the hill !!

Q.What is more difficult than getting 2 pregnant elephants on a moving scooter,up the hill?

A.Getting 2 pregnant elephants on a moving scooter,up the hill,in stormy weather!!!

Q.What is more difficult than getting 2 pregnant elephants on a moving scooter,up the hill in stormy weather?( Enough of you, now don't add single word in your previous answer ).

A.Getting 2 elephants pregnant, on a moving scooter,up the hill,in stormy weather !!!!

 

 

 

ABSOLUTELY A MUST READ!! It's hysterical!

Hello All-The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests

and in Sunday school quizzes by children between fifth and 6th grade ages in

Ohio. They were collected over a period of three years by two teachers.

Read carefully for grammar, misplaced modifiers, and of course, spelling!

 

 

Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all

wrote inhydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the

Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened

bread,

which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount

Cyanide

to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but the

commandos made it.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was a

actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds like he

was sort of busy too.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't

have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people

advice

They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is

apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic

decline.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits,

and

threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on tv now.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The

Ides of

March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king.

Dying

he gasped out: "Same to you, Brutus."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for

reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have

problems.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen," As a queen she was a success.

When

she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that

was the end of the fighting for a long while.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented

removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the

circulation of blood.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented

cigarettes and

started smoking.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was

very dangerous to all his men.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was

born

in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money

and

is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and

hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote

Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise

Lost. Since then no one ever found it.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.

Thomas

Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the

Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by

rubbing two

cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot

stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still

dead.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother

died

in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own

hands

. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation

Proclamation.

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got

shot in

his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the

assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined

Booth's career.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large

number

of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept

up in

his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous

composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half

Italian, and half English. He was very large.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he

wrote

loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long walks

in the

forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in

1827 and

later died for this.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and

inventions.

People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine.

The

invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a

hundred men.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It

was

very long people got upset about it and had trials to see if it was

really

true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but without

watches

who knew anyhow? I don't get it.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she

did.

Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find

radios because they were already taken.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the

movies.

Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the familyhad

to have

a job, I guess

 

 

 

 

Tit for Tat :-)

-McGrath's outburst has wife tense

Australian pace bowler Glenn McGrath's temper is hotter than his pace

bowling. His wife Jane is worried about the recent controversy as West

Indian batsman Ramnaresh Sarwan had said something about her during the

heated exchange. Speaking exclusively to the Deccan Chronicle over his

cell phone from Australia, McGrath's manager Warren Craig stated:

"(Glenn) McGrath called up his wife. I don't know what the conversation

was about but obviously they could not have avoided talking on the

recent controversy"

It is surprising the match referee has not taken any action against both

in spite of the heated arguments between the two.

According to sources, the following hot words had been exchanged:

McGrath to Sarwan: "What does Brian Lara's .... taste like?"

Sarwan replied: "I don't know. Ask your wife"

McGrath started walking away before turning back and heading to within a

foot of Sarwan screaming: "If you ever f.... mention my wife again, I'll

f.... rip your f.... throat out."

This is not the first time when McGrath's wife has been abused. She was

also abused by a Zimbabwe player a few months ago. Here is what had

happened:

"Why are you so fat?" - Glenn McGrath to Zimbabwean Eddo Brandes.

"Because every time I #&$!@ your wife, she gives me a biscuit" - Brandes

relpied.

 

 

If draupadi is to marry somebody in this centruy whom would she marry?

amir khan .. because woh panch ke barabar hai

God''s Identity

One day a little boy asks his mom questions about God. He goes up to his mother and asks, "Well, son, he''s a boy and a girl"

Not really know what to say the mother just says, "Well, son, he''s black and white."

So he asks his mother, "Mom, is God black or white?"

Again not really knowing what to say, the mother tells her son, "Well ,son, he''s black and white."

So the little boy looks at his mother as though he finally understands and says, "Ohhhh, I didn''t know that God was Michael Jackson!"

A Brief History Of Medicine

I have an earache.

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.

1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.

1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.

1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.

1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.

2003 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

 

 

 

 

once two men came to a dhaaba. now its a rule whenever any travellers come to a hotel or a dhaaba waiter must first give them water.so one waiter was coming with two glasses of water in his hand and his fingers were inside the galss. seeing this the two travellers were angry and began shouting at him. the anger increased and at last the waiter said bhai sahab app itna nahin bhadko kyunki main jahan se paani laa raha hoon us tanki mein mera manager naha raha hai.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

True Story! Scientists...

 

 

 

 

 

 

Scientists at Roll Royce UK, built a gun specifically to launch

dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, and military jets,

all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the

frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the

strength of the windshields. American engineers heard about the

gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new

high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to

the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the

chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof

shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control

console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded

itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a

bow. The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous

results of the experiment, along with the designs of the

windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

 

 

You're going to love this...... scroll down.....

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo: ...........

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Defrost the chicken."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

TEACHER: Why are you late?

L-JOHNY: Because of the sign.

TEACHER: What sign?

L-JOHNY: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

 

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

TEACHER: Johny, why are you doing your maths sums on

the floor?

L-JOHNY: You told me to do it without using tables!

 

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

TEACHER: Johny, how do you spell "crocodile"?

L-JOHNY: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

L-JOHNY: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I

spell it!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?

L-JOHNY: "HIJKLMNO"!!

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

L-JOHNY: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North

America.

GEORGE: Here it is!

TEACHER: Correct. Now, Johny, who discovered

America?

L-JOHNY: George!

 

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

TEACHER: Johny, name one important thing we have

today that we didn't have ten years ago?

L-JOHNY: Me!

 

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

TEACHER: Johny, why do you always get so dirty?

L-JOHNY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than

you are.

 

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

 

L-JOHNY: Dad, can you write in the dark?

FATHER: I think so. What do you want me To write?

L-JOHNY: Your name on this report card.

 

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

 

TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by

biting insects?

L-JOHNY: Don't bite any.

 

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

 

TEACHER: Johny, give me a sentence starting with

"I".

L-JOHNY: I is...

TEACHER: No, Johny. Always say, "I am."

L-JOHNY: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the

alphabet."

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

 

Teacher: "Can anybody give an example of

COINCIDENCE?"

L-Johnny : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on

the sameday sametime."

 

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

 

Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down

his father's

Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you

know why his father

didn't punish him?"

L-Johnny : "Because George still had the axe in his

hand."

 

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Teacher : What a pair of strange socks you are

wearing, one is green

and one is blue with red spots!

L-Johnny: Yes it's really strange. I've got another

pair of the same at home

 

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

 

Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a

donkey and stopped

him, what virtue would I be showing?

L-Johnny: Brotherly love.

 

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

 

Teacher: Now, Johny, tell me frankly do you say

prayers before eating?

Johnny : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good

cook.

 

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

 

Teacher: Johny, your composition on "My Dog" is

exactly the same as

your brother's. Did u copy his?

-Johnny: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

 

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

 

Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on

talking when people

are no longer interested?

L-Johnny : A teacher

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A leaf in the bible

A little boy opened the big & old family Bible with fascination and

looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out

of the Bible.

He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a

tree that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I

found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in his voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit"

 

 

 

this warning is regarding those cute little pandas,

not those obnoxious persons hanging outside temples.

here's why

there was this panda who walked into a restaurant and

ordered a sandwich. after he had eaten the waiter

presented him with the bill. the panda simply pulled

out a gun and shot at the waiter and started walking

out. "not so fast!" protested the manager "Why the

hell did you shoot him?" "because I'm a Panda and

that's what I'm supposed to do " replied the panda

"wanna check in the encyclopaedia?" the manager dug

out an encyclopaedia and flipped over to the entry on

Panda. sure enough it said "The Panda eats shoots and leaves"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Engg.(The Untold Truth).....

Engineering....the untold truth....

1.. Some Basic definitions..

Engineering College : Place where you're punished for

getting good HSC

marks.

Babe : After two years in Engineering, anything

remotely female qualifies

for that title...esp for mech guys...

Senior : Guy who got ragged as junior and wanna get

some payback...

Fresher : Guy who has to ask where the canteen is...

Really Dumb Fresher : Guy who asks a senior where the

canteen is.

Really Really Dumb fresher : Guy who follows the

senior to the canteen.

Ragging : The unfortunate fate of the previous idiot.

Evasive action : Watch the juniors when any seniors

come nearby. (No one

runs faster than a fresher. NO ONE.)

Lectures : Waste of time..physical presence is a

must...only meant for

sleeping, completing assignemtns & genral TP

Tutions : What you take when you don't waste enough

time....

Professor : Person paid to put students to sleep.

Vernac Prof : Unusual variant of previous individual

who comes packaged with

his own brand of English ("Now you check me our

journal." "You Out get from

class." "Are you Understand, Beta?" )

Practicals : 60 to 90 minutes in which you watch the

girls do your

experiment, and usually destroy a considerable array

of lab equipment.

Hopeless Practical : The practical in which there are

no girls in your group

(simply look blankly at each other, fiddle with the

equipment, and finally

copy the

readings. from the girls of course...).

 

2. The Truth about exams....

Timing...when ur non enginering GF/BF is free to

enjoy while uslog with

submisisons & exams

Irony : The guy who copied your entire paper passes

and you flunk.

Critical Calculation : Summing up the marks you

attempted worth in the

exam...

KT : Makes you suicidal..the WAY of life...

Year Drop : Makes dad homicidal.

Reverification : A cruel joke. (results of which come

after you give the KT

exam).

 

3. An engineer's 10 engg commandments opf Life

1. Thou shalt study only during the preparatory

leave.

2. Thou shalt never write thy assignments thyself.

3. Thou shalt begin writing thy journals only on the

morning of

submission.

4. Thou shalt treat all marks above 40 as bonus.

5. Thou shalt have at least 70 per cent attendance in

the canteen.

6. Thou shalt pass GRACEfully.

7. Thou shalt always be an OUTstanding student.

8. Thou shalt give thy attendance without being

present...PROXY is a MUST

9. If thou can't convince them , confuse them.

10. Thou shalt start every sentence with a four

lettered word.

 

4. The Years of Engineering

F.E. Fond of Engineering

S.E. Sick Of Engineering

T.E. Tired of Engineering

B.E. Balls to Engineering

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Call centre jobs: people wonder why they r paid so much.............for

just

being on the phone. Take a look:

*

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

Customer "Ok."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer "No."

Tech Support:: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this

point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

*

Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting

the same error message."

Tech Support:: "Did you install the update?"

Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

*

Customer:: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."

Tech Support:: "Tell me what you've done."

Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."

Tech Support:: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."

Customer:: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."

Tech Support:: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."

Customer:: "What?"

Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"

Customer: "No..."

*

Customer:: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"

Tech Support:: ?!%#$

*

Tech Support:: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you

see

the 'OK' button displayed?"

Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

*

Tech Support:: "What type of computer do you have?"

Customer:: "A white one."

*

Tech Support:: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."

Customer:: "How do you spell that?"

*

Tech Support: "Is your computer on a separate telephone line?"

Customer: "No." (clicks the button to log on to our service)

Tech Support:: "Well then we can't-"

Customer:: "It says 'no dial tone'."

Tech Support: "That's because you're on the line with me right now. You

need to-"

Customer:: "No, that's not it. It does this all the time. I just have to

try

a few times, and it will let me through."

Tech Support:: "No, ma'am. It's not even trying to dial right now because

you're on the phone with me."

Customer: "It must be busy. I'll try again later."

*

Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"

Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery

store."

*

Tech Support:: "What operating system are you running?"

Customer: "Pentium."

*

Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."

*

Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."

*

Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"

*

Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print

document,

but the computer won't boot properly."

Tech Support: "What does it say?"

Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."

Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"

Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."

*

Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24

hours."

Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"

*

Tech Support:: "What does the screen say now?"

Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."

Tech Support:: "Well?"

Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"

*

A plain computer illeterate guy rings tech support to report that his

computer is faulty.

Tech: What's the problem?

User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.

Tech: You'll need a new power supply.

User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.

Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.

User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup

and

it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.

10

minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech is

frustrated and fed up.

Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there

is

an

undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.

User: I knew it!

Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS.

Let

me know how it goes.

10 minutes later.

User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.

Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?

User: MS-DOS 6.22.

Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with

NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you

the

file. Let me know how it goes.

1 hour later.

User: I need a new power supply.

Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?

User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he

started asking questions about the make of power supply.

Tech: Then what did he say?

User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.

 

 

 

 

Microsoft Trademarks the Trademark Symbol

REDMOND, Wash (UPI) - Software and marketing giant Microsoft

Corporation (MSFT) announced today that it has purchased the rights

to the well-known "trademark" symbol, formerly denoted as "tm" in

most print media.

The symbol is commonly used to identify commercial product names

that have not yet been registered with the U.S. Patent and Trademark

Office.

"It was a natural," commented John Schexnader, of Microsoft's

Ministry of Information. "Several of us were sitting around after a

board meeting a few months ago, and we were talking about what we

should buy next. We were tossing around the idea of purchasing a

country or two in South America, as kind of a follow-up to Sun

Microsystems' trademark-infringement claim against The Island

Formerly Known As Java, when it occurred to us that there are no

countries named 'ActiveX.' We talked about changing the name of

'ActiveX' to 'Chile' or 'Brazil' -- which would also help distance

it from all those recently-uncovered security holes -- when someone

joked that we'd save a lot of time and effort in the long run if we'd

just trademark the trademark symbol."

Schexnader continued, "At first, we all just laughed -- but one look

at Bill's face, and we knew we'd be on the phone with the Patent and

Trademark Office in the morning."

Microsoft hasn't wasted any time enforcing the new trademark.

According Rue B. Goldberg, an attorney with Microsoft's Ministry of

Litigation and Law Enforcement, "Use of the 'tm' symbol will now be

restricted to Microsoft and its subsidiaries, like the Catholic

Church."

But companies wishing to use the '(tm)' symbol will not be left out

in the cold; according to Goldberg, Microsoft has developed a new

symbol, '(tMS)', to replace the now-restricted '(tm)' symbol.

"Anyone will be able to use the new symbol, royalty-free," states

Goldberg, "though Microsoft reserves the right to charge for its use

in the future."

Response to the announcement was varied. Apple Computer CEO Gil

Amelio vowed to take the issue to court, stating, "Apple Computer

developed the technology for the trademark symbol more than ten

years ago," but refused to give any details on the exact nature of

the lawsuit.

Meanwhile, Times-Mirror Publishing, Ziff-Davis, the L.A. Times, the

N.Y. Times, CNN, the Washington Post, Newsweek, and Kathy Lee

Gifford all agreed that it was a landmark move. According to William

Spangler, Electronics and Pet Food Editor for the Boston Globe,

"[Microsoft's] recent acquisition of the trademark symbol will

benefit computer users worldwide. It's a technological breakthrough.

As always, the rest of the computer industry is just struggling to

play catch-up."

So, what does the future hold for Microsoft and its latest

acquisition? Microsoft Ministry of Information spokeswoman Alice

Gilbert says that Microsoft is moving quickly on similar purchases.

"Our next [acquisition] will be the 'service mark' symbol. We

already have the paperwork in place for it." Gilbert stated that the

new symbol would be 'sMS', following the trend set by the new

trademark symbol.

"It's a natural for us," concluded Gilbert. But apparently, the sky

is not the limit at Microsoft. "We'd also looked into acquiring the

rights to the 'registered' trademark symbol, but several

representatives from the Ministry of Technology determined that

doing so would lead to an infinite loop in the trademark registry --

and the only place where we permit infinite loops is in our

software. Our standards are very high here at Microsoft."

But that fact has not deterred the software and marketing giant.

"Instead, we're looking into purchasing the entire Patent and

Trademark Office," stated Schexnader.

No one at the Patent and Trademark Office could be reached for

comment Tuesday.

 

 

 

 

 

Any hurt caused to the childhood sentiments of anybody is

purely......UNINTENTIONAL !!!

Jack and Jill Went up the hill,

And planned to do some kissing.

Jack made a pass and grabbed her ass,

And now two of his front teeth are missing.

Jack and Jill Went up the hill,

Each one had a quarter.

Jill came down with fifty cents,

Do you think they went for water?

Jack and Jill went up the hill,

For just an itty bitty.

Jill is now two months overdue,

And Jack has left the city.

Jack and Jill went up the hill,

To fetch a pail of water.

Jill forgot to take the pill,

So now they've got a daughter.

Jack and Jill went up the hill,

With a little peg of brandy.

Jack got stewed, Jill got screwed,

Now it's Jack and Jill, and Sandy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A police officer pulled up a lady for rash driving..........

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want

to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and

calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the woman and a

senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: The officer told me that you stole this car and murdered

the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please. The

woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite

stunned.

Officer 2: The officer claims that you do not have a driver's

license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and

hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse

and examines the license.

He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: I must admit, ma'am, that I'm confused; the officer told

me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you

murdered the owner.

Woman: I suppose the officer told you I was speeding, too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Life is pleasant.

Death is peaceful.

It's the transition that's troublesome."

Arguing with your Boss is like

wrestling with a pig in mud.

After a while you realize that

while you are getting dirty,

the pig is actually enjoying it.

 

 

Help a man when he is in trouble and

he will remember you

when he is in trouble again.

 

 

Complex problems have simple,

easy to understand wrong answers.

 

 

It is not exactly cheating,

I prefer to consider it

creative problem solving.

 

 

Behind every successful woman,

is a man who is surprised.

 

 

Whoever said money can't buy happiness,

didn't know where to shop.

 

 

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems,

but then again, neither does milk.

 

 

Most people are only alive because

it is illegal to shoot them.

 

 

I'm not a complete idiot,

there're still some parts missing!

 

 

Forgive your enemies but

remember their names

 

 

The number of people watching you

is directly proportional to the

stupidity of your action.

 

 

I remember the time I was kidnapped and

they sent a piece of my finger

to my father.

- He said he wanted more proof.

 

Some pain is physical

and some is mental,

but one that's both is

dental.

 

 

 

 

 

Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the

truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than

the British or Americans.

2. The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than

the British or Americans.

3. The Spanish drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks

than the British or Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer

heart attacks than the British or Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and

suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills

you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Economic Times is read by the people who own the country.

The Times of India is read by people who run the country.

The Statesman is read by the people who think they run the country.

The Hindu is read by the people who think they ought to run the country.

The Indian Express is read by people who think the country ought to be run

by another country.

The Telegraph is read by people who do not know who runs the country but are

sure they are doing it wrong.

Mid-Day is read by the wives of the people who run the country.

The Tribune is read by the people who think the country ought to be run as

it used to be run.

The Hindustan Times is read by the people who still think it is their

country.

The Asian Age is read by the people who would rather be in another country.

This Email is read by the people who know India is the Best regardless of who runs the country.

 

 

 

 

1. Saddam Hussain visits God and asks him: " God when shall I see the defeat of Bill Clinton. " God replies:" Son, you will not see it in your lifetime. "Hearing this, Saddam Hussain starts crying and goes away.Gen Parvez Musharaff visits God and asks him: " God when shall I see the capture of Kashmir by Pakistan." God replies: " Son, you will not see it in yourlifetime." Hearing this, Gen Parvez Musharaff starts crying and goes away.Laaloo Yadav visits God and asks him:" God when shall I see Bihar becoming a prosperous and happy state. " Hearing this, God starts crying. Laaloo is astounded and asks: " God, why are you crying ? " God replies: " Son, I will not see it in my lifetime"

2. What do they call French Toilet in Bihar ?

La loo.

3.Once Laloo was coming out of Airport. As there was huge rush the security guard told Laloo "WAIT PLEASE" for which Laloo replied "85Kgs" and moved

on...

4. Laloos family planning policy. "DONT HAVE MORE THAN TWO CHILDREN IN ONE YEAR".

5. At a bar in New York, the man to Laloo's left tells the bartender, "JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE." And the man's companion says, "JACK DANIELS,SINGLE." The bartender approaches Laloo and asks, "AND YOU, SIR?" Laloo replies: "LALOO YADAV, MARRIED."

6. A reporter asked Laloo "What is the main reason for divorce? Laloo replies "Marriage".

7. After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for quite Sometime, Laloo proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend. "It took me only 5 months to do it," Laloo brags. "Five months? That's too long." the friend exclaims. "You are a fool," Laloo replies. "Read the box, It says 5-7 years

 

 

 

 

which mouse has 2 legs?

..

.

.

.

.

.

micky mouse

now which duck has 2 legs

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

..

..

.

.

.

.

.

well all ducks have 2 legs hahahahaha

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

20 ways to keep ur insanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and

point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

 

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

 

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want

fries with that.

 

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in"

 

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has

Gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

 

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual

favors".

 

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the

prophecy."

 

8. Dont use any punctuation marks

 

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

 

10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they

answer.

 

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

 

12. Sing along at the opera.

 

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

 

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of

jungle sounds all day.

 

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their

party because you're not in the mood.

 

16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock

Hard Kim.

 

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!"

"3rd time this week!!!!!"

 

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot,

yelling run for your lives, they're loose!!"

 

19. Tell your children over dinner. "due to the economy, we are

going to have to let one of you go."

 

And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity.......

20. Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if

they sent it to you or asked you not to send them stuff like this.

 

 

 

 

 

Money in the Bank

 

The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and

demanded $20 for their first lovemaking encounter.In his highly aroused

state,

he readily agreed.This scenario was repeated each time they made love for

the

next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes,

etc.Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very

drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of

financial

ruin caused by corporate down sizing and it's effects on a 50 year old

executive.

Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12

years

totaling nearly $1 million dollars.Pointing across the parking lot she

gestured toward

the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million

dollars

and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank. She told

him that

for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the

result

of her investments.By now he was distraught and beating his head against

the side

of the car.She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he

replied,

"If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my

business!"

 

 

Husband for Sale:

 

A Husband Shopping Center has opened where a woman can go to

choose

from among many men to be her husband. It is laid out in

five floors,

with

the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up

the

floors.

 

There is, however, a catch. Once you open the door to any

floor, you

must choose a man from that floor, and if you go up a floor,

you

can't go

back down except to exit the building.

 

So, a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door says Floor 1: These

men have

jobs and love kids.

 

"Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving

kids, but I

wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

 

The second floor sign says Floor 2: These men have high

paying jobs,

love kids, and are very good looking.

"Hmmm, better." say the woman. "But, I wonder what's further

up?"

 

The third floor sign reads Floor 3: These men have very high

paying

jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids, keep all the

cars

running, and

help with the housework.

 

"Wow," says the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there's more

further up!"

And so again, she goes up.

 

On the fourth floor the sign reads Floor 4: These men have

extremely

high

paying jobs,

love kids, are extremely good looking, help with all the

housework,

cook

all the meals,

purchase new cars, take care of the pets, and have a strong

romantic

streak.

"Oh, mercy me. But just think . . . what must be awaiting me

further

on?

 

So up to the fifth floor she goes.

 

The sign on that door says Floor 5: This floor is just to

prove that

women are impossible to please.

 

Thank you for shopping and have a nice day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Don't Try to Argue with Children..........

1) A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher

said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human

because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very

small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a

human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to Heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

2) A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while

they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked

what the drawing was?

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl

replied, "They will in a minute."

3) A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments

with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to

"honor" thy Father and thy Mother," she asked, "is there a commandment

that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without hesitating one little boy (the oldest in his family) answered,

"Thou shall not kill."

4) One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the

dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had

several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette

head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your

hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and

make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then

said,

"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

5) The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying

to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up

and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a

doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the

teacher. She's dead."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

OBLU Scholarships

 

 

 

Commitment.Community.Jihad!

 

 

Osama bin Laden University seeks to instill the

fundamentals of terrorism in its students. Whether you

want the glorious martyrdom of killing hundreds of

infidels in an embassy bombing, or the more personal

satisfaction of hunting down a blasphemous author in a

mullah-sanctioned fatwa, OBLU can get you where you

want go!

If you can answer yes to even than half of the

following, a career in terror may be for you!

Yes!

I want to make a difference!

I can handle a challenge!

I can drive a truck!

I want to wipe that smirk off George Bush's face!

I enjoy waving guns around and firing them into the

sky randomly at large rallies!

I look good in a vest filled with explosives!

I want a job that's to die for!

 

 

ABOUT US

 

 

CAMPUS

 

 

Located in the magnificently rugged mountains of

Afghanistan, OBLU's campus ranks as one of the most

beautiful educational settings in the world. Miles of

running trails wend their way through the snowy

passes. And keeping a sharp eye out for land mines

keeps fitness buffs strong in both body and mind!

 

 

 

 

CURRICULUM

 

 

 

 

 

Long a source of pride for students, the OBLU honor

code is strictly enforced

 

 

All our students start off with a solid basis in the

core areas of modern terrorism. By the end of freshman

year, you will know how to: lob stones effectively,

burn flags without burning yourself, chant angry

slogans for hours thanks to foot-friendly arch

inserts, and much, much more!

 

 

By your junior year, you will have declared a major.

You might learn to operate class "c" vehicles such as

cars and light trucks. Or you could decide to master

the art of docking with American Destroyers on an

inflatable boat. If you're an advanced student, you

might even get to study at the post-graduate level,

trying to harvest the Ebola virus from bloody, dying

monkeys with your bare hands!

 

 

FACULTY

 

 

 

 

 

Dean Professor Emeritus Osama bin Laden

 

 

Dean of School Osama bin Laden is the most universally

recognized figure in world terror today. He has

successfully brought down the Soviet Empire due to his

acclaimed feats in Afghanistan, and now is continuing

his work against the great Satan, America. With a $25

million dollar bounty on his head, Professor Emeritus

bin Laden must be doing something right!

 

TRAVEL OPPORTUNITIES & RECOGNITION

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Recent graduate work in New York received worldwide

attention

 

 

Recent graduates have gone to such exotic locales as

Kashmir, Chechnya, Tel Aviv and even New York City!

What better way to see the world than on a holy

mission to destroy it?

 

 

 

"I used to just sit around and hate Americans. Now, I

get the great personal satisfaction of doing something

about it."

Junior, Majoring in Car Bombing

 

 

"I like the idea of going straight to paradise and all

I have to do is get gunned down while killing

Americans. Do the math. It's a no-brainer!"

Senior, Weapons Major

 

 

"I used to think making the streets run red with blood

was just hyperbole. Now, I know that with a whole lot

of elbow grease, and just a little bit of emtex in a

truck, it can definitely be done!"

Junior, Chemistry Major

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

SOCIAL LIFE

 

 

 

 

Of course, OBLU is not just a "terror factory." From

volleyball to tetherball, students enjoy a variety of

social and enrichment events outside of their daily

Jihad duties. Many of the friendships made at school

are strong enough to last for all eternity in the hall

of martyrs!

 

 

OBLU students also enjoy these perks:

Graduates receive no-money down loan for all truck or

boat purchases

50% discount on all weapons purchases made at the

student store

Free parking

 

Apply today for Osama bin Laden University.

Still unsure? Take our OBLU-sanctioned extension

course, "the How-To's of International Terrorism,"

offered at a Learning Annex near you.

 

 

Contact our SAARC region representative for more

details and admission information:

Gen. Pervez Musharraf

ISLAMABAD

PAKISTAN

Tel: 1800 – TERRORISM

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump & spill your drink.

God didn't call 'em the Ten Suggestions.

Join the army! Travel to exotic, distant lands. Meet exciting, unusual

people and kill them.

If at first you don't succeed , Sky diving is not for you.

God is real, unless declared integer

Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.

Death is hereditary.

There are three sides to every argument: your side,my side and the right

side.

An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound

confusing.

Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them when nobody is looking.

They say hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train.

Where there's a will there are five hundred relatives.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

These are my principles. If you don't like them , I have others.

 

 

 

A true, touching love story that happened in

NWFP(border) areas.

 

The headman of a big tribe had a beautiful daughter, who fell in love with

a boy who was an ordinary poor person. When the people of the tribe came to know about their love, they did not like it at all, and so began to protest about it. Now it happened that the two lovers left their homes for a happy future. The people of the tribe started searching for the two lovers but they could not find them.

At last, they accepted their love and asked them in a newspaper to come

back. The people said that if u both come back we will marry u, we accept that

u loved each other truly. So in this way their love won and the age old attitide ofthe tribe took a beating. The couple went to the city for shopping for the wedding . He was wearing a white traditional dress, and was

crossing the road when a car came and hit him and he died on the spot.

The girl lost her senses. After a long time she recovered and accepted that her love has died. One night she was sleeping in her home with

her family. Her mother had dream in which she saw a fairy. That fairy asked her mother to wash the blood spots of the guy from her daughter's clothes

as soon as possible. But her mother ignored the dream.Next night the father saw the same dream, he also ignored it. Then when the girl had the same

dream the next night, she woke up and told her mother about the dream. Her

mother asked her to wash the clothes on which there were blood spots. She

washed the spots but some remained. Next night she again had the same dream

she again washed the spots but some still remained .Next night she again had the same dream and this time that fairy gave her last warning to wash the

blood spots, else something terrible will

happen. This time the girl tried her best to wash the spots, the clothes tore, but some spots still remained. In the evening on same day when she was alone,

someone knocked the door, when she opened the door she saw the

fairy at the door. She got very scared and fainted. The fairy woke her

up...,

and gave her an object,

That awe-struck girl asked "what is this..?

to which the fairy replied :

......."kaise bhi daag ho, jaise bhi daag

ho..... ...Surf Excel hai

na..."

I know what u are feeling now... But don't

look

for me... I'm searching

for the person who wrote this mail... :-)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Once Laloo Prasad of Bihar, sent his bio data to America to apply for a

post in Microsoft Corporation.

 

A few days later he got this reply :

 

"Dear Mr. Laloo prasad, You do not meet our requirements. Please do

not

send any further correspondence. No phone call shall be entertained.

Thanks"

 

Laloo prasad jumped with joy on receiving this reply. He arranged a

party and when all the guests had come, he said "Bhaiyon aur Behno,aap

ko

jaan kar khushi hogee ki hum amereeca mein naukri mil gayee hoon."

 

Everyone was delighted. Laloo prasad continued......

 

"Ab main aap sab ko apnaa appointment letter padkar sunaongaa par

letter

angreeze main hai isliyen saath-saath hindi main translate bhee

karoonga.

 

Dear Mr. Laloo prasad-----pyare Laloo prasad bhaiyya

You do not meet----aap to miltay hee naheen ho

our requirement----humko to zaroorat hai

Please do not send any furthur correspondance----ab Letter vetter

bhej ne ka kaouno zaroorat nahee.

No phone call ----phoonwa ka bhee zaroorat nahee hai

shall be entertained----bahut khaatir kee jayegi.

Thanks----aapkaa bahut bahut dhanyavad.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sardar died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter

told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on

earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer

two questions:

1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".

2. How many seconds are there in a year?

The Sardar thought for a few minutes and answered...

1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.

2. There are 12 seconds in a year.

Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow, even though it's

not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct. But how did you get

only 12 seconds in a year?"

The Sardar replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc...."

 

Saint Peter lets him in without another word

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here are some classic questions that were asked of the Australian

Tourist Commission via their Web site.

1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain

on TV,so how do the plants grow? (UK)

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching

them die!!

2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking

3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad

tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water....

4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)

A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places

to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)

A: Let's not touch this one.

6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send

me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay?(UK)

A: WHAT DID YOUR LAST SLAVE DIE OF?

7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in

Australia?(USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-

tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does

not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in

Kings Cross. Come naked.

8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here

and we'll send the rest of the directions..

9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which

is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday

night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)

A: No, WE don't stink.

12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of

youth.Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

13.. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?

14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female

Population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.

16. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)

A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them..

17. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all

year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk

is illegal.

18. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can

dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All

Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and

make good pets.

19. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I

forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out

of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.

You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before

you go out walking.

 

21. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the

girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

22. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A:Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

 

 

 

 

 

Physics 101

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour:

Knot-furlong

365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less

filling: 1 lite year

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling

Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon

1000 aches: 1 megahurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower

2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds

10 cards: 1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton

1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen

1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche

1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin

10 rations: 1 decoration

8 nickels: 2 paradigms

2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale

University Hospital: 1 I.V. League

 

 

 

PRESIDENT GEORGE BUSH RECEIVED A CODED MESSAGE FROM SADDAM HUSSEIN

"37OHSSV O773H".

HE SENT IT TO FBI, THEY COULD NOT GET IT , SO THEY SENT IT TO CIA, WHO IN TURN SENT IT TO BILL CLINTON. BILL CLINTON TOLD BUSH JR TO SEND IT TO BUSH SR COZ HE MIGHT UNDERSTAND HIS CODED MSG.

BUSH SR TOLD TO BUSH JR TO READ IT UPSIDE DOWN...

 

 

CNN/Reuters:

News reports have filtered out early this morning that US forces have

swooped on an Iraqi Primary School and detained 6th Grade teacher

Mohammed Al-Hazar.

Sources indicate that, when arrested, Al-Hazar was

in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a

calculator.

US President George W Bush argued that this was clear and

overwhelming evidence that Iraq indeed possessed weapons of maths

instruction.

 

 

 

ENJOY THIS ONE :

The Problem with Gals ( Before and after Marriage ) :

B : When u dressed up smartly for a date, she was obliged and said u looked

smart;

A : When u dress up smartly now, she says you are seeing someone else.

B : When u put your arms around her, she returned it with her arm over our

shoulder.

A : When u put our arm around her, she says she is busy.

B : She desperately wanted to share her problem with you

A : She desperately wants you to stay away from her problem

B : She cried to blackmail

A : She still cries to...........

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from

the male side. These are our rules! Please note

these are all numbered as per priority

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can

find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.

Let it be.

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short

hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting

married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're

stuck with her.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that

way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not

work! Strong hints do not work!Obvious hints do

not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar.

Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what

we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact,

all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to

act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to

answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways

makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.Not

both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during

commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions. Neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we

were going out. Get over it. And quit whining

to your girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for

example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a

fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading

ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's

wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you

don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.

Really.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some

war flick where it doesn't really matter what the hell

they're saying anyway.)

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. I am in shape. ROUND is a Shape.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

check this site...its kewl!!!!

http://lollygagger.org/artists/manfish/GeorgieW.swf

 

 

 

Costello: Hey, Abbott!

Abbott: Yes, Lou? Costello: I just got my first computer.

Abbott: That's great, Lou. What did you get?

Costello: A Pentium II-266, with 64 Megs of RAM, a 6.4 Gig hard drive, and a 24X CD-ROM.

Abbott: That's terrific, Lou.

Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!

Abbott: You will in time.

Costello: That's exactly why I call you on phone. I heard that you're a real computer expert.

Abbott: Well, I don't know . . .

Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me.

Abbott: Really?

Costello: Uh huh. And I am ready for my first lesson.

Abbott: O.K. Lou. What do want to know?

Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off.

Abbott: That's true.

Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do?

Abbott: Well, first you press the Start button, and then . . .

Costello: No, I told you I want to turn it off.

Abbott: I know, you press the Start button . . .

Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do.

Abbott: I did.

Costello: When?

Abbott: When I told you to press the Start button.

Costello: Why should I press the Start button?

Abbott: To shut off the computer.

Costello: I press Start to stop?

Abbott: Well, Start doesn't actually stop the computer.

Costello: I knew it! So what do I press?

Abbott: Start.

Costello: Start what?

Abbott: Start button.

Costello: Start button to do what?

Abbott: Shut down.

Costello: You don't have to get rude!

Abbott: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.

Costello: Then say what you mean.

Abbott: To shut down the computer, press . . .

Costello: Don't say, "Start!"

Abbott: Then what do you want me to say?

Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.

Abbott: But that's what you do.

Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.

Abbott: Don't be ridiculous.

Costello: I'm being ridiculous? Well, I think it's about time we ended this conversation.

Abbott: What are you talking about?

Costello: I am ending this conversation right now. Good-bye.

 

 

Jeppiar's speech:

the chairman of the famous JEPPIAAR group of

engineering colleges talks to his students.

Jeppiar?....satyabama engg college CEO!

 

 

# About his family :

----------------

* I have two daughters. Both of them are girls...(?)

 

# At the ground :

-------------

* All of you, stand in a straight circle.

* There is no wind in the balloon.

# To a boy, angrily :

-----------------

* I talk, he talk, why you middle middle talk ?

# Giving a punishment :

-------------------

* You, rotate the ground four times...

* You, go and under-stand the tree...

* You three of you, stand together separately.

* Why are you late - say YES or NO ....(?)

# Sir at his best :

---------------

Sir had once gone to a film with his wife.

By chance, he happened to see one of our boys at

the theatre, though the boy did not see them. So the

next day at school... ( to that boy ) - "

Yesterday

I saw you WITH MY WIFE at the Cinema Theatre"

Inside the Class :

----------------

* Open the doors of the window. Let the atmosphere

come in.

* Open the doors of the window. Let the Air Force

come in.

* Cut an apple into two halves - take the bigger

half.

* Shhh...Quiet, boys...the principal just passed

away in the corridor

* You, meet me behind the class. (meaning AFTER

the class .. )

* Both of u three, get out of the class.

* Close the doors of the windows please. I have

winter in my nose today ...

* Take Copper Wire of any metal especially

of Silver.....

* Take 5 cm wire of any length....

 

 

 

 

TEACHER: Why are you late?

WEBSTER: Because of the sign.

TEACHER: What sign?

WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your maths sums on the floor?

CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile"?

JOHN: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?

SARAH: "HIJKLMNO"!!

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.

GEORGE: Here it is!

TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?

CLASS: George!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have

ten years ago.

WILLY: Me!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?

TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

SILVIA: Dad, can you sign in the dark?

FATHER: Yes, I think so. What do you want me to sign?

SYLVIA: On this report card.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?

JOSE: Don't bite any.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".

ELLEN: I is...

TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."

ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Teacher: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"

Johnny : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the sameday sametime."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree,

but also admitted doing it.

Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"

Johnny : "Because George still had the axe in his hand."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Son : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?

Father : No. Why do you ask that?

Son : Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Teacher : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and

one is blue with red spots!

Kirk : Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same at home.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

At a church school gathering, one little old lady approached a cute

5-year-old girl and

asked her where she got her good looks.

"I musta got 'em from my Daddy," said the little girl, 'cause Mommy's still

got hers."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him,

what virtue would I be showing?

Student: Brotherly love.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?

Sam : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Teacher: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your

brother's.

Did u copy his?

Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no

longer interested?

Pupil : A teacher.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field"

Student : A cow and a bull are grazing in the field

Teacher : How ?

Student : Ladies first

 

 

Why DOGS are better than WIVES....

 

1. The later you are, the more excited they are to see

you.

2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's

name.

5. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

6. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the

floor.

7. A dog's parents never visit.

8. Dogs do not hate their bodies.

9. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get

your point across.

10. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than

in your wallet or desk.

11. Dogs seldom outlive you.

12. Dogs can't talk.

13. Dogs enjoy petting in public.

14. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to

go 24-hours a day.

15. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

16. Dogs like to go hunting.

17. Another man will seldom steal your dog.

18. If you bring another dog home, your dog will

happily play with both of you.

19. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I

died would you get another dog?"

20. If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in

your hotel room for free.

21. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the

paper and give them away.

22. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it

without calling you a pervert.

23. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.

24. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get

mad, they just think it's interesting.

25. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running

the heater.

26. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their

lives.

27. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to

sleep.

28. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

29. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or

Neiman-Marcus.

30. If a dog leaves, it won't take half your stuff.

 

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but

couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "do

these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "no ma'am, they're

dead".

***********************************

The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding,

rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "yeah, well I got here as fast as I could". When the cop

finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

***********************************

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads

"low bridge ahead". Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and

he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a

police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the

truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "got stuck huh?". The

truck driver says, "no I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

 

 

Kanjibhai and Rupaben receive an invitation in the mail. Since it was many

years since they were invited anywhere, they read it with glee, very

excited that they were asked to attend a wedding.

All was fine until they reached the last line. Confused, Kanjibhai asks

Rupaben , "Vat does this "RSVP" mean?"

Rupaben was at a loss, as for the life of her, she simply couldn't

remember. Finally, Rupaben cries out, "Vait! I remember! I remember! RSVP!!

It means "Remember, Send Vedding Present!"

 

 

 

 

 

Q. What did the lonely banana say?

A. I'm a "kela".

 

Q. What language do carrots speak?

A. Gajar-ati.

 

Q. What did the green peas say?

A. Nothing. They just "mutter"ed.

 

Q.What did the potato say when it answered the phone ?

A. "Aaloo?"

 

Q. Where do cauliflowers hang out?

A. In the Gobi desert.

 

Q. What are call-boxes for ghosts called?

A. B(h)ooths

 

Q. What kind of sweaters do grapes wear?

A. Angoora

 

Q. What is a vegetables favourite love song?

A. Love me tinda.

 

Q. What did the flower say to its girl-friend?

A. Why do phools fall in love?

 

Q. What did the fat car say?

A. I'm a mota car.

 

Q. What did the confused egg say?

A. I don't unda-stand.

 

Q. Where do earrings go on holiday?

A. Bali.

 

Q. What do shrimps sing on Christmas?

A. Jhinga Bells.

 

Q. What did the half eaten naan say?

A. I wish I was puri.

 

Q. What did the lonely potato sing?

A. " Aaloo lonesome tonight?"

 

Q. What do you call a bald poet?

A. Ik-bal.

 

Q. What did the first pizza slice say the other pizza slice so it would

move?

A. Pizza - "HUT"!!

 

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

STATE of BIHAR DRIVING LICENSE APPLIKASON PHARM

************************************************************

NOTE: If you dont know the answers, please copy from another applikason

phorom and submit. For further instructions, see bottom applikason. Please

do not shoot the person at the applikason kounter. He will give you the

lisence immediately.

Last name:

(_) Yadav

(_) Sinha

(_) Pandey

(_) Mishra

(_) do not know

First name:

(_) Ramprasad

(_) Lakhan

(_) Sivaprasad

(_) Jamnaprasad

(_) Dont know

(Check appropriate box)

Age:

(_) Less than zero

(_) Zero

(_) Greater than zero

(_) Don't know

Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ not sure _____ not applicable

Chappal Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:

(_) Politician

(_) Doodhwala

(_) Pehelwaan

(_) House wife

(_) Un-employed

Number of children living in household: ___

Number that are yours: ___

Mothers Name: _______________________

Fathers Name: _______________________

(If not sure, leave blank)

Ejjucason: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you bathe? (_) Yes (_) No(_) Not applicable

If yes, how often do you bathe?

(_) Weekly

(_) Monthly

(_) Yearly

Color of teeth:

(_) Yellow

(_) Brownish-Yellow

(_) Brown

(_) Black

(_) Others - Give exact color (call nearest Asian Paints dealer if U dont

know the color of your teeth)

How far is your home from a paved road?

(_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)dont know

____________________

Your thumb imparesson

* If you are copying from another applikason pharom, please do not copy

thumb impression also. Please provide

your own thumb impression. PLEASE DO NOT USE FINGERS OF YOUR LEGS. Use

thumb on your left hand only. If you dont have left hand, use your thumb on

right hand. If you do not have right hand, use thumb on left hand.

NOTE : IF YOU DONT HAVE BOTH HANDS, YOU CANNOT DRIVE

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here are some conversations, which had actually happened between

help desk people and their customers:

-----------------------------------------------

Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a

document, but the computer won't boot properly."

Tech Support: "What does it say?"

Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."

Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"

Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."

-----------------------------------------------

Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."

Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"

-----------------------------------------------

Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."

Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."

-----------------------------------------------

Customer: "Excuse me can I use this disk? It has a hole in it."

-----------------------------------------------

Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"

Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."

-----------------------------------------------

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

Customer: "Ok."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this

point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

-----------------------------------------------

Customer: "Now what do I do?"

Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"

Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'"

Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name."

Customer: "How do you spell that?"

-----------------------------------------------

Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still

getting the same error message."

Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"

Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

-----------------------------------------------

Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."

Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."

Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."

Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."

Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."

Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."

Customer: "What?"

Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"

Customer: "No..."

-----------------------------------------------

Customer: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"

Tech Support: ?*@#$ &^%#)*&?

-----------------------------------------------

Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can

you see the 'OK' button displayed?"

Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

-----------------------------------------------

Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?"

Customer: "A white one."

-----------------------------------------------

Customer: "I'm going to be using Windows NT.

Should I get the

Server

or Workstation version?"

Tech Support: "Well, are you using it as a

workstation or as a

server?"

Customer: "A server. So, which one do I get?"

Tech Support: "The server version perhaps?"

Customer: "Which one is that?"

Tech Support: "Windows NT Server."

Customer: "Ok, thanks."

-----------------------------------------------

Tech Support: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."

Customer: "How do you spell that?"

-----------------------------------------------

Tech Support: "Is your computer on a separate telephone line?"

Customer: "No." (clicks the button to log on to our service)

Tech Support: "Well then we can't--"

Customer: "It says 'no dial tone'."

Tech Support: "That's because you're on the line with me right now. You

need to--"

Customer: "No, that's not it. It does this all the time. I just have

to try a few times, and it will let me through."

Tech Support: "No, ma'am. It's not even trying to dial right now

because you're on the phone with me."

Customer: "It must be busy. I'll try again later."

-----------------------------------------------

Customer: "I can't log in to my account."

Tech Support: "Ok, let's look at your configuration."

Customer: "Ok...but I know that my User ID is case sensitive."

Tech Support: "Yes it is. Ok, what does it say in the 'User ID' field?"

Customer: "Like I said, 'Case Sensitive'."

-----------------------------------------------

Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"

Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."

-----------------------------------------------

Tech Support: "What operating system are you running?"

Customer: "Pentium."

-----------------------------------------------

Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."

-----------------------------------------------

Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."

-----------------------------------------------

Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"

-----------------------------------------------

Customer: "I don't need any of that SQL stuff, I just want a database!"

-----------------------------------------------

Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"

Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."

Tech Support: "Well?"

Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"

-----------------------------------------------

Customer: "I have a long distance modem."

-----------------------------------------------

Customer: "I don't have a space bar.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Once it so happend in a flight that, James bond was sitting

besides a Telugu guy from India. Both were travelling to the

United States. Smart Telugu guy initiates a conversation.

Telugu Guy: "Hello, May I know your good name please?"

James Bond: "I am Bond.. James Bond."

James Bond: "and you?"

Telugu Guy: "I am Sai...

Venkata Sai...

Siva Venkata Sai...

Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai...

Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai...

Rajasekhara Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai...

Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva Venkata Sai...

Bommiraju Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Srinivasula Laxminarayana Siva

Venkata Sai.."

James Bond FAINTS!!!

 

 

 

The story begins when Ram, Sita & Lakshman went for thier Vanwaas....

During the time of Vanwaas, the trio was living close to the river

Ganga...

Being a dutiful devar, Lakshman made a "ganga kinaare ka ghaat" for

Sita to

take a bath....

One find day, Sita goes for her bath... and to her utter surprise she

finds

someone else bathing at the ghat...

As soon as she saw this, she called out to Lakshman... and Lakshman

immediately came to investigate....

Together they went to the ghat & discovered Bruce Lee enjoying a nice

bath

in Sita's ghat.....

Since they could not figure out what to do with Bruce Lee, both went

to

lodge a complaint with Ram....

The question is, What did Lakshman say to Ram.......

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Scroll down for the answer...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ram Teri Ganga Mein Lee

 

 

 

 

Some of these are good. :-)

Q: What is the height of optimism?

A: Ganguly coming out to bat applying sunscreen on his face.

Q: What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?

A: The entire Indian innings.

Q: How to increase the chances of Indian batsmen playing out the entire 50 overs?

A: Try giving them two innings to begin with, then try three and so on.

Q: What would Mark Waugh be if he were an Indian batsman?

B: In form.

Q: How should John Wright reshuffle the Indian batting order?

A: Move Extras up the order

Q: Why are the Indian players demanding increased payments for test matches?

A: Someone told them that some test matches can go into the fourth day.

Q: What would Glen McGrath be if! we was an Indian?

A: A genuine all rounder

Q: What is the Indian version of a hat-trick?

A: 3 runs in 3 balls

Q: When would Ganguly have 100 runs against his name?

A: When he is bowling

Q: Who has the easiest job in the Indian team?

A: The guy who removes red ball marks from the bat

Q: When will India declare the next national holiday?

A: If India beats Namibia in the World Cup

Q: What skill is required to officiate in matches figuring India?

A: The umpire should be able to raise his hands 10 times in 5 minutes.

Q: What is to be done to ensure that one-day matches figuring India lasts at least one full session?

A: The opponent team should bat first

Q: How is the Indian scorecard written?

A: In the ascending order (opening batsman lowest, extras highest)

Q: What would have happened if there was an 8th ODI?

A: Tendulkar would have scored one more run and crossed his highest score in the series.

Q: When do you feel that listening to Sidhu's commentary less painful?

A: When watching India's batting

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

 

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

 

Woman: Oh, I see.

 

Officer: Can I see your license please?

 

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

 

Officer: Don't have one?

 

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

 

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers

 

please.

 

Woman: I can't do that.

 

Officer: Why not?

 

Woman: I stole this car.

 

Officer: Stole it?

 

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

 

Officer: You what?

 

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you

 

want to see.

 

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his

 

car and calls.

 

for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A

 

senior officer

 

slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

 

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

 

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

 

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

 

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen

 

this car and

 

murdered the owner.

 

Woman: Murdered the owner?

 

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,

 

please.

 

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty

 

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

 

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

 

The officer is quite stunned.

 

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a

 

driving license.

 

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse

 

and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the

clutch purse

and

 

examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

 

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you

 

didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you

murdered

and

 

hacked up the owner

 

Woman: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding,

 

too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Right and wrong

A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument,

both of them

unwilling to admit they might be in error.

"I'll admit I'm wrong," the wife told her husband in a

conciliatory attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right."

He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go

first.

"I'm wrong," she said.

With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, "You're

right!"

******************************************************

Long talk

A man is giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He gets

a bit

carried away and talks for two hours.

Finally, he realizes what he is doing and says,

"I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home."

A voice from the back of the room chirps,

"There's a calendar behind you."

******************************************************

vote and support

A candidate for city council was doing some

door-to-door campaigning, and things were going pretty

well, he thought, till he came to the house of a

grouchy-looking fellow. After the candidate’s little

speech, the fellow said, “Vote for you? Why I’d rather

vote for the Devil!”

“I understand,” said the candidate, “but in case your

friend is not running, may I count on your support?”

*******************************************************

Knock to heaven

There is a knock on St. Peter's door. He looks out

and a man is

standing there. St. Peter is about to begin his

interview when the

man disappears. A short time later there's another

knock. St.

Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to

speak, and the

man disappears once again.

"Hey, are you playing games with me?" St. Peter calls

after him.

"No," the man's distant voice replies anxiously.

"They're trying to

resuscitate me."

******************************************************

ABSENT-MINDED PILOT......

A Filipino pilot who became well known for his

absent-mindedness was invited to pilot a new flying

boat.

The pilot had a good time flying. After spending a

couple

of hours in the air, the pilot decided that it was

time to

land. He was about to make a landing on the ground

when his

assistant reminded that they were supposed to land on

the

sea.

"Yes, I know. I was just testing you," answered the

pilot.

"I am not that absent-minded." So the flying boat made

a

safe landing on the water. Having accomplished this,

the

pilot, being proud for not committing a big mistake,

opened

the door and stepped into the sea.

*****************************************************

Contempt

A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first

witness

to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly

woman.

He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know

me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.

I've known you since you were a young boy. And

frankly,

you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you

cheat

on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about

them

behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot

when

you haven't the brains to realize you will never

amount to

anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know

you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do,

he

pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you

know the defense attorney?'

She replied, 'Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley

since

he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for

his

parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment

to me.

He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. The

man

can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his

law

practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state.

Yes,

I know him.'

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to

silence

and called both counselors to the bench.

In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, 'If either

of you

asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for

contempt!'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Hebrew teacher stood in front of his class and said,

"The Jewish people have observed their 5,759th year as a

people. Consider that the Chinese, for example, have only

observed their 4,692nd year as a people. Now what does it

mean to you?"

After a moment of silence, a chubby student raised his hand.

"Yes, David," the teacher said. "What does it mean?"

"Well," David replied "It means that the Jews had to

go without Chinese food for 1,067 years."

 

 

 

 

 

"Equal" is not always synonymous with "the same." Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same.

1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.

2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she'll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he'll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you're driving there.

3. Boys' rooms are usually messy. Girls' rooms are usually messy, except it's a good smelling mess.

4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.

5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.

6. Boys couldn't care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.

7. Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost instintively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.

8. If a girl accidently burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidently burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.

9. Boys grow their fingernails long because because they're too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long - not because they look nice - but because they can dig them into a boys arm.

10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.

11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.

12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.

13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they've watched "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" movie three times in a row.

14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.

 

 

 

 

 

The Killer

One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York Police Precinct to report that his new American wife was planning to kill him.

The Copper on duty was intrigued by this and asked, "How sure are you that she is gonna kill you? I mean, did she threaten to kill you?"

"Nope," replied the nervous immigrant.

"Well, did you hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill you?"

"Nope."

"Did someone tell you that your wife is gonna kill you?"

"Nope."

"Then why in Christ's name did you think she's gonna kill you?" asked the exasperated police officer.

"Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!" He handed the police officer the suspect bottle.

The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud. The immigrant became indignant and said,

"Hey man, what so funny? Can't you see the label on bottle said, 'Polish Remover'?"

 

 

 

 

A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a

small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar,

ordered a drink and lit up a cigar.

As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke

rings.

After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry

American Indian stomped up to him and said, "One more remark

like that and I'll smash your face in."

 

 

 

1. SSC + HSC + BMS + MBA = UNEMPLYOMENT ..

 

 

2. An Idea + An Idiot = A Dot com.

3. One Chinese gymnast = India's Gold Medal tally since 1896

4. Sushmita Sen - 1.2 feet = Salman Khan.

5. Special Effects in Shampoo ads = Special effects in Jurassic

park.

6. 4 weeks in Switzerland + London + New Zealand + Canada = 4

minute song in Hindi movie.

7. Ajay Devgan + cosmetic surgery + acting ability + personality +

own production company = Kajol

8. Rona dhona x Bewafai x Badle ki aag = Your mum's favourite

serials.

9. Amitabh Bachchan - Mrityudaata + Kaun Banega crorepati = A

SUPERSTAR.

10. Amitabh Bachchan + Jaya Bachchan = Abhishek Bachchan -Talent.

11. Any actor + Any actress + many movies = David Dhawan

12. 1 smile + 32 teeth = Govinda

13. 1 person - shirt = Salman Khan

14. 1 person + straight hair + unstraight walk = Sanjay dutt

15. 1 hand + 10 kg weight = Sunny Deol

16. One engagement + Two weddings + Three wedding songs + Four

hundred Relatives + A house bigger than Buckingham Palace = One

Sooraj Barjataya Film

 

 

 

1) What do you call a sardar who drinks only beer?

 

 

* Justbeer Singh.

 

 

2)What do you call a sardar who has only one drink?

 

 

* Justone Singh.

 

 

3)What do you call a sikh female's boyfriend?

 

 

* Her-Pal Singh

 

 

4)What do you call a sardar who has only one hair?

 

 

* IK-BAL Singh

 

 

5)What do you call a sardar looking for happiness?

 

 

* KHUSH-WANT Singh

 

 

6)What do you call a sardar living under-water?

 

 

* Jal-andhar Singh

 

 

7)What do you call a sardar living under-water and

 

 

able to breath also?

 

 

* Jal-andhar Singh Gill.

 

 

 

 

 

Some other Indian Names..

 

 

1)Bengali who talks much -

 

 

Chatter-jee

 

 

2)Director of ISRO satellite preparing to take off -

 

 

B. Reddy

 

 

3)One who can't be steady after a drink -

 

 

P. K.Girpade

 

 

4) A Konkani Bharthnaatyam Dancer -

 

 

Thaka. Dhimi.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jo ek galti kare wo anjaan!

 

 

Jo do galti kare wo nadaan!!

 

 

Jo teen galti kare wo shaitan!!!

 

 

Jo galti pe galti kare wo PAKISTAN!!!!

 

 

Aur jo galtiyon ko Maaf kare wo Mera BHARAT MAHAAN .

 

 

 

 

 

THE PROBLEM WITH GUYS

 

If u TREAT him nicely, he says u are IN LOVE with

him;

 

If u Don't, he says u are PROUD.

 

If u DRESS Nicely, he says u are trying to LURE him;

 

If you Don't, he says u are from KAMPUNG.

 

If u ARGUE with him, he says u are STUBBORN;

 

If u keep QUIET, he says u have no BRAINS.

 

If u are SMARTER than him, he'll Lose FACE;

 

If he's Smarter than u, he is GREAT.

 

If u don't Love him, he Tries to POSSESS u;

 

If u Love him, he will try to LEAVE u.

 

If u don't Let him KISS u, he says u don't Love him;

If u let him KISS! ! he says u are CHEAP.

 

If u tell him your PROBLEM, he says u are

TROUBLESOME;

 

If u Don't, he says dat u don't TRUST him

 

If u SCOLD him, u are like a NANNY to him;

 

If he SCOLDS u, it is because he CARES for u.

 

If u BREAK your PROMISE, u Cannot be TRUSTED;

If he BREAKS his, he is FORCED to do so.

 

If u SMOKE, u are BAD girl;

 

If he SMOKES, he is GENTLEMAN.

 

If u do WELL in your Exams, he says it's LUCK;

 

If he does Well, it's BRAINS.

 

If u HURT him, u are CRUEL;

 

If he HURTS u, u are too SENSITIVE! !

 

Guys are in fact really so troublesome & sooo hard to

please!

 

I just want to add one more ..

 

If you send this to guys, they will say it's not true

 

But if you don't, they say you are selfish .. :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Future Novelists... These are actual analogies and metaphors

found in high school essays

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two

other sides gently compressed by a thigh master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking

alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

He spoke with wisdom that can only come from experience,

like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar

eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and

now goes around the country speaking about the dangers of

looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a

pinhole in it.

She grew on him like E. coli and he was room temperature

Canadian beef.

She had a deep throaty genuine laugh like that sound a dog

makes just before he throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like, whatever.

He was a tall as a six foot three inch tree.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had

disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a

rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge free

ATM.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the

way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a hefty

bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had

an eerie surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in

another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 pm instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

The hailstones leaped up off the pavement, just like maggots

when you fry them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star crossed lovers raced

across a grassy field toward each other like two freight

trains, on having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at

55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35

mph.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket

fences that resemble Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds

who had also never met.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she

was the east river.

Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel

trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted

shut.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But

unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

Young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not

eating for a while.

"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like

a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck,

either, but a really duck that was actually lame. Maybe

from stepping on a landmine or something.

The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one

slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with

power tools.

He was deeply in love when she spoke, he thought he heard

bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

She was as easy as the TV guide crossword.

Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to

put in any pH cleanser.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing

legs.

Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation

thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightening.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally

staple it to the wall.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Over a gynecologist's office: Dr. Jones, at your cervix.

On a plumber's truck: We repair what your husband fixed.

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in Pennsylvania:

Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.

Pizza shop slogan: 7 days without pizza makes one weak.

Outside a muffler shop: No appointment necessary. We hear

you coming.

 

In a veterinarian's waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes.

Sit! Stay!

 

Door of a plastic surgeon's office: We can help you pick

your nose!

 

On an electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts.

 

In a non-smoking area: If we see smoke, we will assume you

are on fire and take Appropriate action.

 

On a maternity room door: Push...Push...Push

 

At an optometrist's office: If you don't see what you're

looking for, you've come to the right place.

In the front yard of a funeral home: Drive carefully. We'll

wait.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lets test your cricket knowledge !!

Can you name this Indian legend ?

He scored an unbeaten match-winning century on debut.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He is an opening batsman and a medium-pace bowler.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He is the only batsman after Sir Don Bradman to have an average above 95.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Socho, socho

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ek hint aur

He won a match for his team by hitting a six of the last delivery.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

abhi tak nahin samja ........................,

Scroll down

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chal thik hai aur ek hint,

He won the first match in which he was appointed as captain.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

abhi tak nahin samja ........................,

Shame on you what kind of a cricket Fan r u.......,

 

 

SCroll down for the answer

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Answer is Mr. Bhuvan from Champaner.(LAGAAN)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

George Bush: "Condoleeza! Nice to see you. What's happening?"

Condoleeza Rice: "Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China."

George: "Great. Lay it on me."

Condoleeza: "'Hu' is the new leader of China."

George: "That's what I want to know."

Condoleeza: "That's what I'm telling you."

George: "That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?"

Condoleeza: "Yes."

George: "I mean the fellow's name."

Condoleeza: "Hu."

George: "The guy in China."

Condoleeza: "Hu."

George: "The new leader of China."

Condoleeza: "Hu."

George: "The Chinaman!"

Condoleeza: "Hu is leading China."

George: "Now whaddya' asking me for?"

Condoleeza: "I'm telling you Hu is leading China."

George: "Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?"

Condoleeza: "That's the man's name."

George: "That's who's name?"

Condoleeza: "Yes."

George: "Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?"

Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."

George: "Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East."

Condoleeza: "That's correct."

George: "Then who is in China?"

Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."

George: "Yassir is in China?"

Condoleeza: "No, sir."

George: "Then who is?"

Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."

George: "Yassir?"

Condoleeza: "No, sir."

George: "Look, Condoleeza. I need to know the name of the new leader of

China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone."

Condoleeza: "Kofi?"

George: "No, thanks."

Condoleeza: "You want Kofi?"

George: "No."

Condoleeza: "You don't want Kofi."

George: "No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N."

Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."

George: "Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N."

Condoleeza: "Kofi?"

George: "Milk! Will you please make the call?"

Condoleeza: "And call who?"

George: "Who is the guy at the U.N?"

Condoleeza: "Hu is the guy in China."

George: "Will you stay out of China?!"

Condoleeza: "Yes, sir."

George: "And stay out of the Middle East! Just get methe guy at the U.N."

Condoleeza: "Kofi."

George: "All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Subject: Kiss

General Musharaf, Vajpayee, Madhuri Dixit and Margaret Thatcher are

Sitting in a train. The train suddenly goes thru a tunnel and it gets

Completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!

The train comes out of the tunnel. The woman and Vajpayee are sitting

There looking perplexed. Musharaf is bent over holding his face, which

Is red from an apparent slap. All of them remain diplomatic and nobody

Says anything.

Thatcher is thinking: "These Pakistanis are all crazy after Madhuri.

Musharaf must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper

That she slapped him."

Madhuri is thinking: "Musharaf must have moved

To kiss me, and kissed Margaret instead and got slapped."

Musharaf is thinking: "Damn it, Vajpayee must have tried to kiss Madhuri, she thought

it was me and slapped me." Vajpayee is thinking: "If this train goes through another

tunnel ,I could make another kissing sound and slap Musharaf again."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Did you know?

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced

enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is

produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.(Now that's more like

it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body

to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a

pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to

death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not

try this at home...... maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to

its body. The female initiates sex by r! ipping the male's head

off.("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping

the length of a football field. (30 minutes... lucky pig... can you

imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.(What could be so tasty on the

bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.(I still want to be a pig in my

next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in human body is the tongue. (I thought .... )

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than

left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the

difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be

a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a ! black light. (I wonder who was paid to

figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like

that.)

Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot

longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the

stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe

even a chuckle).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right

and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks -

this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

FIVE MINUTES

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your

football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an

even trade.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

NOTHING

This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is

usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you

inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an

argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over

"Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)

This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will

get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by

"Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when

she cools off.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often

misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at

that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and

arguing with you over "Nothing"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

SOFT SIGH

Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she

is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay

content.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a

man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before

paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is

often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

GO AHEAD.

At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big

trouble.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

PLEASE DO

This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance

to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is

that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful

and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT

This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when

she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in

some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not

to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you

"Nothing"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

These are real PJs on elephants. They are absolutely

whackers..........never read only one.

 

The effects are cumulative.

 

Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?

 

A: Take away his credit card.

 

 

Q: Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?

 

A: Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an

Aspirin.

 

 

 

 

Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?

 

A: Because it fell asleep.

 

 

 

 

Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?

 

A: It was glued to the first one.

 

 

 

 

Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?

 

A: It was a copy cat.

 

 

 

 

 

Q: Why did the fourth elephant fall out of the tree?

 

A: It thought this was all a game.

 

 

 

 

Q: And why did the tree fall down?

 

A: It thought it was an elephant.

 

 

 

 

 

Q: What does an elephant and a blueberry have in common?

 

A: They're both blue, except for the elephant.

 

 

 

 

 

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the

hill?

 

A: Look, there's 1,000 elephants coming over the hill.

 

 

 

 

 

Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?

 

A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.

 

 

 

 

 

Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?

 

A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns

blue,

 

then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

 

 

 

 

 

Q: How do you shoot a green elephant?

 

A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he

turns

 

blue, then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

 

 

 

 

 

Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant?

 

A: First you bake a cake, and put 3 raisins on top, then you take

it out

 

in the jungle where the pink elephant will find it, and you wait.

Eventually

 

the elephant comes along, finds the cake,eats the raisins and

throws the

 

cake away. Then you go home and bake another cake and put 2 raisins

on top,

 

take it out in the jungle where the elephant will find it. The

elephant

 

comes along, finds the cake, eats the 2 raisins and throws the cake

away.

 

You go home and bake another cake and put only one raisin on it.

Then you

 

trek back into the jungle and put the cake where the pink elephant

will find

 

it. The elephant comes along eats the raisin, and throws that cake

away.Now

 

you go home and bake another cake, but (here's the sneaky part) you

don't

 

put any raisins on it. You take it out into the jungle where the

elephant

 

will find it and lie in wait. The pink elephant comes along and

finds

 

the cake, he gets SO mad that there aren't any raisins on it, he

turns

 

red, then you jump on him, strangle him until he turns

blue......and you

 

shoot him with a BLUE ELEPHANT GUN!!!

 

 

 

 

 

Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?

 

A: Aw, come one, have you ever seen a yellow elephant !?!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Q: Why do elephants have red eyes?

 

A: So they can hide themselves better in cherry trees.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Q: Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?

 

A: No? See how well the trick with the red eyes works?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?

 

A: Time to get a new fence.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Q: Where does an 8 ton elephant sit?

 

A: Any damn place where he pleases!

 

*******************************************************************

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Replacement Judge

An attorney telephoned the governor just after

midnight, insisting

that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost

urgency.

An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.

"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.

"Judge Garber has just died" said the attorney, "and I

want to take

his place."

The governor replied: "Well, it's OK with me if it's

OK with the

undertaker."

******************************************************

The stockbroker's secretary answered his phone

one morning. "I'm sorry," she said, "Mr. Bachman

is on another line."

"This is Mr. Hall's office," the caller

said. "We'd like to know if he's bullish or

bearish right now."

"He's talking to his wife," the secretary replied.

"Right now I'd say he's sheepish."

 

******************************************************

Old age

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car,

both women barely large enough to see over the

dashboard. As they cruised along, they came to an

intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went

on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to

herself, I must be losing it, I could have sworn we

just went through a red light.

After a few more minutes, they came to another

intersection, the light was red, and again they went

right through. This time, the passenger was almost

sure that the light had been red, but was also

concerned that she might be seeing things. She was

getting nervous and decided to pay very close

attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the

light was definitely red and they went right through

it.

She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did

you know we just ran through three red lights in a

row? You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and cried, "Holy Crap! Am I

driving?"

******************************************************

The Cowboy

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a

drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of

picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished

his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He goes

back into the bar, Handily flips his gun into the air

catches it above his head without even looking and

fires a shot into the ceiling.

"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he

yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered.

"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS

AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I'M GONNA DO

WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO

WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another

beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He

saddles-up and starts to ride out of town. The

bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say

partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The

cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

******************************************************

A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out,

"Don't take a step further." She obeys and suddenly a

ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have

otherwise been. She thinks she imagined it and keeps

walking until suddenly the voice calls out again.

"Don't take a step further." She stops and a car skids

past. Then suddenly she hears the voice saying "I am

your guardian angel, and I will warn you before

something bad happens to you. Now do you have any

questions to ask me?" Yes! Shouts the woman, "Just

where were you on my wedding day!"

******************************************************

Salesman with a twist

A man came into a shop with a 'Salesman Wanted' sign

in a

window. He went up to the owner and said, "I-I-I

w-w-waannn-t the j-joooob-b." "I don't know if this

job

would suit you because of your speaking impediment,"

said

the owner.

"I h-h-havvve a w-wi-wiiiife and s-s-s-six k-kkkids,

iiii-I

re-really neeeed thi-thi-this j-j-job!" said the man.

"O.K. Here are three Bibles. Go out and sell them."

Said

the owner.

So the man went out and came back an hour later.

"H-here-sss your m-m-money." said the man. The owner

was

impressed, so he gave the man a dozen more Bibles and

sent

him out. The man came back in two hours and said,

"Her-ers

y-yooour m-m-money."

The owner said, "This is fantastic. You sold more

Bibles in

three hours than anyone has sold in a week. Tell me,

what

do you say to the people when they come to the door?"

"W-welllll," said the man, "I r-r-ring the d-door

bell,

a-a-and s-s-say 'H-Hel-Hello, M-m-maaaaddam, d-d-do

you

w-w-want t-t t-to buy thi-thi-this B-B-Bible, oooor

d-d-do

y-you w-w-want m'me t-toooo read it t-t-t-t-to you?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just a Few Thoughts.... don't know how much of this is true, but sure makes an interesting reading!!

 

Next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be: Here are some facts about the 1500's:

 

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

 

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children; last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

 

Houses had thatched roofs (thick straw piled high), with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

 

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, there came about a bed with big posts and a sheet hanging over the top to afford some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

 

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor."

 

The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway hence, a "thresh hold."

 

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

 

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."

 

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous!!

 

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."

 

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait to see if they would wake up hence, the custom of "holding a wake."

 

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night ("the graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."

 

And that's the truth... (and whoever said that History was boring?)

 

 

 

 

 

FUNNY THINGS SAID IN COURT

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken

down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of

staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place:

 

--------------------------------------------------------

 

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've

forgotten?

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke

that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Q: And where was the location of the accident?

A: Approximately milepost 499.

Q: And where is milepost 499?

A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?

A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?

A: After the accident?

Q: Before the accident.

A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or

the occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue

lights flashing?

A: Yes.

Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?

A: Yes, sir.

Q: What did she say?

A: What disco am I at?

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,

he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August eighth?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes.

Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition

notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an

autopsy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pakistani tourist after a long walk in one of very fancy clean streets

of

Delhi (India) found himself needing a toilet badly. After a long search

he

could not find any. And eventually couldn't control and chose a silent

corner of a clean street to relieve himself.

 

Once he had just started, a police official approached him, "Hey, What

do

you think you're doing here?"

 

Pakistani tourist: "Sorry I have to P"

 

Police: "No PP here okay? Follow me..." The Police officer took him to a

beautiful garden

nearby with lots of grass, flowers and singing birds around...

 

Policeman: "PP here.. have a nice day" the policeman said."

 

Pakistani tourist: "Oh sir ... that is very nice of you, is this Indian

courtesy?"

 

Policeman: "No... this is Pakistani Embassy!!"

 

***********************************************************

 

Pakistan just got their new Chinese fighter planes and sent a squadron

of

pilots there for training.

 

"Ok, this one is easy to fly", said the Chinese trainer, even fools

should

be able to operate it! You press this button to go up, this one to go

left

and this one for turning right!" But how do we come down?" asked Capt.

Arfath Pasha.

 

"Oh," said the Chinese "leave that to the Indian Air Force!"

 

************************************************************

One day, as the sardar taxi driver was driving along he saw a priest

looking for a ride. He pulled the taxi over.

 

He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

 

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied priest.

 

"No problem, Father! I'll get you there. Get in."

 

The happy priest climbed in and the taxi driver continued down the road.

Suddenly the Sardar (Sikh gentleman) saw a Pakistani walking down the

road

and instinctively he swerved to hit him.

 

But then he remembered there was a priest in the car with him, so at the

last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the Pakistani.

However

even though he was certain he missed the Paki, he still heard a loud

"THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his

mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and

said,

I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that Pakistani"

 

That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

 

*******************************************************************

 

A brain tumour patient with terminal disease was informed that he needed

an immediate brain

transplant operation.

 

The surgeon told him, "You can have an Indian brain for $10,000 dollars

or

an American's for $5,000 dollars or I can give you Paki's brain for

$100,000 dollars."

 

The patient asked, "Why is the Paki's brain so much more expensive than

the others?"

 

"Well," replied the surgeon, "we have to go through a lot of Pakistanis

to

find brain."

 

**************************************************************

 

A big Sardar walked into a bar with his pet tiger on a leash and asked

the

bartender, "Do you serve Pakistanis here?"

 

Sure we do," replied the bartender.

 

"Good," said the Sardar.

 

"Give me a beer, and one Pakistani for my tiger."

 

*****************************************************************

 

Ashraf, the Pakistani went to London's Heathrow airport to buy his

ticket

to go back home to Rawalpindi.

 

At the counter he found that he was 10 pence short of the fare. Having

no

other way out, he turned to all the other passengers and begged. " Will

someone please give me 10 pence? I badly want to go back and meet my

Abba

and Ammi again!"

 

Here" said a Sardar, reaching into his wallet and handing him one Pound

keep the change and take nine of your country men with you!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Classic definitions and cool meanings:

 

1. Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end

&

a fool at the other.

 

2. Love affairs: Something like cricket where one day internationals

are

more popular than a five day test.

 

3. Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor

degree

and a woman gains her master

 

4. Divorce: Future tense of marriage

 

5. Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the

lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the

minds of either".

 

6. Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number

present.

 

7. Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody

 

believes he got the biggest piece.

 

8. Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is

defeated

by feminine waterpower.

 

9. Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage.

 

10. Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens &

everybody disagrees later on.

 

11. Ecstasy: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling

you

have never felt before.

 

12. Classic: A book, which people praise, but do not read.

 

13. Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

 

14. Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home

life.

 

15. Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

 

16. Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you

actually do.

 

17. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to

decide that nothing can be done together.

 

18. Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

 

19. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

 

20. Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken

 

of when dead.

 

21. Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that

you actually look forward to the trip.

 

22. Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally

falls into a river.

 

23. Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in

midway "See I am not injured yet."

 

24. Pessimist: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO,

Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.

 

25. Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

 

26. Father: A banker provided by nature.

 

27. Criminal: A guy no different from the rest... except that he got

caught.

 

28. Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are

 

early.

 

29. Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your

Confidence after.

 

30. Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with

his bills.

 

31. Computer Engineer: One who gets paid for reading such mails......

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ques - RAM SITA HAI ... TO RAM KAUN HAI

Ans - TAILOR ( darzi )

Ques - SITA RAM HAI TO SITA KAUN HAI

Ans - Sita MEMORY hai (RAM: Random Access Memory)

Q- Prasad ask's Kumble to bring a pepsi. Kumble brings

a bottle of

pepsi but

goes directly to Tendulkar. why why :-)

Ans - Tendulkar is an opener

Q -The Madrasi said, I want to see the movie 'heart is

umbrella'.

Which movie did he really want to see ?

Ans - Dil Chhata Hai!

Q: Wohh kya hai jo Dil main hain, Mann main hai par

Dhadkan main

nahi

Socho socho

A : arey Aamir Khan !!!!!!!

Q - What will! u call a person who is leaving India.

Socho.......

A : Hindustan Lever (Leaver).

Q. Kalidas ka ek bhai joote banata tha us ka naam kya

tha........

Answer : adidas

Q. Luv and Kush are going to a village & in between

comes a well.

Luv

falls into the well. Why?

A : Because Luv is blind!!!!!

Q : Now Kush also jumps inside. Why? OK lot's of head

scratching

done.

Answer is... Luv ke liye kuch bhi karega!!!!

Want one more...

Jackie Chan ki saas ka naam kya hai.. nahi pata..

A : D'Cold chain ki saans - D'cold

chalo ab batao, Jackie Chan ki bahu ka naam kya hai

this is quite simple..

A : D'Cold again kyunki saans bhi kabhi bahu thi

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hell...Exothermic or Endothermic?

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving.

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my freshman year that "...it will be a cold day in Hell before I give you my number" and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in acquiring her number, then #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

The student received the only "A."

 

 

 

 

 

 

One morning, a company manager discovered

an unusual letter from one of his employee.

Dear Bo$$,

A$ all of u$ have read from the new$paper$, the $ingapore economy

ha$ come out of the rece$$ion. In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing

mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$

of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and

$ervice to your company.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,

$teven $oh

 

The next day, the employee received this letter of reply :

Dear Steven,

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has

changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably

well as yet. NOw the newspapers are saying the world's leading ecoNOmists

are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the

NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly,

NOrman Tan

Manager

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Letter from surds mother to him ...

====================================================

Pyaarey puttar,

Vahe Guru.I'm writing this letter slow, because I know you

cannot read fast.We don't live where we did when you left

home.Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen

20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles.I won't be able to

send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took

the house numbers with them for their new house so they

wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice.It even has a washing machine,situated

right above the commode.I'm not sure it works too well.Last

week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen

them since.The weather here isn't too bad.It rained only twice l

ast week.The first it rained for 3 days and second time for

4 days.The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it

would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the

metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.

Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is

cutting the grass at the cemetery.Your sister had a baby

this morning. I haven't found out whether it's a girl or a boy,

so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.Your uncle,

Jatinder fell in a the nearby well.Some men tried to pull him

out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned.We cremated

him and he burned for three days.

Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to

fulfil his father's last wishes. His father had wished to be

buried in the sea after he died.And your friend died while in

the process of digging a grave for his father. There isn ' t

much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love Mom.

P.S : I was going to send you some money but the envelope

was already sealed.

Regards,

Alnoor.

 

 

 

 

 

 

1) The night was dark, the moon was high,

I stopped my car....u wondered why?

I leant so close, u felt shy.

I uttered those three words....

I ......la.......puncture !!

 

2) Friends r like mirrors

they r our reflection |

you r damn lucky I look good !!!!

 

3) You - cute

You = hot

You = sweet

You = intelligent

You = amazing

You = perfect

Me = liar.

 

4) I have a confession to make, ever since I have

known u,

Its kinda hard for me to forget u.

Every night u appear in my dreams

And I find my self shouting.....

BHOOT !!! BHOOT !!!

 

5) I look at the stars, the stars r beautiful

Then I look at you......

I ......

I .......

I rather look at the stars again. *****

 

6) Look at the world as one big chocolate cake.

It would never be complete without few sweets n nuts.

Sweets like ME and nuts like YOU.

 

7) u r 100% beautiful, u r 100% lucky

u r 100% sweet , u r 100% nice

and u r 100% stupid to believe these words

 

8) If lord Krishna flirts, people say its RAAS LEELA.

If we flirt, people say our character is DHEELA.

 

9) Good looking people r hard to find.

That's why u don't ......

That's y u don't see me often.

 

10)Then u feel sad....

To cheer up just go to the mirror and say,

 

 

 

 

 

Chemical Properties of Woman

Element: Woman

Symbol: Wo

Atomic Weight: Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175.

Discoverer: Adam

Occurrence: Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower

concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal

fluctuations.

Physical Properties:

a) Surface usually covered with painted film.

b) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.

c) Melts if given special treatment.

d) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!

e) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.

f) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

Chemical Properties:

a) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious

stones.

b) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.

c) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.

d) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated

in

alcohol to a certain point.

e) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.

f) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.

Uses:

a) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.

b) Can greatly improve relaxation levels.

c) Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.

d) Can cool things down when it's too hot.

Tests:

a) Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.

b) Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Caution:

a) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when

handling.

b) Illegal to possess more than one.

 

 

 

 

 

" A Crappy Date (A True Story)

Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage.

Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night.

Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back.

Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom. After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes. He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again.

So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees.

They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up.

He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise. "Oh crap," he thinks (and feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the outside. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy.

On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap.

Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?" he asks.

"No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies. They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the right, women's fashions are on the left. They split up.

Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) "Just the pants." "What?" asks the Gap girl.

"Just the pants!" (Eyes still trained on his date.) Gap girl: "Oh, OK."

He pays for the pants and walks over to his date; then they leave the store. They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out...just the sweater.

 

 

 

All about Bill Gates and his fortune:

Bill Gates earns $250 every SECOND, that's about $20 Million a DAY and

$7.8

Billion a YEAR!

If he drops thousand dollars, he shouldn't even bother to pick it up

because

the 4 seconds it takes to pick it up, he would've already earned it back.

The US national debt is about $5.62 trillion. If Bill Gates were to pay

the

debt by himself, he will pay it off in less then 10 years.

He can donate $15 to everyone on earth and still be left with $5 Million

as his

pocket money.

Michael Jordan is the highest paid athlete in US. If he doesn't drink and

eat,

and keeps up his annual income i.e. $30 Million, he'll have to wait for

277

years to become as rich as Bill Gates is now.

If Bill Gates was a country, he would be the 37th richest country on

earth.

Bill Gates is 40 this year. If we assume that he will live for another 35

years, he has to spend $6.78 Million per day to finish all his money

before he

can depart from here.

If you change all of Bill Gate's money to $1 notes, you can make a road

from

earth to moon, 14 times back and forth. But it would take 1,400 years

(non-stop) to build that road, and use a total of 713 (Boeing 747) planes

to

transport all that money.

Here is the last bit of information on his wealth:

If Microsoft Windows' users can claim $1 for every time their computers

hang

because of Windows, Bill Gates will be bankrupt in just 3 years!

 

 

 

Some of you may have seen this one before.

A while ago some woman claimed that she keeps seeing her dead husband's

ghost in her living room. A journalist decided to go and interview her

and find out the truth.

While there he took this video/photo of her room. Apparently you can see

the ghost and hear murmurs in it. You have to bring up the picture, turn

up your volume, and then focus and concentrate on the picture near the

table. You may need to get real close to the screen and concentrate for

about a minute. Its like one of those photo illusion things.

Try and focus and see it carefully and maybe you can see the old guy.

http://home.attbi.com/~n9ivo/whatswrong.swf

Let me know if you can see him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The most destructive habit .................. Worry

The greatest joy ............................ Giving

The greatest loss ........................... Loss of self-respect

The most satisfying work .................... Helping others

The ugliest personality trait................ Selfishness

The most endangered species ................. Dedicated leaders

The greatest "shot in the arm"............... Encouragement

The greatest problem to overcome............. Fear

The most effective sleeping pill............. Peace of mind

The most crippling failure disease........... Excuses

The most powerful force in life ............. Love

The most dangerous pariah ................... A gossiper

The worlds most incredible computer.......... The brain

The worst thing to be without ............... Hope

The deadliest weapon ........................ The tongue

The two most power-filled words ............. "I Can"

The greatest asset .......................... Faith

The most worthless emotion .................. Self-pity

The most beautiful attire ................... SMILE!

The most prized possession .................. Self esteem

The most powerful channel of communication... Prayer

The most contagious spirit .................. Enthusiasm

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A jobless man applied for the position of 'office boy' at

Microsoft.

The HR manager interviewed him, then a test: clean the floor.

"You are engaged" he said, give me your e-mail address, and I'll

send you the application to fill, as well as when you will start.

The man replied " I don't have a computer, neither an email".

I'm sorry, said the HR manager, if you don't have an email,

that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the

job.

The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do,

with only 10US$ in his pocket. He then decided to go to the

supermarket and buy a 10 Kg tomato crate. He then sold the tomatoes in a

door to door round.

In less than two hours, He succeeded to double his capital. He

repeated the operation three times, and returned home with 60 US$! .

The man realized that he can survive by this way, and started

to go everyday earlier, and return late. Thus, his money doubles or

triples every day.

Shortly later, he bought a cart, then a truck, then he

had his own fleet of delivery vehicles. 5 years later, the man is one of the

biggest food retailers in the U. S. He started to plan his family's future,

and decided to have a life insurance.

He called an insurance broker, and choose a protection plan.

When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his

email. The man replied: ' I don't have an email'. The broker replied

curiously, you don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an

empire. Do you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?!!

The man thought for a while, and replied: An office boy at

Microsoft!

 

The moral of this story:

M1-Internet is not the solution to your life.

M2- Even if you don't have internet, and work hard, you can still

be a millionaire.

M3- If you received this message by email, you are closer to be an

office boy, rather than a millionaire. Have a great day,

P.S.: Do not reply to this email, I am going out to sell

Tomatoes!!!

 

 

 

 

CALLING THE WANKER

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!! Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.

When the same person once more answered, I yelled, "You're a wanker!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "wanker," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a wanker!" It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me -- I would have to stop calling the wanker. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a wanker!"

The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 8234-4863.

[Keep reading, it gets better.]

The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking pace. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro came flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space.

I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a wanker, there sure are a lot of wankers in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 8234-4863 and yelling, "You're a wanker!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."

I said, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes,"

"Don, you're a wanker!" And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two wankers to call. Then, after several months of calling the wankers and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:

First, I had my phone dial wanker #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello."

I yelled "You're a wanker!", but I didn't hang up.

The wanker said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "No."

He said, "What's your name, Pal?"

I said, "Don Hansen."

He said "Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front."

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, wanker!" and I hung up.

Then I called wanker #2. He answered, "Hello."

I said, "Hello, wanker!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your ass."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now wanker!" And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 7 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.

Glorious!

Watching two wankers kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter... it was f*ckin fantastic!

 

 

IDIOTS IN SERVICE

 

This week, our phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair

people. They promised to be out between 8:00a.m. and 7:00p.m. When I

asked

if they could give me a smaller time window.

The pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we

come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that since

our phones weren't working.

He also requested that we report future outages by email (Does YOUR email

work without a telephone line?).

 

 

IDIOTS AT WORK:

 

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk

noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She

informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card

was

signed.

When asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the

signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card

in

front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just

signed on the receipt.

 

As luck would have it, they matched.

 

 

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:

 

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the

local

township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer

Crossing

sign on our road.

The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and she didn't want

them

to cross there anymore.

 

IDIOT SIGHTING # 1

 

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee

asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"

To

which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" She

smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

 

IDIOT SIGHTING #2

 

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I

was crossing with a coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the

buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light

is

red.Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing

driving?"

 

IDIOT SIGHTING #3

 

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the

company due to "downsizing, our manager commented cheerfully, "This is

fun.

We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just

looked

at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

 

IDIOT SIGHTING #4

 

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our

car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service

department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's

side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried

the

door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

"Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied,

"I

know - I already got that side."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself "She'll never go for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beloved baked beans, and shortly after, that they got married.

It was his birthday a few months later and, on the way home from work, his car broke down.

 

 

Since they lived in the country, the man called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk.

On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he 'putt-putted'. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next.

By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited.

 

 

She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.

 

 

At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms awhile, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue-ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and, a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin. When he heard his wife saying goodbye (indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled,

"Surprise!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

System Failure - Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.

Close your eyes and press escape three times.

Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."

To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."

File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

User Error: Replace user - now get out of here!

Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...

If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations.

 

 

 

The bandage was wound around the wound.

The farm was used to produce produce.

The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse

We must polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to

present the present.

A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

After a number of injections my jaw got number.

Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Difference Between Focus on Problems, and Focus on Solutions:

When NASA began the launch of astronauts into space, they found out that the

pens wouldn't workat zero gravity. (Ink won't flow down to the writing

surface) In order to solve this problem, they hired Andersen Consulting

(Accenture today). It took them one decade and 12 million dollars.They

developed a pen that worked at zero gravity, upside down, under water, in

practically any surface including crystal and in a temperature range from

below freezing to over 300 degrees C.

The Russians used a pencil...

 

 

 

 

 

Can you believe this message? Read on!! Do you know

that India is the richest country in the world !!!

Right now .....India is the richest country in the

world ! Ask how?

 

1) Really amazing. It is due to Mr. G Vaidyaraj who

donated all his wealth, about which he too was not

knowing .... He is a descendent of Raja Krishnadev Raj

from Mysore district... From last 300 years or so

three stones were worshiped in his house, but

nobody tried to see what it was, except this person

who is a lawyer by profession.

Oneday, incidentally, when there was nobody

in his house, the took the stone. Out to see what it

is that we worship. Due the dust deposited on it

from years. It looked like a simple stone only,

but when he touched it some portion of the

stone Was cleansed, and he saw a bright ray of light.

He saw some thing which attracted his Attention

and he was amazed when he cleaned all of them.

The whole room was filled with light.

He discovered the diamonds of about 4600 carats

each. He informed the Govt. of India And the news

is censored with its security.

It is now deposited in Swiss bank.. The cost of single

diamond exceeds the GDP of USA + UK, ( GDP

- Gross Domestic Product . The total market value

of all the goods and services produced within the

borders of a nation during a specified period )

India can buy virtually 7developing nations. Even

World Bank does not have enough money to

buy it. One diamond costs thrice the debt of

World Bank over India. One such diamond can

buy 10 Bill Gates to you and World Bank has

proposed the Indian Govt. that it can pay India

in Installments if it wishes to do so. India's GDP

is 34.25 billion dollars and Bill Gates property is 95

billion dollars approximate so that is the way

"nature changes" Mr.Vajpayee has refused to sell it.

He said it will be sold or mortgaged for credit

when we need it. Otherwise right now we have

no problems. You can go through Times of India

with a small column on it a week ago. Star TV

presented a 115 min documentary on it about

15 days ago. The Hindu with its half page article

in it. After that it was censored classified.

 

2) Another good news!!!

Desert of Thar a deposit of Oil and Natural gas has

been found, which stores what Kuwait has in

its stomach. India can go with this ONGC energy

reserve with another 30 years and more over it

can export it to other counties. It's incredible!! But true.

3) Still more good news!!!

An Indian boy in his 12th standard has disproved

Einstein's Theory of "Relativity" Shocked? Read

on ... Sudarshan Reddy has theoretically proven

the existence of a sub-atomic particle which

can travel at speed faster than that of light, there

by challenging one of the fundamental postulates

of the "Theory of Relativity".

In his recent research paper submitted to the

"Institute of Advanced Physics (IAP)" at Trieste,

(Italy). Sudarshan has proved the existence of a

class of sub-atomic particles called "leptons",

which can travel faster than light. The

International physics community has shocked by

this discovery. Dr. Massimo Martelli, President

of the IAP has this to say about the paper

submitted by Sudarshan. After a long, careful

and critical analysis, I can confidently say that

Sudarshan's research paper show tremendous

leap in our understanding of physics as this

investigation mounts up on "leptons". His work

builds substantially on the work of Einstein and

other in the field of relativity.

When physicists from Princeton University tried to

measure Sudarshan's IQ with an IQ-meter (at the

American Embassy in Delhi), the meter broke down,

simply because it was not calibrated to measure

such high IQ. This was reported in Times of India.

Prof. Carl Uppsala, Chairman of the Nobel

sub-committee for physics has confirmed that

Sudarshan has been short listed for the

Nobel prize in physics for the year 2001.

Sudarshan incidentally, is the brother of Madhu Reddy,

the Indian whiz kid who developed an Operating system,

superior to Microsoft Windows. We should all

be very proud of these boys.

Please forward this email to as many indians

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Some good sardar jokes...

A sardar walked up to the front desk of the library and said, "I borrowed a book last week, but it was the most boring I've ever read. There was no story whatsoever, and there were far too many characters!"

The librarian replied, "Oh, you must be the person who took our phone book."

---------------------------

Once a sardar and his wife are walking on the road. Suddenly a crow flying above them shits on the Sardar`s shoulders. His wife goes and gets a paper napkin for him.the surd tells him its of no use now, the crow has vanished.

----------------------------

Sardar Banta Singhs boss was always irritated by him, Coz Banta Singh was a major liar. Banta Singh used to claim that he knew Bill Clinton, Atal Bihari Vajaypee, The Pope etc... SO one day his boss decided to test him.

He asked Banta Singh to take him to Vajaypee. Banta took him to Delhi and visited Vajaypee at his residence. Vajaypee personally welcomed Banta and asked him to stay for lunch.Not still convinced his boss asked to meet Bill Clinto. In the White House , Bill Clinton was excited to see Banta and took him to the Oval Room. He knew Banta like childhood friends. The boss still not convinced asked Banta to take him to meet the Pope. In rome the Pope ppeared in front of thousands of visitors at his balcony on the third floor, Banta not able to get attention from the Pope, decides to go to the balcony where Pope was standing. Banta asks his boss to wait. In 5 minutes he sufaces on the balcony next to the Pope. The pope greets and hugs him.

Suddenly he notices his Boss collapsed on the ground. On the way to the hospital he asks his boss, "What Happened?" his boss replies, "

Everything was fine..Untill when u surfaced next to the Pope, A man standing next to me, asked, Who is that man standing next to Banta Singh??? "

------------------------------

Once upon a time, santasingh was working in a circus and suddenly one of the lions broke off the cage. everyone was panicking and so the manager decided to ask our bold sardarji to solve this problem. so he let him in. now, as soon as santasingh entered in the lion roared after him in hunger.so our santaji sat into the jeep and raced at top speed. soon to his fate he discovered that the lion was just after him. just ahead there came a diversion so sardarji gave the indicator left and turned right, and luckily the lion went left. but soon after this again he joined the main road and the lion was after him, so this time he gave the indicator for right and turned left, and so did the lion. getting very happy at his cleverness,

the sardar laughed. but after a few minutes again he joined the main road and the lion was after him. this time there was no diversion ahead. so our santaji stopped the jeep and waved the lion to go in front of him as if to overtake.and the lion even did this. moral of the story:- "there are some sardar species in lions too."

----------------------------

Santa singh and Banta singh were always boasting of their parentsachievements to each other.Santa singh : Have you ever heard of the SuezCanal?

Banta singh : Yes, I have.

Santa singh : Well, my father dug it.

Banta singh : That's nothing, have you ever heard of Dead sea?

Santa singh : Yes, I have.

Banta singh : Well, my father killed it

 

 

 

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in

her class the first half of a proverb and ask each student to come up with

the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done

by first graders, but there are some good ones nonetheless their insight may

surprise you.

Better to be safe than........punch a 5th grader

Strike while the.........bug is close

It's always darkest before.......Daylight Savings Time.

Never under estimate the power of.......termites

You can lead a horse to water but........how?

Don't bite the hand that.........looks dirty

No news is.........impossible

A miss is as good as a.......Mr.

You can't teach an old dog new.....math

If you lie down with dogs you'll......stink in the morning

Love all, trust.........me

The pen is mightier than the......pigs

An idle mind is.......the best way to relax

Where there's smoke there's.......pollution

Happy the bride who.........gets all the presents

A penny saved is.........not much

Two's company, three's........the Musketeers

Don't put off till tomorrow what.......you put on to go to bed

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and........ you have to blow

your nose

Children should be seen and not.......spanked or grounded

If at first you don't succeed.....get new batteries

You get out of something only what you.....see in the picture on the box

When the blind leadeth the blind......get out of the way

 

 

 

At the hospital, Hank the redneck was explaining

to a police officer why his cousin shot him.

"Well," Hank began, "we was havin' a good time

drinkin' when my cousin Aldo picked up his shotgun

and said, "Hey, do you fellas wanna go hunting?"

"Then what happened?", asked the officer.

"From what I remember ," Hank said, "I stood up

and said, "Sure, I'm game!"

 

 

 

Little Johnny said to his Aunt Tess, "My God, you're

ugly, aren't you!"

His mother overheard this and pulled Johnny into the

kitchen.

"You naughty boy!" she screamed, "How can you say

to your aunt that she's ugly! You go right in and

apologize to her! Tell her you're sorry!"

Little Johnny entered the living room, walked over to

his aunt and said, "Aunt Tess, I am sorry you're so ugly."

 

 

 

tamaam umr tera intezaar kiya humne.....

aur is intezaar mein kis kis se pyaar kiya humne..........

 

 

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a

subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was

stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,

and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of

his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest

and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with

cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a

contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning

to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged

the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't

mean to come on so strong. How long have you had

arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that

the Pope does".

 

So.....you think you are good at English??!!!

Do you think you know English? Try this one. Can you decipher this:

A research team proceeded towards the apex of a natural geologic

protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of

A sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of

which was unspecified.

One member of the team precipitously descended, sustaining severe damage

to the upper cranial portion of his anatomical structure; subsequently

the second member of the team performed a self rotational translation

oriented in the same direction taken by the first team member.

Scroll down for answer:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water

Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after.

 

It was opening night at the Orpheum and The Amazing

Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles

around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike

most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people

up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend

to hypnotize each and every member of this audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude

withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.

It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for

six generations. He began to swing the watch gently back

and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch,

watch the watch, watch the watch...."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back

and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch,

until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers

and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Shit!" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theatre

 

 

Love letter

My Dear FAIR & LOVELY (EK TUKUDA CHAND KA),

You are my TVS SCOOTY (First Love) and also my AIWA (PURE PASSION).

I always BPL (Believe in best) and you are SANSUI (Better than best).

You are MC DOWEL'S (Mera number one) love LA OPALA (Made for one).

I believe in FRESHIYA (Gorapan se jyada khoobsurti ka wada) and you are one

of the most Beautiful in this world.

I think of you day and night when you give me one and only Smile. You are

DOMINO'S PIZZA (Delivering a Million of smile per day) for me.

This is a COLGATE ENERGY GEL (Seriously fresh) feeling for me.

I would like you should be my life partner. I think you are worried about

your Father who is KAWASAKI BAJAJ CALIBER (The unshakeble) and also think of

my Father who is CEAT (Born tough) but don't worry I am also FORD ICON (The

Josh Machine) and rest of our family members are KELVINATORS (The coolest

ones).

If they will say no, we will run away and marry and PHILIPS (Lets make

things better).

They will feel MIRINDA (Jor ka jatka dhire se laghe) and we COCA COLA (Jo

chahe ho Jaye Coca Cola enjoy).

Trust in God who's always NOKIA (Connecting people) those who love each

other.

And we are Wills (Made for each Other).

After some time, our love will be SAMSUNG DIGITALL (Invited by all).

We will be HERO HONDA (Leading the way) of our love life.

Then our life is BOLERO (Break free).

Now that HYUNDAI (we are listening) to the song of love, you must know that

love is DAIRY MILK (The real test of life), SATYAM ON LINE (Fun fast easy),

PARX (always comfortable) and also AMUL (The real taste of India).

For me, HOME TRADE (Life means more).

So never forget me. Ok bye! I wrote little but PEPSI (Ye dil mange More).

 

LG [Digitally yours]

 

 

Do you know a lot of people ask stupid questions??

10 most stupid questions' people usually ask in

obvious situations and

some equally stupid answers.

1. At the movies: When you meet

acquaintances/friends...

Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?

Answer:- Don't u know, I sell tickets in black over

here..

2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high

heeled shoes steps on

your feet...

Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?

Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local

anesthesia..... why don't you try

again.

3. At a funeral: One of the teary eyed people

ask...

Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.

Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter

Stupid Question:- Is the "Paneer Butter Masala" dish

good??

Answer:- No, its terrible and made of adulterated

cement. We

occasionally also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt

meets you after

years...

Stupid Question:- Munna,Chickoo, you've become so

big.

Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk

yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you

ask...

Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?

Answer:- No, he's a miserable wife beating,

insensitive lout...it's just

the money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone

call...

Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?

Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the

Zulu tribes in africa

marry or not. And you thought I was sleeping.... you

dumb witted moron.

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently

shorter hair...

Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?

Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding......

9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects

in your mouth...

Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?

Answer:- No it wont. It will just bleed.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman

asks...

Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke.

Answer:- Gosh, it's a miracle ............it was a

piece of chalk and

now it's in flames!!!

 

HEIGHT OF REPETITION: Forwarding an email to someone

and receiving the same email forwarded back to you by

some one in the receiving chain.

HEIGHT OF ISOLATION: Two persons sitting side by

side using emails to communicate with each other.

HEIGHT OF COWARDICE: Two persons fighting through

emails.

HEIGHT OF HELPLESSNESS: Receiving no emails for a

week.

HEIGHT OF FRUSTRATION: The email server being down.

HEIGHT OF CARELESSNESS: Writing an intimate email

and doing a 'Reply All.'

HEIGHT OF ACHIEVEMENT: A person sending email to a

girl wanting to become friends and getting a reply.

HEIGHT OF TIMEPASS: A person sending email to himself

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Employment application blanks always ask who is

to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you

should write, "a good doctor."

- Anonymous

"Everyone has a photographic memory.

Some don't have film."

- Anonymous

Mother-in-law

When you rearrange the letters:

Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarms

When you rearrange the letters:

Alas! No More Z's

A Decimal Point

When you rearrange the letters:

I'm a Dot in Place

Eleven plus two

When you rearrange the letters:

Twelve plus one

 

 

 

 

As told by the newlywed ….

Just after I got married, I was invited out for a night

with the boys." I told my wife that I would be home

by midnight ...promise!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down

way too easy. At around 3A.M. drunk as a skunk, I

headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo

clock in the hall started up, and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed

another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a

quick witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a

possible conflict.

Next morning, the wife asked me what time I got in and

I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all.

Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.

When I asked her why she said,

"Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said 'oh shit,' cuckooed 4

more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times,

giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."

 

 

 

"President Bush has urged people to get back to normal

and today Congress announced that they are accepting

bribes again."

-Jay Leno

 

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911.

The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send

someone out right away. "Where do you live?"

asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Bubba said,

"How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street, and

you pick her up there?"

 

 

Gardner goes to see his supervisor in the front

office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy

house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife

needs me to help with the attic and the garage,

moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Gardner," the boss replies.

"I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks boss," says Gardner, "I knew I could

count on you!"

 

A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed an

eternity. Looking up, looking down, measuring the distance,

figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner

nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking

so long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from

the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man, you'll never hit her from here!"

 

 

 

One night a wife found her husband standing over

their newborn baby's crib. Silently she watched him.

As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she

saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief,

doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, and

skepticism. Touched by this unusual display and

the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening

she slipped her arm around her husband.

"A penny for your thoughts," she whispered. "It's

amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody

can make a crib like that for only $49.95."

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a

churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk

was walking through the cemetery and heard some

strange noise coming from the area where Mozart

was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the

priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close

to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable

music coming from the grave.

 

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the

grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's

Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

 

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth

Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So

the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh...

the Sixth...the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what

was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up

and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the

cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry

about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

 

"If man evolved from monkeys and apes,

why do we still have monkey's and apes?"

- Anonymous

 

 

This guy staggers into a bar and shouts, "A double

whisky please barman, and a drink for everyone here…

and while you're at it, have one yourself."

"Well thank you sir," says the barman and proceeds

to pour everyone their drinks.

Moments later the guy shouts, "Another whisky for me,

and the same again for everyone else."

The bartender looks a little worried now and says,

"Excuse me sir, but don't you think you should pay me

for that last round first?"

The guy slurs, "I can't. I don't have any money."

With this the bartender flies into a rage and literally

throws the guy out of the bar.

About twenty minutes later though the guy staggers back

in and shouts out, "A double whisky for me, and a drink

for all my friends."

"I suppose you'll be offering me a drink too?" the barman

asks, marveling at the guy's nerve.

"Not likely," slurs the guy, "you get nasty when you've

had a drink!"

 

 

 

A man tried to sell his neighbor a new dog. "This is

a talking dog," he said. "And you can have him for five

dollars." The neighbor said, "Who do you think you're

kidding with this talking dog stuff? There ain't no

such animal."

Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please

buy me, Sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never

buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk.

And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I

performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated

ten times."

"Hey!" said the neighbor. "He can talk. Why do you want to

sell him for just five dollars?" "Because," said the seller,

"I'm getting tired of all his lies."

 

 

 

Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland.

Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced,

"One of the engines has failed and the flight will be

an hour longer. But don't worry we have three engines

left".

Thirty minutes later, the captain announced, "One more

engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer.

But don't worry, we have two engines left".

An hour later the capain announced, "One more engine

has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But

don't worry, we have one engine left".

One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and

said, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all

day"

 

 

A blonde woman walks into a store. Curious about

a shiny object, she asks, "What is that?"

The store clerk responds , "It's a thermos."

The blonde then asks, "What does it do?"

The clerk says, "it keeps hot things hot and cold

things cold"

So she buys one and the next day, she brings it

to work with her.

Her boss, who is also a blonde, asks, "What is this?"

She then replies it's a thermos."

He then asks, "What does it do?"

She says, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things

cold."

He then asks, "What do you have in there?"

"Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."

.

 

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave

up reading."

- Henny Youngman

"You have two choices in life: you can stay single and

be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead."

- Anonymous

 

The supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken

breasts. I intended to stock up. At the store,

however, I was disappointed to find only a few

skimpy pre-packaged portions of the poultry, so

I complained to the butcher lady.

"Don't worry," she said, "I'll pack some more trays

and have them ready for you by the time you finish

shopping."

Several aisles later, I heard the lady butcher's

voice boom over the public-address system:

"Will the gentleman who wanted bigger breasts

please meet me at the back of the store."

 

 

 

 

JUST WANTED U TO KNOW ...

THAT UR FRIENDSHIP MEANS A LOT TO ME.............

................................................

................................................

U LAUGH....

I LAUGH....

.......................................................................

.....

.......................................................................

.....

U CRY...

I CRY...

.......................................................................

.....

.......................................................................

.....

U JUMP FROM THE 13th FLOOR...............

........................................

........................................

 

 

 

 

 

I LOOK DOWN AND THEN......................

.........................................

................... .....................

I LAUGH AGAIN....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ

+ Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant

with friends. You order what you want, then when you see

what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

 

+ At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't

you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The

other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

 

+ Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he's finished.

 

+ Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's

degree and the woman gets her master's.

 

+ A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost

to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son,

I'm still paying"

 

+ Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of

Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?

Dad: That happens in every country, son.

 

+ Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real

happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

 

+ Married life is frustrating. The first year of marriage, the

man speaks And the woman listens. In the second year, the woman

speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak

and the neighbours listen.

 

+ After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was

a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear,

but I was in love and didn't notice."

 

+ It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job,

he still ends up with the same boss.

 

+ A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted".

Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the

same thing: "You can have mine."

 

+ A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a

millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the

friend. The woman replied, " A billionaire".

 

 

 

 

 

 

Things Your Mom Would Never Say to You

How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?

Yeah, I used to cut class a lot too.

Let me smell that shirt - don't worry, it's good for another week.

Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day.

That outfit isn't sexy enough. Here, unbutton your blouse.

Why don't you hitchhike? It would totally be cheaper.

The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here.

Don't clean your room so often. It makes the rest of the house look bad.

Can I borrow your new speed metal CDs?

Naw, you don't have to call me, I'll eventually figure it out if you're in trouble.

 

 

 

 

Some sign-boards seen in Indian Cities. cool ones....

#Sign on a railway station at Patna:

Aana free, jaana free, pakde gaye to khana free

#Seen on a famous beauty parlour in Bombay:

Don't whistle at the girl going out from here.

She may be your grandmother!

#Seen on a bulletin board:

Success is relative

More the success, more the relatives

#Sign at a barber's saloon in Juhu, Bombay:

We need your heads to run our business

#A traffic slogan:

Don't let your kids drive if they are not old enough -

or else they never will be

#This is the best one:

Sign in a restaurant:

All drinking water in this establishment has

been personally passed by the manager

#If your father is a poor man, it is your fate

but,if your father-in-law is

a poor man, it's your stupidity

 

 

 

 

 

Blondevision

A blonde went to an appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time: a brown curly wig, big baggy clothes, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before she approached the salesman again and said, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"My grandmother started walking five miles a day

when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we

don't know where she is."

- Anonymous

 

 

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later:

"Da-ad..."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..."

"WHAT??!!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a

drink of water?"

 

 

 

 

OSAMAS SONG

 

 

 

Main nikla , Jahaaz(plane) leke

O raste mein

Newyork mein ,

ik mod aaya

main Trade Tower tod aaya ...

 

Rab jane

kab guzra

Newyork

O Rab jaane

kab Pentagon aaya

main utthe Jahaaz

phod aaya

 

 

 

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a five-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explain to them how it works. "We have five floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh, and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they kept going.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get excited and are about to go in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

Q. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without

cracking it?

A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack!

 

Q. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long

would it take four men to build it?

A. No time at all it is already built.

 

Q. Approximately how many birthdays does the average Japanese woman

have?

A. Just one. All the others are anniversaries.

 

Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and

four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have ?

A. Very large hands.

 

Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?

A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one

hand.

 

Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?

A. He sleeps at night.

 

Q.Why it is impossible to send a telegram to Washington today ?

A : Because he is dead.

 

Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will

become?

A : It becomes wet.

 

Q.What often falls but never gets hurt ?

A : Rain

 

Q.What is that no man ever saw which never was but always will be?

A : TOMORROW

 

Q. What looks like half apple ?

A : The other half.

 

Q. What can you never eat for breakfast ?

A : Dinner.

 

Q. What gets wet with drying ?

A : A towel.

 

Q. What 3 letters change a girl into a woman ?

A : AGE.

 

Q. What happened when wheel was invented ?

A : It caused a revolution.

 

Q. Why is it easy to weigh a fish ?

A : Because it has its own scales.

 

Q. Why does a bike rest on its leg ?

A : Because it is too tyred.

 

sounds good enough to share...!

 

These are some excerpts of siddhu's commentary

during the SA Vs India ODI

Series...........

 

Siddhu's smashing form continous with

MIKE!!!..........

 

Too good!!

 

* There is light at the end of the tunnel for India,

but it's that of an

oncoming train which will run them over.

 

* Experience is like a comb that life gives you when

you are bald.

 

* Kenya in South Africa was like a mountain having

labour pains.

 

* India look like a crippled cobra whose fangs are

clipped.

 

* Wickets are like wives - you never know which way

they will turn!

 

* If ifs and buts were pots and pans, there would

be no tinkers!

 

* That ball went so high it could have got an air

hostess down with it.

 

* 'Statistics are like miniskirts, they reveal more

than what they hide.

 

* Sri Lankan score is running like an Indian taxi

meter.

 

* He is like Indian three-wheeler which will suck a

lot of diesel but

cannotgo beyond 30!

 

* The Indians are going to beat the Kiwis! Let me

tell you, my friend, that

the Kiwi is the only bird in the whole world which

does not have wings!

 

* The gap between bat and pad is so much that I

would have driven a

carthrough it!

 

* As uncomfortable as a bum on a porcupine.

 

* The ball whizzes past like a bumble bee and the

Indians are in the sea.

 

* The Indians are finding the gaps like a pin in a

haystack.

 

* He is a dibbly dobbly bowler.

 

* The pitch is as dead as a dodo.

 

* Deep Dasgupta is as confused as a child in a

topless bar!

 

* We are all Adam's children - it's just the silk

that makes all the

difference!

 

* The way indian wickets are falling reminds of the

cycle stand at Rajendra

Talkies in Patiala..one falls and everything else

falls!

 

 

 

 

 

 

A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five dollar bill to a bum."

"You gave a bum five whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give away. What did you husband say about it?"

"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'"

 

 

 

While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"

"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.

"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.

The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took the misses to Tucson. For our 50th, I'm thinking about going down there again to pick her up."

 

 

 

 

 

Telemarketer Repellant

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog has the gout..."

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say, "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

21. When the salesperson asks, "is this the homeowner?" say "is this the salesperson?" and when they say "yes" hang up.

22. when they start to say their little speal just set the phone down and scream loudly, "I CANT HEAR YOU LA LA LA LA LA."

23. When the bill collectors call and say, "So when can we expect the money?" say, "You and EXPECT it tomorrow or any other day but i never said i was going to pay it."

 

 

 

 

 

 

Elementary, My Dear Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

''Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.''

Watson replies, ''I see millions of stars.''

''What does that tell you?''

Watson ponders for a minute. ''Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?''

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. ''Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.''

 

 

 

 

 

 

Flower Flub-o-rama

I sent flowers to someone who was moving to Florida for a job promotion. I also sent flowers the same day to a funeral for a friend.

I found out later that the flower shop got the cards mixed up. They sent the card to the guy who was moving that said, "Deepest Condolences," and sent the card to the funeral home that said, "I know it's hot where you're going, but you deserve it."

 

 

Things I've Learned from My Children

1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

2. A 3-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

3. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room.

5. When using the ceiling fan as a baseball bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a six-year-old.

11. "Play-Doh" and "microwave" should never be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise in a moving car.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

21. Cats spit up twice their body weight when dizzy.

 

 

DOES SANTA EXIST?????????????????

 

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each.

Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house.

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are not talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks.

This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that ''flying reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them---Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

A mass of nearly 600,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance -- this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reaches the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g's.

A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim considering all the high calorie snacks he must have consumed over the years) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.

 

 

Grass Eater

A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.

"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, please come to my house!"

"But sir, I have a wife and four children..."

"Bring them along!" the rich man said.

They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."

The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"

 

 

 

 

SIMILARITIES BETWEEN JESUS AND ELVIS PRESLEY

Jesus said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39) Elvis said: "Don’t be cruel." (RCA, 1956)

Jesus is the Lord’s shepherd. Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd.

Jesus was part of the Trinity.’ Elvis’ first band was a trio.

Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25) Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965)

Jesus’ entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members. Elvis’ entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.

Jesus was resurrected. Elvis had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.

Jesus said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink." (John 7:37) Elvis said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957)

Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights. Elvis had irregular eating habits. (e.g. 5 banana splits for breakfast)

Jesus is a Capricorn. (December 25) Elvis is a Capricorn. (January 8)

Matthew was one of Jesus’ many biographers. (The Gospel According to Matthew) Neil Matthews was one of Elvis’ many biographers. (Elvis: A Golden Tribute)

"[Jesus] countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow." (Matthew 28:3) Elvis wore snow-white jump-suits with lightning bolts.

Jesus lived in state of grace in a Near Eastern land. Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state.

Mary, an important woman in Jesus’ life, had an Immaculate Conception. Priscilla, an important woman in Elvis’ life, went to Immaculate Conception High School.

Jesus was first and foremost the Son of God. Elvis first recorded with Sun Studios, which today are still considered to be his foremost recordings.

Jesus was the lamb of God. Elvis had mutton chop sideburns.

Jesus’ Father is everywhere. Elvis’ father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.

Jesus was a carpenter. Elvis’ favorite high school class was wood shop.

Jesus wore a crown of thorns. Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler.

Jesus H. Christ has 12 letters. Elvis Presley has 12 letters.

 

No one knows what the "H" in "Jesus H. Christ" stood for. No one was really sure if Elvis’ middle name was "Aaron" or "Aaron".

Jesus is often depicted in pictures with a halo that looks like a gold plate. Elvis’ face is often depicted on a plate with gold trim and sold through TV.

Jesus said: "Man shall not live by bread alone." Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.

 

 

why do you want divorce????

 

 

 

A judge was interviewing a lady regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is ’yes’."

"Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don’t want a divorce," she replied. "I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me."

 

SIGNS SEEN AT THE BACK OF AUTOMOBILES

 

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

 

"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."

 

"Cover me. I’m changing lanes."

 

"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"

 

"Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot."

 

"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep"

 

"I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."

 

"Your kid may be an honor student but you’re still an IDIOT!"

 

"It’s as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."

 

"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."

 

"Wink, I’ll do the rest!"

 

"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."

 

"Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"

 

"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."

 

"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t."

 

"According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist."

 

"Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else."

 

"Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home."

 

"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."

 

"Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

 

"Few women admit their age, few men act it.

 

"Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!"

 

"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

 

"He who laughs last thinks slowest"

 

"I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

 

"I souport publik edekasion"

 

"I’ve been missing my ex-wife, but my aim is getting better.

 

"If you lived here, you’d be home now."

 

"It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better."

 

"Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."

 

"Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math."

 

"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."

 

"Reality? That’s where the pizza delivery guy comes from!"

 

"Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them."

 

"Time is what keeps things from happening all at once

 

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

 

"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."

 

"We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."

 

"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."

 

"We have enough youth, how about a fountain of "smart."

 

"Why is ’abbreviation’ such a long word?"

 

"Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition."

 

 

NURSE

"How come you’re late?" asks the bartender as the waitress walks in the door.

 

"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm Street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he had been thrown from his car. His leg was broken and his skull was fractured. It was so scary! Thank God I took that first-aid course! All my training came back to me in a minute."

 

"What did you do?" asks the bartender.

 

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

 

QUOTES ON AIRPLANES

 

1. From an Airline employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

 

2. Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

 

3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

 

4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"

 

5. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive.

 

 

 

 

A very wise to the ways of students schoolteacher sent this note to all parents on the first day of school. "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens in school, I’ll promise not to believe everything they says happens at home."

 

 

 

 

A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I?"

 

Ready to play the game, she said, "I don’t know! Who are you?"

 

"WOW!" cried the child. Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty my own mother wouldn’t recognize me!"

 

 

 

A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strode through his backyard, baseball cap in place and toting ball and bat. "I’m the greatest baseball player in the world," he said proudly. Then he tossed the ball in the air, swung and missed. Undaunted, he picked up the ball, threw it into the air and said to himself, "I’m the greatest baseball player ever!" He swung at the ball again, and again he missed.

 

He paused a moment to examine the bat and ball carefully. Then once again he threw the ball into the air and said, "I’m the greatest baseball player who ever lived." He swung the bat hard and again missed the ball.

 

"Wow!" he exclaimed. "What a pitcher!"

 

 

 

 

 

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

 

When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

 

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?"

 

To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

 

Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

 

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

 

 

 

 

Recently a survey was conducted by the U.N. worldwide.

The question asked was, "Would you please give your opinion about the food

shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure.

In Africa they did not know what 'food' meant.

In Western Europe, they did not know what 'shortage' meant.

In Eastern Europe they did not know what 'opinion' meant.

In South America they did not know what 'please' meant.

And in the U.S. they did not know what 'the rest of the world' meant.

 

 

 

 

You must have heard of ABCD = American Born Confused Desai ...

But How about an ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ?

 

American Born Confused Desai, Emigrated From

Gujarat, Housed In Jersey, Keeping Lotsa

Motels, Named Omkarnath Patel, Quickly Reached Success

Through, Underhanded Vicious Ways, Xenophobic

Yet Zestful.

 

Some people have one heck of an imagination ..

 

 

 

Can one imagine working for the following company?

It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:

29 have been accused of spouse abuse.

7 have been arrested for fraud

19 have more then three criminal cases pending against them.

117 have been charged and are being investigated for Murder, Rape,

Assault,

Extortion and Robbery.

71 cannot get credit or loans due to bad credit histories.

21 are current defendants on various lawsuits.

84 have been involved in offenses and have paid fines.

Can you guess what mighty Organization this is?

Give up? ...

It is the 545 members of the Lower House of Parliament of India that works

for you and me. The same group that cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of

laws designed to keep the rest of us in line...

Can we do some thing about it? At least, we'll spread the word around

using

this mighty medium called Internet and e-mail, create an awareness (as if

people don't know already!!)

HELP SAVE THE COUNTRY!!

Their motto: WHO SAID NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE; WE HAVE BEEN DOING NOTHING

FOR

DECADES.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I think Santa Claus is a woman.... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating, musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped onto the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

 

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

Men can't pack a bag.

Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.

Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen with all those elves.

Men don't answer their mail.

Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."

Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.

Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.

Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

 

I can buy the fact that other mythical characters are men.... Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone-screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. However, as long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.

 

 

 

 

 

SOME PJ’S BEFORE WE GET BACK TO THE NORMAL JOKES

Q: What did Gabbar Singh say to his mother when she told him they had been robbed?

A:"Kitne aadmi the?"

 

Q: Which is the coldest letter in the alphabet?

A: 'b', coz its between ac!

 

Q: Why did the game show "Chappad Phad Ke" start on the 26th of Jan?

A: Because on that day in Gujurat ka chappad phat gaya!!!

 

Q: What is the height of Heights?

A: A Man shitting on the top of Mt Everest, to raise it's height.

 

Q: What will be the name of William Shakespeare if he was born in Lucknow or Hyderabad?

A: Wali Miyan Sheikh Peer

 

A trignometrical joke: What did baby 'sin' say to mamma 'tan'?

I am sleepy mom... where is my 'cot'?

 

First man: Call me a doctor, call me a doctor!

Second man: What's the matter? Are you sick?

First man: No I've just graduated from medical school!

 

Q: Why did the man give the cricketer a lighter?

A: Cos he was always losing his matches!

 

Q: Why did the student eat his homework?

A: Cuz the teacher told her that it was a piece of cake!

 

Q: What do you call a scooba-diving sardarji?

A: Jalandar Singh

 

Q: What do you call a better adapted scooba-diving sardarji?

A: Jalandar Singh Gill

 

Q: What do you call a sikh murderer?

A: Turbinator

 

Q: What did the moron do when his wife gave birth to twins?

A: He went looking for the other father!

 

A surd's watch was out of order. He opened the back cover and found a dead insect inside.

He said, "Are driver hi mar gaya to ghadi kaise chalegi!"

 

Judge : kya ap apne safai me kuch kehna hai?

Criminal : ji haan - main Rexona se natha hoon, Ariel se kapda saaf karta hoon.

 

Maine tujhe pyar kiya angle badal badal kar, magar tere baap ne mujhko mara tere sandal badal badal ke!

 

Q: Why did George Bush had the gujju beaten?

A: The gujju told George Bush "You are an IMPOTENT man"

 

Q: What will be the name of Martina Navratiloa if she was born in maharashtra?

A: Martina Tila Navra Hava.

 

Q: What will be the name of Shakespeare if he was born in South India?

A: Shaish Kapi Ayyar.

 

Q: Whats the heights of laziness?

A: A man shitting on the beach and waiting for the waves to come and wash his ass.

 

Q: Why are Indians not good at penalty corners in hockey?

A: Because whenever thet get a corner, they open a shop, juice corner, garment corner, tea center…

 

Q:What do u call a sikh in a disco?

A:DAN-singh

 

Raju: Shyam! Do you know what a Cyclone is?

Shyam: Yes, of course. It is the loan taken for buying cycle.

 

A sikh man was traveling in a plane and a air hostess came up to him said, "Are you relaxing?" and he replied, "No I am Bahadur Singh"

 

What does a Gujarati really mean when he says, "Maro dkro states ma gayo!"

My son failed in statistics.

 

In which state is the 'GANGA' in ?

- Liquid state.

 

When a pin pricks your hand why does blood come out ?

To see who pricked

Q: What did one ant say to another who had climbed an elephant?

A: Daba saale ko.

 

Q: What disadvantage did RAVANA have owing to 10 heads?

A: He couldn't wear a round neck T-shirt.

 

Q: What advantage did RAVANA have owing to 10 heads?

A: He didn't needed chorus to sing.

 

Q: How many nuns does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Nun

 

Q: An ant and two elephants meet with an accident and as the elephants are bleeding seriously the ant is asked to donate blood to them, but the ant refuses to do so. Why?

A: The ant has AIDS!

 

Q: One sardarji died while he was drinking his milk. Why?

A: Because buffallo sat on him!

 

Q: What is the difference between lady Diana and Elton John?

A: One's composing... the other's decomposing!

Q: Once a sardarji while sleeping takes 2 glasses of water one filled and the other empty why?

A: Because he may fill thirsty and he may not also!

 

Q: Why did Rahul Dravid defend the first third and the fifth ball of every over?

A: Because the odd ball is keeping low!

 

Q: What did the very constipated mathematician do of his problem?

A: He worked it out with a log.

 

Q: Why do we see lightning first and hear the thunder afterwards?

A: Because our eyes are in front and our ears are at back.

 

Q: What is the height of co-incidence?

A: My father and mother marrying on the same day, same place and same time.

 

Q: If amitabh is called Amitabhji, Jaya is called Jayaji , what is Abhishekh called?

A: Refuji

 

Q: Why do buses stand in bus-stand?

Ans: Cos they can't sit.

 

Once a five years old girl was asked whats your mother tongue?

The girl replied: Pink

NOW BACK TO THE NORMAL JOKES

Once a dacoit singlehandedly raided a train and threatened to shoot a man if he did not part with his money.

The man panicked and said, "Hey, you can`t rob me. I am a politician."

The dacoit, a little perplexed, looked at him for a while and then screamed, "You rogue, then return all my MONEY."

 

Once Laloo wanted to know the time difference between Bihar and Las Vegas.

So he called up the Tourist department and asked them

"Ji..could you tell me the time difference between Patna and Las Begasua...."

The man at the other end said, "Sure, one second sir.." And....

Laloo immediately replied `thank you` and put the phone down.

 

When Laloo completed 25 years of his rule over Bihar, he wanted a special postage stamp issued, with his picture on it.

He also instructed Rabri that it should be of International quality. The stamps were duly released and Laloo was pleased beyond words.

But within a couple of days of the release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that it was not sticking properly. He became furious.

He called Rabri and ordered her to investigate the case. She checked the matter out at several post offices and then reported on the problem to Laloo Prasad.

She said: "The stamp is really of international quality. The problem is, our people are spitting on the wrong side!"

 

A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in Chennai.

He`s stuck in traffic and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual we`re not even moving."

He notices a police officer walking down the road in between the cars, says he says "excuse me officer, what`s the problem?"

The officer says, "Jayalalitha just found out the verdict from the court, and she`s very depressed. She`s lying down in the middle of the highway and she`s threatening to douse herself in petrol and set herself on fire. She just doesn`t have Rs. 85 crores for the tax dues. I`m walking around taking up a collection for her."

The man says, "Oh really, how much have you got so far?"

"So far....ten litres," says the cop.

 

This is one of the many laughable statements that Mr. Atal Behari Vajpayee has said during his lifetime.

Smt. Indira Gandhi ke do bete the.

Ek ko desh chalane ka showk tha.

Usne ek baar plane chalaya aur plane ko gira diya.

Doosre ko plane chalane ka showk tha.

Usne ek baar desh chalaya aur desh ko gira diya.

 

A minister told his confregation, "Next week i plan to preach about the sin of lying.

To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Chapter 17 from Mark."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his semon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.

 

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students,

pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be

out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory

to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule

will be fined $40 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second

time will be fined $90. Being caught a third time will incur

a hefty fine of $200. Are there any questions?"

At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "How much for

a season pass?"

 

An Anatomy professor had set up his clinic in the front room of his residence to see patients in the evenings and earn a little more money form his practice. One day his eight year old son brought home his new friend to play. When the latter saw a complete skeleton of the human body hanging in the corner of the anatomist's room he asked his pal as to what it is. The doctor's son coolly said Hi, don't bother, That is my dad,s first patient!

 

Beppo Singh: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.

Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?

Beppo Singh: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know

the alphabet yet!!

 

One day a sardarji was sitting in his office on the thirteenth floor of a

building when a man came running in to his office and shouted "Santa Singh, your daughter Preeto just died in an accident" Sardarji was in panic. Not knowing what to do he jumped from his office window while coming down when he was near the tenth floor he remembered he didn't have a daughter named Preeto. When he was near the fifth floor he remembered he was not married. When he was about to hit the ground he remembered he was not Santa Singh.

 

Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.

Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.

Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.

To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.

In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.

Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.

Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.

In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.

Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man.

A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.

A monsoon is a French gentleman.

Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.

 

You are a desi when:

You keep switching your internet service provider because first month is free.

You have a bucket in your bath tub.

You have taken pictures of your car and mailed to your folks back home.

You've bookmarked immigration web pages in your browser.

You have collected enough frequent flier miles for a international trip.

You ask for small drink at fast food restaurant because the refill is free.

You talk to Americans as if you represent your whole country.

You ask before eating any meat "Is this beef?"

 

Heaven is when you have :

An American Salary

A British Home

Chinese Food

An Indian Wife

Hell is when you have:

An American Wife

British Food

A Chinese Home

An Indian Salary

 

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for a new version of Windows 2000:

1.Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

2.Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

3.Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

4.Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

5.Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.

6.Close your eyes and press escape three times.

7.Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

8.This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

9.Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

 

Seven things to do when your ISP goes down...

1. Dial 911 Immediately.

2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past 2 years.

3. You mean there's something else to do?

4. Threaten your ISP with an impeachment vote.

5. Work.

6. Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family.

7. Get that kidney transplant you've been putting off

The Pakistani Air Force recently purchased a fleet of Chinese fighter jets. They invited over a Chinese official and at a gathering, the Chinese guy says to the Pakis, "These planes are so simple, even you fools can use them".

The chief of the air force asks how it's all done. The Chinese guy says, "OK. So easy! Press this button to go right. This button to go left, and this button to go up!"

The Paki Air Force Chief then asks, "So, how do you come down?"

The Chinese guy replies, "Oh, leave that to the Indian Air Force!"

 

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the Patna zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence.

He was out the next morning, just sauntering around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up.

Again he got out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"

The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"

 

A Pakistani was filling out a job application for a senior level position. He came to a question in the form which said, "Have you ever been arrested?"

And he answered, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous one, was: "Why?"

The Pakistani answered it anyway: "Never got caught!"

 

Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed.

They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?"

Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFC's and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that.

God then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you believe in?"

Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good.

Come and sit at my right." God then address Bill Gates.

"Bill Gates, what do you believe?"

"I believe you're in my chair," says Bill Gates.

 

The bowler had a dreadful match, could'nt find line or length and his bad spell cost his side the game.

Every night of the following week he practised hard at the nets for the following match on Saturday.

During the match he said to his captain, 'Notice any difference?'

The captain looked at him thoughtfully and replied, 'I know. You've trimmed your moustache.'

 

The batsman mistimed the ball and it just touched his off stump and one bail gently fell to the ground.

With great aplomb, the batsman replaced the ball and remarked cheerfully, 'Rather a strong wind today.'

'Indeed there is, so be careful it doesn't blow your cap off on your way back to the pavillion, replied the umpire

 

It`s the end of the day at a cricket tournament in Sharjah and India as usual has lost yet another game to Pakistan.

At that very moment Mohammad Azharuddin gets a call from his wife. She says, "Darling, have you bought all the gifts that I had asked you to get for me?" He replies, "Well, I`d really like to, but the crowd outside is waiting to beat me up, so I can`t leave my hotel room."

His wife replies, "That`s no problem, honey. Just dress yourself as a lady. You should have no problem leaving the hotel." Azhar does just that and goes shopping around. No one recognizes him anywhere until he reaches the last shop. That`s when he hears a cheery, "Hi Azhar, it`s nice to see you here!"

Totally shocked, he turns around to see a lady in a burkha. "How the heck did you know that it was me?"

The lady replies, "Don`t worry yaar. It`s me, Sachin."

 

When Gavaskar finds out that there has been released, a movie, in Australia called "Gavaskar", he is very happy. He plans to watch it and gets a ticket for Australia at once. With great difficulty he manages to get a ticket and very happily he goes to see the movie. But when he comes out of the cinema he is very angry!

He goes straight to the director of the movie and says, "What do you mean by this? You named your movie `Gavaskar`, but didn’t show anything about me in it!".

The director of the movie laughs and says, "So now you understand the problem? You people too made a movie called `Border`, but did you show anything about Allan Border in it?"

 

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honour thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

A famed English explorer was invited to a university to tell of his adventures in the African jungle.

"Can you imagine," he demanded, "people so primitive that they love to eat the embryo of certain birds, and slices from the belly of certain animals?

And grind up grass seed, make it into a paste, burn it over a fire, then smear it with a greasy mess they extract from the mammary fluid of certain other animals?"

When the students looked startled by such barbarism, the lecturer added, "What I've been describing, of course, is a breakfast of bacon, eggs and buttered toast."

 

A professor asked a student to remain for a few moments after class.

Holding out the young man's assignment, the professor said, "Did you write this poem all by yourself?"

The student said, "Every word of it."

The professor said, "Well, then, I'm glad to meet you, Mr. Poe.

I thought you were long dead."

 

Jill," a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, "do you mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?"

"Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay,like it's like I really don't like think like that's really important, y'know, like because I'm y'know, like I don't get anything out of it."

"It's English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher.

 

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?

Dad: That happens in every country, son.

 

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

 

Bill and Hillary Clinton are at a restaurant.

The waiter reads out tonight's specials that include chicken almondine and fresh fish.

"The fish sounds great, I'll have that," says Hillary.

The waiter nods, "And for the vegetable, madam?"

"Oh," Hillary replied, "he'll have the fish, too."

 

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand new Ferrari 550.

It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.

He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light.

A 77-year-old man on a moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"

The young man replies, "A Ferrari 550. It cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money, "says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.

Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my moped!"

Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do.

He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer. He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly... Whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself.

He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped.

Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosh! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again.

Astounded by the speed of this old guy he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again.

The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do. Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear.

The young man jumps out, and unbelievably; the old man is still alive! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers with his dying breath, "Unhook...my... suspenders... from your side-view mirror."

 

Are you having a bad day? It could be a lot worse.

Some factoids, to put things in perspective:

 

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez

oil spill in Alaska was $80, 000. At a special ceremony, two of the

most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild

amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full

view, a killer whale ate them both.

 

2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a

carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After

weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her with an axe leaving

her mentally retarded.

 

3. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking

frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards

the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she

whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his

arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his

Walkman.

 

4. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending

pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn Germany. Suddenly the pigs,all two

thousand

of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded,trampling the two

hapless protesters to death.

And finally. . . . . . .

5. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't put enough postage on a letter

bomb, so it came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb,

he opened it and was blown to bits.

Your day's not so bad, is it?

 

The population of India is 100 crores. But did you know the facts....

= 19 crores are retired.That leaves 81 crores to do the work.

= There are 25 crores in school, which leaves 56 crores to do the work.

= Of this there are 22 crores employed by the Central Government,

leaving 34 crores to do the work.

(as you know, government employees do not believe in working)

= 4 crores are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 30 crores to do the work.

 

= Take out the total the 20 crores people who work for State Governments

(They also do not work..) and that leaves 10 crores to do the work.

 

= Total unemployed are 8 crores that leaves 2 crores to do the work.

 

= At any given time there are 1.2 crore people in hospitals, leaving

80,00,000 to do the work.

 

= Now, there are 79,99,998 people in pris